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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24661339">The man in the swamp</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/HollowandMerciless/pseuds/Hollow%20and%20Merciless'>Hollow and Merciless (HollowandMerciless)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Voltron: Legendary Defender</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>After the mess that was season 8, All the paladins are friends, Allura is only mentioned, Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst and Romance, Angst and Tragedy, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Lance, Bittersweet, Blade of Marmora Keith (Voltron), Bonding, Boy Love, Boys Kissing, Break Up, Comfort, Crying, Depression, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Keith/Lance (Voltron), Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Falling In Love, Feelings Realisation, Female Pronouns for Pidge | Katie Holt, First Kiss, First Sex, First Time, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Gay Keith, Grief/Mourning, Grinding, Happy Ending, Healing, Heavy Angst, Hunk &amp; Keith &amp; Pidge | Katie Holt friendship, Hunk &amp; Keith (Voltron) Friendship, Hunk &amp; Lance &amp; Pidge | Katie Holt Friendship, Hunk &amp; Pidge | Katie Holt Friendship, Hunk (Voltron) is a Good Friend, Hunk (Voltron) is so Pure, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, JuLance, Keith &amp; Lance (Voltron) Friendship, Keith (Voltron) is Bad at Feelings, Keith (Voltron) is a Good Friend, Keith and Lance bonding, Keith is determined, Keith is there for everyone, Keith/Lance (Voltron) Angst, Keith/Lance (Voltron) Fluff, Kissing, Krolia is the best Mom, Lance (Voltron) is a Mess, Lance Needs a Hug, Lance is a broken man, Lance lives on a farm, Liking is not loving, Losing partner, Loss, Lost Love, Lots of Crying, Love, M/M, Making Out, Mild Smut, Minor Hunk/Shay (Voltron), NSFW in later chapters, Paladins, Panic Attacks, Past Adam/Shiro (Voltron), Personal Growth, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Refusing to move on, Rejection, Shadam, Shiro (Voltron) Has PTSD - Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Shiro (Voltron) is a Mess, Shiro can't forget Adam, Shiro feels guilty, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Burn Keith/Lance (Voltron), Smut, Soft Keith/Lance (Voltron), Suicidal Thoughts, Tears, You Can't Always Get What You Want, allurance, bonding moment, dreams do come true, jerking off, keith is an angel, keith is bad at feelings, keith is confused, klance, lots of fluff, lots of hugs, overprotective keith, porn with emotions, protective keith, shiro needs a hug, shurtis, smut in later chapters, so much crying, soft smut, suppressed emotions</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 04:35:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>51,931</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24661339</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/HollowandMerciless/pseuds/Hollow%20and%20Merciless</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>I wrote this story right after season 8, because I thought it was a terribly unsatisfying ending after all the build-up we got in earlier seasons, and I know I’m not the only one. Our beloved characters were done dirty.<br/>So I’ve decided to change some things and rewrite the ending.<br/>I never had time for a thorough reread and corrections, but then, more than a year later, the lockdown provided me with more free time than I bargained for, and now I’m finally ready to publish.</p><p>The story basically takes off after the S8 ending, and continues a couple of years afterwards (but before the “canon” wedding of Shiro and Curtis). </p><p>Oh, and by the way, I never liked Curtis, so be warned. I can’t stand how one of the main characters got married to someone we barely know, without any build-up. I might have come to like him if we’d gotten a chance to get to know him – but now it feels like he stole our main character from us. </p><p>The story consists of 30 chapters and an epilogue. Some chapters are long, some are very short. POV's are Shiro and Keith.<br/>I present to you my alternative ending for Voltron, Legendary Defender.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Adam/Shiro (Voltron), Allura/Lance (Voltron), Curtis/Shiro (Voltron), Keith &amp; Lance (Voltron), Keith/Lance (Voltron)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>36</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>127</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Shiro</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Merciless, this one is for you &lt;3</p><p>~Hollow~</p>
    </blockquote><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Shiro is a mess. Lance lives on a farm. No one has seen him in years.<br/>Keith has been busy for the Blades of Marmora charity organisation and hasn't visited earth in years.</p>
<p>But then Keith returns to earth, and that's when things start to change in everyone's lives.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“If you insist on going on that mission, don’t expect me to be here when you return.”</em>
</p>
<p>He’d packed his things that very night, got himself another room in a different Garrison building, and didn’t even show up when the shuttle left for Kerberos.</p>
<p>That was the end of their four year relationship.</p>
<p>And initially, he hadn’t even felt that bad about it. He’d always wanted to fly those missions more than anything, and as his illness was almost ruining that for him, he didn’t need a partner to ruin it either. He learned to move on without Adam.</p>
<p>Even when the Galra took him prisoner.</p>
<p>He’d learned to dissociate from his feelings during that year, and shut out every grain of emotion. He didn’t feel anything when fighting innocent strangers in the arena, not even when he killed them. His body remembered though, and after he returned to Earth, and Keith saved him, the nightmares began. His room in the Castle of Lions was a bit remote from those of the others, so no one heard him scream at night.</p>
<p>The paladins, young as they were, especially Keith, helped him cope. He felt useful again, and fighting the Galra was the best cure against his trauma.</p>
<p>And then he died.</p>
<p>Shiro lay in a familiar bed, in a familiar room, hands behind his head, pondering about the past. After returning to Earth they’d given him his old apartment back, for darker reasons than he liked to be reminded of: half the Garrison personnel had been killed during the initial attacks, and there were plenty of rooms available since. Painful too, because this was the very place he used to live. With Adam.</p>
<p>He still wasn’t sure how to feel upon learning Adam had died during the initial attack, three years ago. He’d cried, of course. He brought flowers to his grave and spent an entire afternoon on his knees feeling guilty, knowing there was absolutely nothing of his former boyfriend beneath that stone, nor in the surrounding graves, since the fighters had been shot down by Galra fire and no remains of any of the pilots had been found.</p>
<p>They told him he went down last, after the rest of his team.</p>
<p><em>Of course,</em> he thought. <em>He was the best of all of them.</em></p>
<p>That was when he teared up again. He buried his face in his pillow, overcome by the memories. He and Adam had always been together, always trained together. Shiro the prodigy child had helped Adam develop all his potentials.</p>
<p>He wasn’t yet ready to think about all the other things he missed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His phone rang. He looked at the time before deciding to pick up. There was only one person daring to call him this early, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to go to the gym with him.</p>
<p>“Hey.”</p>
<p>“Hey, did I wake you up?”</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>“Had breakfast yet?”</p>
<p>“No. I’m still…” <em>Don’t mention your bed, Shiro. He’ll bite immediately.</em></p>
<p>“Want me to get you something?”</p>
<p>“No need, Curtis. I’ve got a fridge full of food. I can make something myself.” Keeping this guy at a distance turned out to be more difficult than was comfortable to him. He’d been one of the operators when the Galra attacked and had been an eye witness to Adam’s demise. For some reason, that made him think he now had the right to get close to Shiro.</p>
<p>“So, see you in half an hour?”</p>
<p>“I’m not going.”</p>
<p>Curtis was unable to hide his disappointment. “Oh.”</p>
<p>He would wait for Curtis to be at work before going to the gym, as always. He knew the guy was after him and although he found him attractive, he was not in the least interested in dating. That had nothing to do with Adam or Curtis, but everything with himself and his condition. The nightmares hadn’t disappeared. At all. What he needed was solitude and time to sort things out. Therapy, probably. More time with Keith, the closest remaining person in his life. “I promised to go with Keith.”</p>
<p>“Oh.” A long silence. “Okay then. See you.”</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They had given him a new arm, and the world was being rebuilt, but there was another mission in prospect. And as the captain of the IGF-Atlas, the only person capable to unlock all its powers, he was going on that mission too.</p>
<p>He never understood how Curtis ended up working on the IGF-Atlas as well, but he couldn’t deny that the man was a valuable crew member. Who, again, showed a lack of understanding of boundaries upon losing Allura. Shiro needed to share that loss with the paladins, and he and Lance became very close for a while – until Lance decided to disappear from the face of the earth.</p>
<p>And then Keith went to work for the Blades Charity.</p>
<p>Hunk left the Garrison to start a restaurant – not too far away, but still. The only paladin he now saw on a regular basis was Pidge, and naturally they spent a lot of time together. If Curtis didn’t interfere. He really tried. Did his best not to appear meddlesome. He was kind, and since they shared battle experience in outer space, he wasn’t entirely wrong to want to mingle in, but still.</p>
<p>From time to time, craving interactions with another male adult, Shiro gave in, going out with him for a drink, together with Sam Holt and Matt. Sometimes James and Kinkade joined, but the latter never spoke a word and the first was a bit of a braggart. After a while, Sam stopped going. Kinkade dropped out. James gave up when flirting with Curtis had no effect. Shiro made sure only to go when Matt went too, but of course one day Matt called off late and he was doomed to spend a night at the bar with just Curtis.</p>
<p>That’s when he found out Curtis was actually quite a nice guy. Someone he could talk with. He was empathetic and understanding. Shiro realised he’d never spent time with Curtis alone, and it didn’t take long for them to go out together again. To a bar, to the movies. Going to the gym together became a habit. Curtis remained polite, but Shiro sensed he was only waiting for Shiro to make the first move.</p>
<p>Which, pretty drunk, he did, one day. They had been laughing over something silly so hard, he couldn’t breathe, and Curtis held him, patting his back until he stopped coughing. Shiro, while choking and swallowing and laughing, realised he hadn’t been touched in ages, and as he looked up, Curtis was right there.</p>
<p>It scared him how much he’d missed that.</p>
<p>From then on, Curtis became a regular part of his life. Shiro didn’t object. He liked spending time with him. But he made sure never to stay the night, and never asked Curtis to do the same at his place either. He knew exactly why he kept his distance. He liked being with him – but he didn’t <em>love</em> him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Life on earth moved synchronous to his own. What was lost was mourned but not forgotten, and a new life was built upon the ruins. So was his. Adam became a memory, Allura became a memory, Voltron became a memory. The IGF-Atlas was still very active, and he spent half his time in space, the other half as an instructor. There was no way to escape Curtis and he actually didn’t feel the need anymore. If anyone asked, he’d say they’d become close friends, and in a way, Curtis had made his way into the gap Keith had left behind. All the things he used to do with Keith, he did with Curtis now.</p>
<p>Until Keith returned to Earth.</p>
<p>Seeing his oldest friend again, the one person who was as close to him as the family he didn’t have, put his relationship with Curtis to perspective. In hindsight, time spent with Curtis had been superficial, one sided and dull. He cursed his work for not being able to spend more time with Keith, but when they did... everything was suddenly as it should be again. As if everything in between had never happened.</p>
<p>He embraced Keith a bit desperate as they parted after that day, and Keith laughed a bit and said he wasn’t gonna leave Earth without saying goodbye. He watched him go, his speeder a faint light in the dark night. In retrospect, he might have been lamenting over the past too long with Keith, he thought, as he returned into his dark apartment. He later realised he hadn’t even considered mentioning Curtis. <em>Does that mean I still live in the past? Or is he no real part of my present? </em>He tried to imagine introducing Curtis to the other paladins as his new partner, and cringed a bit. Of course they knew him from his work in the IGF-Atlas, but for all they knew he was just another crew member.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Keith</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>This is a long one, guys.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>How long since he’d visited Earth? He felt his heart jump as soon as he recognised the blue-and-green planet, sprinkled with white clouds. On its right, the white pearl that was the moon. <em>Home. </em>Krolia’s hand rested on his shoulder. “Happy?”</p>
<p>He nodded. <em>And nervous.</em> Of course, he’d kept in touch with them over the years, but not as often as he felt he should have. They all had their own lives now, and Voltron seemed a distant memory, a dream almost. he’d spent most of his time doing gratifying work for the Marmora charity, meeting lots of new people – species – and, along the way, learning to make friends, to act nice and be less socially awkward. His mom was proud of him, he knew that much, but a while ago she made him even more proud when she told him Kolivan had asked her to be his partner for life. Not marriage – Galra didn’t do such things – but a <em>bond</em>, which was pretty much the same. Over the years, he’d come to respect the solemn Galra as a surrogate father, and he couldn’t be happier with his mother’s choice. His new dad was de facto leader of the Galra, which made his mom the first lady. Yes, he was proud. And quite relieved he’d declined the offer to lead the Galra himself. Maybe, someday, but Kolivan was by far the better choice right now.</p>
<p>His new dad was in the spaceship as well, at the helm, and he seemed content too, as far as Keith could tell. This was only his third visit to Keith’s home planet. He and Krolia had spent more than enough time on Earth to explore each continent, and he had grown somewhat attached to the tiny planet in the outskirts of the Milky Way Galaxy. All galaxies had names, and Keith chuckled as he suddenly remembered Lance explaining the name of their galaxy to Coran – complicating things needlessly when introducing Kaltenecker into his explanation.</p>
<p>Keith had no idea how much of the world had been restored during those years. He remembered leaving a planet in ruins when he left with the paladins for the last time, and finding the populated areas partially rebuilt when they returned months later.</p>
<p>And one empty lion.</p>
<p>He thought of her now and then, of the he sacrifice she made, conveniently forgetting about all the times he’d been willing to give his own life for the greater good. All of them did. Still, to him, losing her didn’t feel half as distressing as all those times losing Shiro – but regarding the latter, he could vividly imagine how Lance must have felt.</p>
<p>He looked out the window. Earth now almost filled the entire view.</p>
<p>“Fifty ticks to touchdown,” Kolivan said, his voice stern as always. “Everyone, buckle up.”</p>
<p>Keith and Krolia sat down, and as the spaceship entered the atmosphere, the portholes lit brightly from the increasing heat on the outside.</p>
<p>Space travel had improved so much over the years. He remembered his lessons in Space History at the Garrison, learning about the early years of space travel, when every landing was a risk, and parachutes being only able to slightly soften the hard landing of the tiny capsules. Kolivan parked their spaceship on the landing dock of the Garrison, and before they knew it the doors were open, and the first fresh breeze of earthly wind gushed into the ship.</p>
<p>There were a few brief formalities, but nothing to really hold them up, the benefits of being somewhat of a celebrity. Ground staff stood ready to unload their vessel, and the three of them went inside the main building, where Sam Holt was waiting to welcome them. He seemed only a bit older, but much happier, and he yelled his daughter’s name over his shoulder, upon which she came running, straight into Keith’s arms.</p>
<p>“So happy to see you, Keith! How long has it been? You’ve grown even taller, haven’t you? Hi, Krolia, Kolivan. Keith, you should see my droid Chip, he’s almost human, and my mom, where’s my mom, MOM!”</p>
<p>Keith smiled helplessly at Sam, unable to get a word in between, and Colleen appeared, greeting Krolia first, and then Kolivan and Keith. From a desk in an adjacent office Matt appeared (which Keith found a bit weird, since Matt wasn’t exactly the person to enjoy working behind a desk, he’d always been the most adventurous of the family, but hey, he’d been away for years, so who could tell what had changed?) and then others showed up; Veronica and James, Kinkade and Leifsdottir, even Iverson came to greet him – although interactions with that man never seemed to be able to pass a certain level of unease.</p>
<p>“You’re looking for Shiro, aren’t you?” Pidge said, studying his face.</p>
<p>“Is it that obvious?” Keith said quietly, a bit embarrassed. Of course he was happy to see the others, but he’d always considered Shiro, after his mother, to be his closest family member, and his mentor before Kolivan. His brother.</p>
<p>“He’ll be here,” she promised. “And I’m sure he’ll be happy to see you too.”</p>
<p>“I can’t stay at the Garrison,” Keith said. “We’re going home.” Home, that was not just this planet, but the house in the desert where he’d been living with his dad, where he was born, and where Krolia had lived too, for a couple of years. For some reason he wanted Kolivan to visit the place as well, and he couldn’t think of a better place to catch up with Shiro either. “Tell him to meet me there.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Shiro arrived after work, his speeder leaving a trail of dust in the late afternoon light. He hugged Keith so tight that he almost felt his bones crack, and Keith realised he’d probably missed this guy more than anyone. It was way past midnight before he set off for his apartment at the Garrison, and he didn’t leave before promising to meet again, because one night was not enough to hear all their stories and tell them his.</p>
<p>“Take care, Shiro,” Keith said, standing on the porch.</p>
<p>Shiro had almost reached his hover bike, but turned around to embrace Keith again. “I’m so glad you’re back, Keith. Don’t ever stay away this long again. Visit Earth once every so many months in the future. It’s quite easy now we’re able to create wormholes ourselves, thanks to Sam’s inventions.”</p>
<p>“I will,” Keith promised. Somehow the urgency in Shiro’s voice reminded him of all those times they’d almost lost each other, and he trembled as he let him go. “I will, Shiro. And I won’t go back before at least spending an entire day with you.”</p>
<p>“That’s a promise,” Shiro smiled before setting off in the dark.</p>
<p>Keith stood on the porch long after the sound had faded, the dust trail had settled. He stood until the cold crept into his bones, gazing at the stars, the galaxy above him.</p>
<p>A hand rested on his shoulder. “It’s still hard to imagine you’ve travelled even beyond those stars, isn’t it?” Krolia said. “Are you cold?”</p>
<p>“No... a bit.”</p>
<p>“You should come in.”</p>
<p>“Ask Kolivan to come outside. I want to...” He was unable to put this imagination to words. <em>... to sit on the bench with you both, gazing at the stars, you on one side and Kolivan on the other, so I can feel what it’s like to be a son with two parents. </em></p>
<p>Maybe Krolia understood instinctively. She gestured him to sit down and went inside, and after a few muffled words, Kolivan came outside too. The screen door slammed shut behind him.</p>
<p>“Your galaxy looks interesting from this perspective,” he said before sitting down next to Keith. Krolia sat down on the other side of the bench.</p>
<p>“We’ve seen so many of them,” Keith said softly, a bit reluctantly too, because Galra weren’t exactly sentimental beings. “...but none of them as beautiful as this one.” He swallowed, unable to speak any further. His mother briefly brushed his arm.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The next day, he left Kolivan and his mom some much-needed privacy after spending too long in a cramped shuttle with the three of them – four if you counted Kosmo too. His speeder still worked fine, although it took him some time to dust off the layer of fine sand that had penetrated the moving parts during his absence. He didn’t mind, chores like this kept him grounded and granted him time to let his thoughts wander. It was good to be alone for a change. He set off halfway the morning and roamed around in the desert, not going anywhere in particular, simply enjoying the solitude and being back on Earth. He decided to visit the cave where they’d found the blue lion, the place where it all started. It still struck him as weird how <em>he</em> had been able to feel the lion’s presence, but <em>Lance</em> being chosen to pilot it. He didn’t hold a grudge about that any longer, but could vividly remember his envy when it happened. At that time, he felt the lion was supposed to be his. That was before knowing there was another one, better suited for him. Before learning the lions were parts of something much bigger, much more important. Before, eventually, being chosen to lead Voltron himself. An honour he never asked nor wished for. His fingers touched the markings on the rocky walls. <em>Who made these?</em> There was so much they still didn’t know, and now the lions were gone, there was no chance to find the answers anymore.</p>
<p>The day seemed too bright for his eyes when he left the cave. He was thirsty; being in such a hurry to leave, he’d forgotten to bring some water, and as he thought of water, his stomach growled, reminding him he hadn’t had anything since breakfast either. Thinking of food made him think of Hunk immediately. He had no signal here, so he manoeuvred his hover bike through the desert until he did have some, and phoned his old friend.</p>
<p>“Hey, it’s Keith,” he said, as always feeling invasive when calling someone unannounced.</p>
<p>“KEITH!” Hunk yelled, immediately wiping away those feelings with his enthusiasm. “How are you calling me? Are you on Earth? You’re on Earth, right? Don’t tell me you’re back!”</p>
<p>“I am,” Keith smiled. “And I was wondering if I could come over today.”</p>
<p>“Of course! Wait – it’s just past noon. Are you close by? I’m preparing lunch as we speak.”</p>
<p>“That’s what I was hoping for.” He chuckled. “Half an hour?”</p>
<p>“I’ll put an extra plate on the table. I’m so glad you’re coming. Hurry.”</p>
<p>He didn’t know how much he’d been craving for a hug from that man until he felt those arms around him, big hands patting his back. “It’s good to be back,” he uttered, out of breath.</p>
<p>“You should have called earlier,” Hunk said. “I’d have prepared something special.”</p>
<p>“I only came back yesterday,” Keith said. He couldn’t help smiling the whole time. “And besides, everything you make is special.”</p>
<p>“Aww, thanks Keith.”</p>
<p>Behind him a familiar face appeared. “Romelle? Are you still here?”</p>
<p>“Hi Keith, good to see you again,” she said. “I’m learning from Hunk.” She looked at the former yellow lion paladin with gratefulness in her eyes. “He’s teaching me to cook. I intend to return to Altea eventually, but I can’t go back to food goo after all that he’s been serving us.”</p>
<p>“So… you guys are starting an intergalactic chain of five star restaurants?” Keith asked.</p>
<p>“Sort of,” Hunk admitted. “Come with me, Keith, you have to say hi to Shay as well.”</p>
<p>Shay, timid as ever, but confident in the kitchen, smiled as she saw Keith. “It’s been too long,” she gently said as she gave him a hug.</p>
<p>“I know,” Keith said.</p>
<p>They had lunch together, and Keith felt like Hunk had made something special after all, although Hunk shrugged off the compliments.</p>
<p>“Did you meet the others yet?” Hunk asked.</p>
<p>“Pidge, briefly, and of course Shiro,” Keith said. The two names he didn’t say kept lingering in the air, and suddenly the entire table was silent. Keith played with his food, shoving it across his plate with his fork. Hunk’s hand rested heavy on his back. “I...” he frowned.</p>
<p>“I sometimes forget, and think she’s on Altea,” Hunk said softly. “As if that’s why she’s no longer here with us. Like Coran and the other Alteans.”</p>
<p>“She’s forever in our hearts,” Romelle added.</p>
<p>He took a bite and didn’t even taste it. “How’s Lance coping?”</p>
<p>“We haven’t heard from him in ages,” Shay said. “Longer even than from you. He... disappeared.”</p>
<p>“Veronica must know where he lives.”</p>
<p>“Of course she does, but he refuses to let any of us to contact him. I think he doesn’t want all those memories raked up again,” Hunk said.</p>
<p>“Too bad,” Keith managed to say rather casually. “I’d wanted to catch up with him too.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Hunk said. “We all do.”</p>
<p>Keith left later that afternoon with a full stomach and a troubled mind. There was only one person to turn to, so he went to the Garrison to look for Shiro, only to have been told he was out flying and wouldn’t be back until later that evening. His speeder took him back to the barren desert grounds. That place had always given him solace. But not this time. He parked the hover bike on a cliff and stood on the edge for a while, facing the setting sun, and then screaming his frustration into the dry air.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Krolia immediately noticed something was off when he returned home. Even she didn’t manage to get it out of him, but later that night she overheard him cursing in his room. She didn’t tell Kolivan and kept it to herself, and instead knocked on Keith’s door before going to bed.</p>
<p>“Mom? Is that you?”</p>
<p>“Can I come in?”</p>
<p>“Sure.”</p>
<p>The room was dark, and the rustling sounds made it clear he was already in bed. And Kosmo too, apparently. Krolia sat down on the edge. “You seem unhappy.”</p>
<p>“I know.”</p>
<p>“I’m good at listening.”</p>
<p>“I know.” She didn’t see him, but she heard how he sat up, leaning his back against the headboard. He exhaled deeply. “It’s something Hunk said.”</p>
<p>“Did you meet him today?”</p>
<p>“I had lunch with him. Shay and Romelle were there too...” He trailed off. “I guess you two want to see everyone as well. I didn’t think when I...”</p>
<p>“We can catch up with the others later. That’s not why Kolivan and I are here anyway. Just take your time and meet with your friends as often as you like. We’ll be staying on Earth for at least a week or two.”</p>
<p>“I don’t think that’s long enough,” Keith said.</p>
<p>Krolia waited patiently.</p>
<p>“I talked to Shiro afterwards. I wanted to ask him...”</p>
<p>“Ask him what, Keith?”</p>
<p>“What to do.” His voice was loaded with emotion. “He always knows what to do.”</p>
<p>“But this time, he couldn’t help you.” She knew there was one name he still hadn’t mentioned.</p>
<p>“He doesn’t know how to contact him either. No one knows. He doesn’t want to be found.”</p>
<p>“Lance.”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” His voice was dull now, defeated.</p>
<p>“You can’t force him, Keith. He’s probably still grief-stricken. Everyone mourns in their own pace.”</p>
<p>“I want to be there for him, that’s all. He doesn’t have anyone. I have you and Shiro to cheer me up, but he... he always came to Coran or me. And we’ve both been very absent the past few years.”</p>
<p>Krolia thought his motives were a little less selfless than he made her believe, but she left that unsaid and patted his leg. “Try to get some sleep. We’ll see what we can do tomorrow. Talk with his sister, for starters.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The next morning, he did just that.</p>
<p>“Keith?” Veronica seemed surprised when she answered the phone. “You’re calling about Lance, aren’t you?”</p>
<p>“Erm... yes.”</p>
<p>“He doesn’t want to meet any of the former paladins, Keith. I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>“I know. Just tell me how he’s doing. Is he all right?”</p>
<p>“To be honest... barely. He’s got a hard time coping.”</p>
<p><em>Even after all these years.</em> He tried to imagine Shiro never coming back and being dead for good. Would he have mourned him for years too? <em>Probably. But I’d have moved on eventually, to honour his legacy. </em>“I’m sorry to hear that.” There was something else he wanted to say. “...so... no contact at all. I can’t leave a message for him?”</p>
<p>“Of course you can, but don’t expect me to shove it on his plate. Maybe one day he’ll ask me if I’ve ever heard from you guys, and then I’ll say, oh yeah, Keith was on Earth a year ago, he sent you his regards.”</p>
<p>That was entirely the opposite of what Keith wanted, so he thanked Veronica who intended to end the call. “Veronica... just one more thing. Where does he live?”</p>
<p>“I really can’t tell.” She sounded tired, as if she’d averted that question dozens of times before.</p>
<p>“I don’t need to know his exact address, Veronica. Just tell me if he lives around here. Or did he move back to Cuba?”</p>
<p>“He doesn’t live in Cuba,” was all she said. “I’m really sorry, Keith. He’s my brother and it hurts me to see him like this. I don’t want to upset him even further, I’m sure you understand.”</p>
<p>“Of course I do. Thanks, Veronica.” He threw his phone in the corner after hanging up.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>There were only so many things he was able to do now that he was back on Earth. The other paladins had jobs and it was an ordinary Wednesday, even hanging out with Shiro would have to wait another couple of days. He didn’t want to get in anyone’s way, so he took his hover bike – again – and spent entire days driving nowhere in particular. He came home at night, skipping dinner, and in fact regretted visiting Earth. If it weren’t for Krolia and Kolivan’s charity duties, he’d have asked to leave already.</p>
<p>When the weekend arrived, he finally had a purpose for the day. Shiro showed up early and all of a sudden everything was back to how it was supposed to be. They raced through the desert on their hover bikes and took a non-recommended route to the nearest town, revisiting their favourite lunchroom from years ago.</p>
<p>“Remember how I used to take you to this place, Keith?” Shiro said, his floof of hair pointing in every direction except the right one.</p>
<p>“Every time I was in trouble,” Keith said, as he held the door open for both of them. Nothing had changed since their last visit, and their seat in the corner was empty. “You think I’m in trouble right now?”</p>
<p>“What makes you say that?” Shiro sat down at the window seat as Keith took the opposite one.</p>
<p>“I... let’s talk about that later. What do you want me to order you? Same as ever?”</p>
<p>“Please no. I’m reaching my thirties. I can’t eat anything I want anymore.” He clapped his belly to illustrate what he meant, a rather exaggerated gesture, since he hadn’t changed a bit since the last time Keith was on Earth. “You choose.”</p>
<p>Keith didn’t know as much about food as Hunk, but he knew what Shiro liked and ordered a chicken breast salad for him, and a decent burger for himself.</p>
<p>“What are you smiling about?” Keith said as he looked up from the menu.</p>
<p>“It’s good to have you back,” Shiro said. “As if all those years in between have disappeared.”</p>
<p>“It’s weird, isn’t it?” Keith said. “Sometimes it doesn’t feel real.”</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” It was too early to say what he was going to say, so he sort of looked out the window for a few seconds, trying to think of another subject.</p>
<p>Shiro saved him. “So... how’s the charity doing?”</p>
<p>“Good. Everybody is happy to see us. We’re really doing good work, I guess.”</p>
<p>“So many people who lost everything due to the Galra,” Shiro agreed. “But Krolia and Kolivan... they’re Galra too. Wasn’t that hard?”</p>
<p>“It still is. Not everyone is keen to trust the Galra immediately. But we’re doing our best to convince them not all of them are bad guys.”</p>
<p>“I must have sensed something special about you from the beginning,” Shiro said. “I had no means to know you were half Galra of course, but... meeting someone so young who was better than me!” He smiled. “I never regretted standing up for you, Keith. It was worth it. All of it.”</p>
<p>“I must have gotten you into trouble more than once though,” Keith said.</p>
<p>“You did, but I had enough credit at the Garrison to deal with that, don’t worry.”</p>
<p>“I do now. I guess I was a selfish brat.”</p>
<p>“You were young and stupid, like every one of us at that age.”</p>
<p>“Still, I’m glad you stood up for me. Look where it brought us.”</p>
<p>“Into the outskirts of the universe.”</p>
<p><em>Now we’re getting somewhere. </em>“Shiro...” But he still hesitated.</p>
<p>“Keith, please tell me what’s bothering you. You’re not the type for small talk.”</p>
<p>“It’s Lance.”</p>
<p>Shiro rested his face in his hands and exhaled deeply. “I know.”</p>
<p>“He... Haven’t any of you heard from him since?”</p>
<p>“No. Nothing.”</p>
<p>“I called Veronica the other day. She said he doesn’t want to be found.”</p>
<p>“So leave him alone.”</p>
<p>“I can’t. He was my friend.” <em>We shared a bond.</em></p>
<p>“We were all friends. But we’ll have to respect his choice. That’s the least we can do, as <em>friends</em>.”</p>
<p>“That’s not enough. You’re basically telling me to let him suffer in loneliness? Without ever knowing there’s people around who care about him and want to cheer him up?”</p>
<p>“I’m sure he sees his family still.”</p>
<p>“I want to be there for him.”</p>
<p>“Why?”</p>
<p>“Why?” He didn’t mean to raise his voice.</p>
<p>“Keith, hush.” Shiro looked around and gestured an apology to the other guests. “Don’t you think you’re being selfish? Lance does <em>not</em> want to see us. Accept it.”</p>
<p>Keith considered himself a mature man, but couldn’t help pouting on those words. He crossed his arms and stared out of the window.</p>
<p>On that very moment, the waitress showed up, bringing them their lunches.</p>
<p>“Thanks,” Shiro said. “Keith. We can talk about this later.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry,” Keith said after a brief silence. “You’re probably right. I am selfish.”</p>
<p>“Eat.” That was Shiro’s way of saying “shut up”, and Keith obeyed.</p>
<p>“That salad was delicious,” Shiro said as they left the lunchroom. “Where do you want to go next?”</p>
<p>“Well, since we’re halfway a trip down memory lane,” Keith said. “Let’s go to the lake.”</p>
<p>“God, I haven’t been there in ages,” Shiro laughed. “Not since that last time with you.”</p>
<p>“Don’t remind me of that,” Keith said, still feeling embarrassed. He hadn’t really meant to jump into it with all his clothes on.</p>
<p>Shiro hopped on his speeder. “Last one there is a yalmor.”</p>
<p>“You’re gonna lose that one!” Keith said, laughing as he rushed to catch up with Shiro. “You’re gonna lose, old man!”</p>
<p>The lake was as quiet as it ever was, the water smooth as a mirror. “Who was it again that said Altea was the most beautiful planet in the universe?” Shiro said as he took off his goggles.</p>
<p>“Coran, before visiting Earth,” Keith said, but he knew he was wrong and, watching Shiro’s face, he was thinking the same. Both sank down on the edge of the lake, quieted by the heaviness of their thoughts.</p>
<p>“We lost so many people,” Shiro said, eventually.</p>
<p>Keith rested his hand on Shiro’s back. “I’m glad I didn’t lose you.”</p>
<p>“You did, multiple times,” Shiro whispered. “But you found me. Again and again.” He seemed to hold in a sob and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Sorry, Keith.”</p>
<p>“I know. Don’t worry. I’m here for you.”</p>
<p>“I wasn’t here when... when he...”</p>
<p>“Shh,” Keith said, pulling Shiro close. “It’s okay to mourn him, Shiro.”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” He swallowed, and exhaled deeply.</p>
<p>The sun slowly made its way to the horizon. There was no real need to talk, everything had been discussed before, but after a while Shiro took a deep breath.</p>
<p>“I never meant to break up with him, you know.”</p>
<p>“I know.” He’d told him that a thousand times after learning about his fighter had been shot down during the Galra attacks.</p>
<p>“We... we didn’t have a problematic relationship or something. We were fine together. I thought I was gonna end up spending the rest of my life with him and that was perfectly okay with me.”</p>
<p>Keith patted his shoulder. “You were a great couple. I always felt welcome with you both.”</p>
<p>“But I don’t understand how I never once thought of him while we were in space.”</p>
<p>“We were busy fighting a war.”</p>
<p>“Still, we all thought about home from time to time. Even you, while there was nothing really left there for you, Keith.” His breath shivered a bit. “And I never for a second thought about Adam. It was as if he was no longer a part of my life since I chose to go on the Kerberos mission. he’d become...”</p>
<p><em>Don’t say it,</em> Keith thought. <em>Don’t say burden.</em></p>
<p>“We never even said properly goodbye,” Shiro finally said. “That’s the worst part.”</p>
<p>“Look, Shiro... you’ve got to learn to live with that feeling. Nothing’s gonna bring him back. You’ve got to remember the good times, and honour his memory by never speaking bad of him. Which you never have.”</p>
<p>“Of course not.”</p>
<p>“Have you ever considered visiting his parents?”</p>
<p>“I did, a couple of weeks after...”</p>
<p>“That’s good.”</p>
<p>“They didn’t even know we broke up,” Shiro said.</p>
<p>“Because technically you didn’t, right? You guys were having a hard time, but none of you spoke the words, because you loved each other.”</p>
<p>“Thanks, Keith.”</p>
<p>“You’re my brother and I’ll always be there for you.”</p>
<p>“I wish you’d visit Earth more often.”</p>
<p>“I will.” he’d been procrastinating a return to Earth, to be honest, but being here again, spending time with the man who’d been the most important person in his life since his dad died, made him realise he’d missed this more than he expected he would. “I promise. I... I feel embarrassed now. I let you down, didn’t I.”</p>
<p>“It’s not as if you were selfishly ignoring your old friends,” Shiro said gently.</p>
<p>“I didn’t realise how much I missed all of you.”</p>
<p>“That’s good to hear, I guess,” Shiro said.</p>
<p>“Not entirely,” Keith said, and that’s when he couldn’t hold it in any longer. “I want to see Lance too.”</p>
<p>“No one knows where he went,” Shiro said. “I told you that much on the phone the other day.”</p>
<p>“Can’t you... you have access to the main computer system, right?”</p>
<p>“I know what you’re suggesting but I can’t do that. And even if I could, don’t you think Pidge wouldn’t have tried that ages ago?”</p>
<p>“You’re right.” He hadn’t thought of that. If anyone were able to find out his whereabouts, it should be her.</p>
<p>“I asked her, after you called. She says every contact goes through Veronica.”</p>
<p>“So there’s a lead.”</p>
<p>“She won’t tell. You tried.”</p>
<p>Keith cursed softly. “He can’t keep hiding forever.”</p>
<p>“No, he can’t. And he probably won’t. Just be patient.”</p>
<p>“I only have a week and a half left,” Keith sulked.</p>
<p>When the sun disappeared behind the horizon and mists appeared over the lake, they started gathering wood to make a fire.</p>
<p>“I know you’re doing useful work up there,” Shiro said, lying on his back and gazing at the stars, one arm behind his head. “But I wish you returned to Earth for good. Become a pilot again, like I did. We could fly together.”</p>
<p>“We never did until Voltron,” Keith said. “I expected us to go on missions together eventually, but not like that.”</p>
<p>“Not even in our wildest dreams,” Shiro agreed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He visited the Holts a couple of days later, catching up with Pidge and Matt, and couldn’t help asking Pidge if she’d tried to find out about Lance.</p>
<p>“Of course I did,” she said. “We all want to know where he’s hiding.”</p>
<p>“So, nothing?”</p>
<p>“Veronica knows, and she’s promised him not to tell. All we know is that he’s into farming. He took the cow and the mice. I think he’s pretty much self-sustaining.”</p>
<p>“He’s a pilot in heart and soul. That’s all he ever wanted to be. I can’t imagine him on a farm.”</p>
<p>“He grew up on one.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The next day, Keith went to visit the McClains. he’d never been at their home before, but he figured he knew them well enough to pay them a visit as well, under the guise of being on Earth for only a fortnight and trying to catch up with as many acquaintances as possible. He feared they’d see through his real intentions, and had made sure to go there this particular day, when Veronica was at work.</p>
<p>Lance’s mom however was simply glad to welcome him as a lost sheep, pulling him into her arms and kissing him on both cheeks. “You’re a grown man now!”</p>
<p>He smiled awkwardly. “Thanks, I guess?”</p>
<p>“We were just about to eat,” she said, taking his hand and pulling him through the hallway into the kitchen (where delicious smells came from the stove), and from there on to the porch on the back side. The house sat on a rather large plot of land, and they had goats and chickens, but it was not exactly a farm. Later that afternoon he learned that the farm Lance had spent his childhood on, did in fact belong to the grandparents. They weren’t here, but both Lance’s brothers were, and his sister too. A bit overwhelmed by the slightly overwhelming number of people attending, he kept close to Lance’s parents, whom he knew best.</p>
<p>“So you’re back on Earth for a couple of days?” Lance’s father asked, while walking through the orchard. Behind them, the mother and sister were setting a long table under the trees.</p>
<p>“My parents are collecting goods for the charity,” Keith explained. “I should be helping them, but they insisted on me to catch up with as many people as possible. Who knows how long before I get another chance to visit Earth?” Upon realising he’d addressed Kolivan as his parent, he felt stupidly proud, and concluded the McClain family was responsible for that sudden feel of belonging.</p>
<p>“We’re glad you even found the time to visit us,” Lance’s dad said as they sat down at the table. “I know you’d like to see Lance as well.”</p>
<p>Keith felt a shiver running along his back. <em>Did he just...</em> Could it be that easy? “Sure.” He tried to say it casually, hiding that he was almost choking.</p>
<p>“Too bad he still doesn’t want to see anyone.” Lance’s brother Marco joined the conversation.</p>
<p>That was a punch in the gut. “Not even you?” he said, his voice a bit hoarse.</p>
<p>“We’re all he’s got,” Marco said. “Of course he sees us.”</p>
<p>“He doesn’t want to be reminded of his time in space,” dad McClain said. “You should understand.”</p>
<p>“I...”</p>
<p>“Let’s eat first. I can tell you how he’s doing, that should be enough, right? The other paladins come visit us too, from time to time, but I wouldn’t count on a reunion anytime soon.”</p>
<p>They hadn’t even started, and he’d already lost his appetite.</p>
<p>“Have some of this ropa vieja, you’ll love it,” Lance’s mom said. She didn’t wait for his consent and put some on his plate.</p>
<p>“Y-yeah, thanks,” he said, prodding his fork into the meat. <em>Okay then. </em>He briefly closed his eyes as he took a bite.</p>
<p>“It’s Lance’s favourite.”</p>
<p>She shouldn’t have said that. <em>Don’t tear up now.</em></p>
<p>“Anyone can make it, but it’s never as good as mom’s,” Sophia said.</p>
<p>“Hm-m,” was all he managed to say. He didn’t have the courage to look up.</p>
<p>The others were sensitive enough to leave him, and for a few moments no one was talking to him, and there was only their chatter and the clatter of cutlery.</p>
<p>“Remember how you always tried to steal some from the cooker?” Luis said.</p>
<p>“Don’t tell mom,” Marco said. “She never found out.”</p>
<p>“You think so?” Sophia laughed. “Mom, they think you never noticed.”</p>
<p>“Sophia!” Marco yelled. “I was fifteen and hungry. I couldn’t help it!”</p>
<p>As Keith looked up, he saw Mrs. McClain trying to frown, while hiding a smile. She caught his eyes and smiled brighter, almost encouraging him.</p>
<p>The bickering went on for a while, as he ate his way through the dish.</p>
<p>“...tried Veronica’s face mask, and totally forgot about it while doing homework, so when you came downstairs for dinner...” Everyone laughed before Luis could finish.</p>
<p>“I remember Lance using all kinds of stuff like that too at the Castle of Lions.”</p>
<p>“It’s become a running gag in our family,” Marco said. “We men are very much emancipated.”</p>
<p>“I can somehow imagine your face when you first noticed,” Luis said, snorting.</p>
<p>“Don’t, please,” Keith said, equally embarrassed and amused. Things almost felt good. Lance’s siblings reminded him enough of Lance to feel sort of comfortable around them, using the same phrases and gestures. Still, he couldn’t grasp how they were able to talk about him so casually, given the reason for him being so painfully absent.</p>
<p>Later that evening, he sat on the porch swing with Mrs. McClain. She’d outsourced the dishes to her children and rested her legs on a small stool.</p>
<p>“Are you staying here tonight?” she asked.</p>
<p>“Thanks, but...”</p>
<p>“You can stay in Lance’s old room.”</p>
<p>Keith swallowed. “I’ve got an early meeting tomorrow morning with my parents.” That was a blatant lie.</p>
<p>“He’s not your real father, is he?”</p>
<p>“No. My dad died when I was a boy. He was a fireman.”</p>
<p>“Poor thing,” she muttered.</p>
<p>“Kolivan feels like a dad now. He’s going to marry my mom.”</p>
<p>“I’m happy to hear that. I like her. She deserves happiness too, after all she’s been through.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I’m happy for her too.” He looked at the darkening sky. The first stars appeared in the dark blue.</p>
<p>“Lance told me he doesn’t like watching the stars anymore,” she said. “Can you imagine? It was always his dream to fly, to follow in the footsteps of the space travellers before him. Explore the galaxy.” She sounded incredibly sad.</p>
<p>“And he was a good pilot too,” Keith said, swallowing the lump in his throat.</p>
<p>“He lost his spark, Keith.” Her hand rested on his arm. “It’s horrible to see your child in such a state – I know he’s not a child anymore, but... in a mother’s heart, they always are.”</p>
<p>Keith exhaled, wondering if his mom still saw him as her baby. “We can’t dictate how long he needs to recover from this,” he repeated Krolia’s words.</p>
<p>“He’s stuck, Keith. He refuses to move on. It’s tearing us apart.”</p>
<p>It felt as if she was trying to tell him something, hesitating to address it directly. “You know, Mrs. McClain, I could stay here tonight. I’ll have to leave early, but it means I won’t have to drive back home in the dark.”</p>
<p>“I’m glad to hear that, boy,” she said, a shiver in her voice.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lance’s room was on the first floor. Sophia showed him the way, since her mother had gone to bed early. Lance’s eldest brother had gone home, and so would she. “Mom is good at hiding it,” she just said, opening the door for him. “She’s been talking about nothing else since you called. Lance admired you. We know you guys were close.”</p>
<p><em>Not from the beginning, though,</em> Keith thought bitterly.</p>
<p>“She always brightens up when one of the paladins comes to pay us a visit,” Sophia babbled on. “You’re giving her a glimpse of the old Lance back.”</p>
<p>Keith felt a bit guilty upon those words, because he hadn’t been very talkative all day, and had spent most of the time listening to their stories. <em>I’ve been selfish. </em>He hated how he hadn’t considered their own grief for a second. All he had been able to think of was how they were able to see him every now and then, while at the same time the entire McClain family did everything to keep the paladins as far as possible from him.</p>
<p>“Bathroom is on the other side of the landing,” she said. “Goodnight, Keith.”</p>
<p>“Goodnight.” He stood in the middle of the room for a while. <em>So this was your room.</em> He switched off the light, which was too bright to his likings, and waited for his eyes to adjust to the moonlight. The bed was next to the open window, and he sat down on it to take his boots off. He realised there was one question he’d never asked: did Lance ever come home, or did they visit him on his farm? He flopped on his side and pushed his face in the sheets. <em>Lance</em>. His scent was everywhere. <em>Damn it...</em> There was a sudden lump in his throat, and he curled up in foetal position.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The next morning a bird, singing in the tree in front of the house, woke him up. It was still very early, and very quiet, and he rolled on his back, arms behind his head, to listen. It had been a weird night, and he hadn’t slept much at all. The very thought of lying in Lance’s bed was rather disturbing. They’d never talked much about their youths, but as he lay here, he felt closer to the boy Lance once was than he’d ever done before. Being surrounded by his things, his past, his posters on the walls, his scent: everything screamed his absence. <em>And after I’m gone, when I’m back in outer space, he’ll be sleeping in this very bed again and he’ll somehow know...</em> It was pointless to think this way. His mother would likely take off the sheets and wash them the moment he left. Still, he should leave him a message. he’d respect Lance not wanting to meet with the paladins, but he could leave him something else, irrelevant to his family, but which he’d immediately recognise. <em>If only I could think of something...</em></p>
<p>That’s how he fell asleep and that very thought still lingered within his mind as the birdsong woke him up. He turned to his side, facing the wall below the window, and imagined Lance watching that very wall when he was there as well. <em>Good, that’s it.</em> All he needed were two of the markers he’d spotted on one of the shelves.</p>
<p>He waited for sounds indicating Lance’s parents were getting up before he got out of bed. It took him less than second to draw the two dots on the wall, and after that he went to the bathroom for a shower and got into his clothes.</p>
<p>“Good morning,” Lance’s mother said as he entered the kitchen. “You’re early.”</p>
<p>“I didn’t close the curtains, so the sunlight woke me up,” he replied. “What’s that smell?”</p>
<p>“Bread in the oven. You’ll have to wait half an hour, but you can feed the animals in the meantime.”</p>
<p>He hadn’t realised they were so many animals that it would really take half an hour to feed them all. The chickens” flutter and greed scared him a bit, but the goats were nice, and he liked the dogs best because they reminded him of Kosmo. <em>I should have taken him here.</em> When he arrived back in the kitchen, Lance’s mother took the deliciously smelling bread out of the oven. The table was already set, and from different directions Luis and Mr. McClain entered the kitchen.</p>
<p>“Thanks for letting me stay over,” Keith said, watching how the butter melted on the warm bread. “I don’t mind driving back in the dark, but...”</p>
<p>His mother understood, of course she did. “It’s fine, Keith. We don’t use that room much anyway.” What she didn’t say was: I’m sorry, but this is as close to him as I can let you.</p>
<p>He left with mixed feelings. How long before Lance would visit his parents again? Before he found out that Keith had slept in his room? Was he even interested in knowing?</p>
<p>He didn’t drive far, only until the first curve in the road, and stopped as soon as the house was no longer visible. He couldn’t stand being that close without achieving anything, but just before leaving he’d seen a photo on the wall which must have been recent, and since no one was around, he’d quickly snapped a picture of it with his phone.</p>
<p>Lance looked horrible, to be honest. He’d lost weight, and had dark circles under his eyes. His hair was longer and his Altean marks seemed dull. He did look into the camera though, but his smile didn’t reach his eyes. Both his brothers were on either side of him. <em>I wish there were something I could do to cheer you up. </em>He put his phone back in his pocket and rushed home.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The last days before their departure were filled with charity related obligations. The Holts – especially Pidge and Matt – assisted them whenever they could, and Keith found it fulfilling to spend some time with the former green paladin, dredging up long forgotten memories, and not feeling numb and sad for a change. Matt, to everyone’s surprise, asked to join them back, and Keith only had to glance at Kolivan to have him agree, so that was settled in a matter of seconds. It would be very cramped in the cockpit though, or they’d have to leave Kosmo behind.</p>
<p>“It’s only for the time being, until we’re through the wormhole,” Krolia said. “Don’t worry about Kosmo. We’ll move up a bit, there’ll be enough room for all of us.”</p>
<p>Three more days now. Keith took Kolivan on a walk, the wolf frolicking around them, and they had the longest father-to-son talk ever. Kolivan was, surprisingly, fretting about Keith’s approval for his upcoming bond with Krolia.</p>
<p>“It’s unusual that she’s got a child already,” Kolivan said. “We Galra usually bond for life.”</p>
<p>“So do humans,” Keith said. “But sometimes it doesn’t work out, or one of them dies.”</p>
<p>“Galra don’t get a new partner when their old one dies,” Kolivan explained patiently. “Your mom should not have feelings for me.”</p>
<p>“She loved my dad, and now she loves you,” Keith said. “It’s not like she’s forgotten my dad. He’ll always be a part of her life. Of her past.” An unpleasant thought came to his mind. “Is it because of me you have doubts?”</p>
<p>“I don’t have doubts,” Kolivan said. “But I need to be sure if you’re ready for it.”</p>
<p>“Wait – you’re not taking my mother away from me, right? You can’t, you’re almost like a new father to me. Nothing will change between the three of us...”</p>
<p>Kolivan cleared his throat. “Your mother and I will probably spend more time together.”</p>
<p>“Oh... I think there’s something you should know, Kolivan.”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“By Galra terms I might still be a child, but as a human I’ve been an adult for years. I don’t need my mother like a baby.”</p>
<p>Kolivan sighed deeply. “Humans are strange creatures,” he said. “I still don’t understand half of you. I thought you and your mother were so close because you’re still a cub.”</p>
<p>“We’re close because I spent my entire youth without her and because I’m glad I found her back. You should know what a pleasant person she is to be around. It’s not like I can’t function without her.”</p>
<p>“I’m glad to hear that,” Kolivan said, completely serious.</p>
<p>They walked for a while in silence.</p>
<p>“So...” Kolivan said, out of nothing, indicating he’d been thinking all the time. “Since you’re an adult by human standards, does that mean you’re also going to bond with someone?”</p>
<p><em>I already did. But then the entire universe came in between. </em>He averted his face, Kolivan was the last person he’d want to see his eyes now. “I haven’t found that person yet.”</p>
<p>“You seem way too young.” Kolivan shrugged. “But what do I know of humans.”</p>
<p>“Kolivan...”</p>
<p>“That girl Acxa, she seems to like you.”</p>
<p>“Kolivan... what... how do Galra...” <em>Damn, why is it so hard to say? </em>“What if I’d love a man?”</p>
<p>“What if?”</p>
<p>“Would that be a problem?”</p>
<p>“Why? It’s the bond that counts. You’ll know when you see the other person and have a bonding moment.”</p>
<p>The sigh of relief came from very deep down his chest. “Thanks, Kolivan.”</p>
<p>“Another reason why I don’t understand humans,” Kolivan said. “You can’t choose the bond. It chooses you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He felt lighter after confessing to his stepdad. His mother noticed it immediately as they returned. She was waiting for them in the setting sun, her purple skin golden in the light, her eyes lighting like embers as she perceived the two men she loved most. Kosmo ran back and forth between her and the men, until he was tired of running and just lay down at her feet.</p>
<p>As Kolivan approached her, she took two, three steps to close the gap between them and for the first time Keith witnessed his mother sharing an embrace with him. He shyly looked away, but couldn’t avoid hearing their kiss. Kosmo pushed his nose into his hand, and he smiled, equally sad and happy, as he sat down on the bench, hiding his face in the wolf’s fur.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>That night, in the darkness of his small bedroom, he snuggled up against the warm wolf and like each night, he opened the photo he had taken secretly at the McClain residence. It wasn’t very sharp, he had to do it quickly, and as he zoomed in Lance became more blurred than he wished he would. Still, he’d fallen asleep watching the photo for the past few nights, studying that familiar, but estranged face. He looked older than Keith, a worried man, someone carrying a burden. <em>What happened to you?</em> How long did it take to get over the loss of someone you love? Why wasn’t he able to move on? <em>I managed to move on, even when I thought Shiro was dead.</em>.. He knew that was untrue though. He did move on, but he also kept denying he was dead, and continued to believe there was a way to get Shiro back. <em>Which I did, in the end. But what if Shiro had been really dead? </em>He found it hard to think of Lance in such a situation, and cringed at the thought of not being able to reach him, furious about how every single person knowing his location refused to share it with anyone who wasn’t family.</p>
<p><em>To Kolivan’s reasoning, I </em>am<em> family,</em> he thought. <em>We share a bond, Lance and me. </em>He unintentionally made a sudden move, making Kosmo whine as he accidentally kicked him. “I’m sorry, boy,” he whispered, cuddling the wolf. “Didn’t mean to.” The big wolf licked his face. “You’re a good boy. I’m glad I found you.”</p>
<p>When he lay down again, he had to fumble around for his phone, not remembering where he’d dropped it. When he finally found it next to his pillow, he turned it on again. The photo was still on his screen, but it was no longer zoomed in. He hadn’t paid much attention to the rest of the picture earlier, as he wasn’t that interested in Lance’s brothers, and he hadn’t been paying attention to their surroundings either. Now that the photo was zoomed out entirely, he did, and noticed things he hadn’t seen before. The place where the photo was taken could be anywhere; trees and grassland, but something in the background caught his attention. <em>What’s that?</em> The structure, narrow and high, was barely visible between Lance’s head and that of his brother Luis, but as he zoomed in, he saw an old chimney he didn’t recognise. <em>Where did they take this photo? Is it at your farm, Lance?</em></p>
<p>The longer he studied the chimney, the more he grew convinced this was no ordinary one, and maybe, just maybe, it could provide him with some information about Lance’s whereabouts. He started googling satellite images, but had to give up after a couple of hours, not only because he grew tired, but merely because chimneys are virtually invisible from above. Looking for that was like looking for a needle in a haystack. He fell asleep thinking he needed something better than this.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Late in the next morning he called Pidge.</p>
<p>“Hey, Keith. Long time no see.” It had been less than two days.</p>
<p>“Pidge... I need a favour.”</p>
<p>“I don’t have much time right now,” she said. “But maybe after work? When are you going back?”</p>
<p>“In three days,” Keith said. “Today after work is fine.”</p>
<p>He went to her apartment at the Garrison at six, finding her freshly showered and in clean clothes. She’d changed so much since their time in space, and on the other hand she hadn’t changed a bit. She was almost as tall as he was, but still wore her hair short, her clothes comfortable and her heart on her sleeve. She hugged him as he came in.</p>
<p>“What was it you couldn’t tell me over the phone?”</p>
<p>“This.” He had no intention to beat around the bush and showed her the photo.</p>
<p>“Whoa. Where did you get that?”</p>
<p>“I... secretly took it when I was at his parents.”</p>
<p>“Ooh.” She looked exactly how he felt, a mixture of embarrassment and awe. “I bet you didn’t ask.”</p>
<p>“Nope.”</p>
<p>“He looks awful,” she said.</p>
<p>“Yes.”</p>
<p>Instead of an answer, he felt her hand on his arm. “Hey.”</p>
<p>“Pidge, I need you to find something out for me.” He swallowed his emotions and zoomed in on the chimney. “I think this photo was taken at his place, but it’s impossible to find that chimney on satellite images.”</p>
<p>“You know he doesn’t <em>want</em> to be found, right?”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” <em>Don’t say no, Pidge. Please. </em>He clenched his fists.</p>
<p>“Okay. I’ll see what I can do. Wait here.” She went to the other room and returned with a laptop. “Let’s see what this thing can find for us.”</p>
<p>It took her less than a minute. “There’s your chimney.”</p>
<p>He couldn’t understand why he was trembling. “It’s the same,” he whispered.</p>
<p>“Keith.” Pidge closed her laptop.</p>
<p>“Don’t...”</p>
<p>“I’m not gonna do this. He doesn’t want it. We have to respect that.”</p>
<p><em>Don’t do this to me. Not when we’re this close. </em>“Pidge, show me where it is.”</p>
<p>“Sit down, Keith.”</p>
<p>He briefly closed his eyes, and did as ordered.</p>
<p>“Why do you want to do this?”</p>
<p>“I want to see him.”</p>
<p>“We all do. Why?”</p>
<p>He felt defeated and rested his head in his hands. “Do you think I’m selfish?”</p>
<p>“Depends.”</p>
<p>“On what?”</p>
<p>“<em>Why</em>, Keith. None of us have gone this far to find him.”</p>
<p>“Do I really need to answer that?”</p>
<p>“Not necessarily to me, but to yourself, yes.”</p>
<p>He rubbed his face. “Okay.”</p>
<p>She granted him a couple of moments. “So?”</p>
<p>“Not <em>entirely</em> selfish.”</p>
<p>She sighed deeply. “I’m your accomplice now. If he gets mad at me, it’s your fault and I’ll never forgive you.”</p>
<p>Five minutes later he went home with a set of coordinates in his pocket.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Two days before returning to space. Krolia and Kolivan were busy organising their load into the shuttle. Keith was supposed to help, but Krolia sent him off. “Please, Keith, go do something useful. You’re not focused.”</p>
<p>“What’s with him?” Kolivan asked.</p>
<p>“He’s looking for his mate,” Krolia said, and apparently that was a sufficient explanation for the tall Galra.</p>
<p>So Keith set off on his speeder, that good old thing that had never failed him, even after spending years in a barn. After ample consideration, he’d told his mother what he was up to, and she advised him to tell Shiro and Hunk as well. Which he’d reluctantly done. Hunk was wary, but didn’t judge against it, although he was scared of getting Lance upset.</p>
<p>“Be kind to him, Keith. And I mean really <em>really REALLY </em>kind.”</p>
<p>Shiro had a different opinion. He thought it might set something in motion. “I was in a different situation, of course,” he said, “but I wouldn’t be where I am now without the support from you guys.”</p>
<p>“I wasn’t there much for you though,” Keith said.</p>
<p>“But you were whenever you could,” Shiro hushed. “And that really helped me. I’ve got the feeling part of his misery comes from his loneliness.”</p>
<p>“Then why doesn’t he want to see anyone?”</p>
<p>“Because we remind him of her.”</p>
<p>“Shiro... did I ever remind you of Adam? Did I make it difficult for you?”</p>
<p>“Being back here made me think back of the good old days a lot... especially when we went for a ride in the desert together, like we used to before Kerberos. It almost felt like he’d be there as I went home afterwards. Those were the hardest moments.”</p>
<p>“I should have...”</p>
<p>“Keith.” Shiro’s lowered his voice to a reassuring tone. “There was nothing you could have done.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He reached the area in the afternoon. It was early summer, and the wind blew over the fields, caressing the long green grass, the leaves rustling gently as he passed them. he’d never been here before, and stopped his bike to take in the scenery. There must be water too, although he couldn’t see it from where he was standing, but he could hear the birds in the reed. Any retired person would love to spend their final years at a place like this. <em>But not a young man like you, Lance. </em>He put his goggles back on and drove until he finally saw the chimney. His heart pounded in his chest. <em>I know you don’t want to see me, but I want to see you.</em> Since he didn’t mean to announce his arrival, he parked his speeder in the grass and cautiously walked on. There was still no certainty that this was the place where Lance had retreated to. The photo might as well have been taken during a day off with the rest of the family. No matter where in which direction he looked, he saw no buildings, no farms, no homes. There were only the grasslands, river, trees. Hills close by, mountains in the distance. The road was framed with shrubs on both sides, and he was unable to see what lay behind them. <em>A small, hidden farm, maybe?</em> A quick look at the photo on his phone told him he was standing more or less at the correct distance of the chimney, but there was no way of telling where exactly to look. Even the satellite images he’d studied with Pidge’s coordinates hadn’t been exactly helpful. Lance’s farm was either entirely somewhere else, or hidden by trees.</p>
<p>Nevertheless he walked on, until he came across a small fence. As he peeked over it, he discovered a secreted gateway, leading into the woods. Nothing indicated a home behind it, but the gravel road wasn’t <em>entirely</em> overgrown. Trying the handle, he discovered the fence locked. <em>If I climb over, it’s trespassing. </em>He did it anyway. There was every reason to doubt this decision. He waited for his heart to calm a bit before walking on, wary for cameras or detection systems, but he found none.</p>
<p>
  <em>Oh my God.</em>
</p>
<p>He jumped behind a bush as he saw the man. The path made a curve, and behind that was a small building, and from that building a man in rubber boots appeared as a cow mooed. A man he’d recognise from a mile away. The way he walked, his posture. <em>Lance.</em></p>
<p>He waited for him to disappear from his view, and moved two or three shrubs closer for a better look. After a while, Lance returned with a bucket in his hand. His pace was heavy, his shoulders slumping a little. He looked every bit the man he’d become; a lonely, gloomy hermit. <em>Lance... what have you done to yourself.</em> Keith’s heart ached. <em>He said he doesn’t want to see us? Maybe he doesn’t want us to see hím, and know what’s become of him. </em>From where he was hiding, he could see him wandering around on the courtyard, busy with whatever farm work needed to be done in this time of the year – but inert, without zest. The cow – Kaltenecker? – mooed again, and when Lance disappeared in the direction of the barn again, Keith emerged from behind the shrubs, nervous to the point of trembling. He couldn’t bear seeing his old friend like that. He had to do this. Anticipating rejection, he walked along the gravel path until he was able to see the property, exposing himself in full view. There was no turning back now.</p>
<p>He briefly closed his eyes, inhaling deeply.</p>
<p>“Keith?”</p>
<p>When he opened them again, Lance stood in the stable doorway. The bucket slowly slipped from his hand and landed on the ground, spilling the contents. His face showed a palette of mixed emotions; anger, surprise, grief, denial. But most of all, shock. He broke into pieces before Keith’s eyes.</p>
<p>“Lance!” Within a few steps he was there, kneeling right next to him, his arm around a very gaunt shoulder.</p>
<p>“Go... away...”</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>“Keith, please.” His voice was soft and hoarse. “Go.”</p>
<p>“Get up.” Keith said. “I’ll clean that up later. Is there somewhere you can sit for a minute?” He looked around and saw a hay bale.</p>
<p>“You shouldn’t be here.” Lance’s voice was merely a whisper. He was still hiding his face.</p>
<p>“I won’t tell anyone.” Keith sat down next to him, his arm still around those way too skinny shoulders.</p>
<p>“I don’t want you to be here. Go away. Forget what you saw.”</p>
<p>“I will. But first I should apologise for upsetting you.”</p>
<p>Lance didn’t reply, but inhaled deeply before removing his hands. There they were, the faded Altean marks.</p>
<p>Keith looked away, knowing Lance wasn’t ready yet to look him in the eyes. “I’ll get you some water.”</p>
<p>He patiently waited for Lance, who held the cup in his trembling fingers, to take a sip. He tried not to look at his face, and gazed at his muddy boots instead. Then without a word, he walked to the barn to swipe the spilled food back into the bucket. He left it at the doorway, peeking inside and recognising Kaltenecker.</p>
<p>“You shouldn’t have come, Keith. I want to leave it behind me.”</p>
<p>“But you haven’t.” He didn’t look as he spoke, his eyes still on the cow. “You’re still in the middle of it.”</p>
<p>When he turned around, Lance had disappeared, probably into the house. He went back to the hay bale and sat down, wary for overstaying his welcome. For a long time, nothing happened. No sounds from the house, just the wind, the cow mooing from time to time. A rustling sound made him look to his right, and he smiled as he saw four familiar mice moving cautiously into his direction. “Hey, little ones. Remember me?” They chirped and jumped onto his hand. “I’m glad you guys are keeping him company.” He thought he saw something move behind one of the windows.</p>
<p>After a while, when it seemed like Lance wasn’t coming back, he got up and walked a bit around the property. Behind the barn was a chicken coop. He knew how to feed them, he’d done that at Lance’s parents, so he grabbed a handful of chicken food and with a mild smile watched the chaos he created as he sprinkled the grains in front of the birds. Behind the coop, he discovered a small paddock with a couple of sheep. Some came to greet him, others were indifferent. The bravest one nuzzled his hand, then glared at him with its strange horizontal pupils.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, sheep. I’m not good with animals, I guess.”</p>
<p>He didn’t want to go back to the house, and kept wandering around, trying to distract himself. He wasn’t sure how to feel about all this, so he chose to feel nothing instead and shut every emotion out. Not that he succeeded very well. It hurt his heart seeing his old buddy so depressed. As he stood on the far end of the paddock, watching the sun travel slowly to the west, a scuff of boots sounded behind him. He didn’t look, his hands leaning on the fence.</p>
<p>“How did you find me?” Lance stood next to him.</p>
<p>“I...”</p>
<p>“Did my family tell you? Pidge?” He smelled, Keith noticed. The foul stench of someone who doesn’t bother to shower anymore. It hurt. It hurt him so much, and there was nothing he could do.</p>
<p>“Pidge doesn’t know where you live,” Keith said. “And your family didn’t tell either. But I visited them a couple of days ago and I saw a photo on their wall, and I recognised the chimney.” His stomach clenched as he spoke, for he was wary for waking Lance’s anger.</p>
<p>Instead Lance sighed deeply. “I knew someone would find out sooner or later.” His fingers grabbed the fence too; mucky, thin fingers next to Keith’s. Keith couldn’t stop looking at them.</p>
<p>“Is there anything I can help with?”</p>
<p>“I don’t need...”</p>
<p>“I already fed the chickens. I don’t know how to milk a cow, but I can help you clean out the stable. She’ll be happy with fresh straw...” He finally looked at Lance, meeting two bloodshot eyes. “Anything, Lance. You can’t do this by yourself.”</p>
<p>“I don’t need help. I’m fine.” Lance averted his eyes, staring at the grass in front of him.</p>
<p>A rush of wind made the trees whisper. Kaltenecker mooed, a sad, melancholic sound. The chickens were scrambling and chatting in their coop.</p>
<p>“The animals... why do you keep them locked up? Kaltenecker doesn’t need to spend her days in a dark stable. You’ve got enough space to let the chickens run free. Even the sheep... why the fenced meadow? Why can’t they use the rest of the land?” As he spoke, he felt he knew the answer. It wasn’t the animals who were locked up, it was Lance himself, a prisoner of his grief, unable to find a way out.</p>
<p>Lance turned around. “Let me show you something.”</p>
<p>Keith followed him back to the house. It wasn’t much, but it was an opening. Lance didn’t entirely reject him. They got around the house. On the other side was a small flowerbed.</p>
<p>“Do you recognise these?”</p>
<p>“Of course.” The juniberry flowers looked strangely out of place, a treasure of colour amidst the brown and grey.</p>
<p>“I sit here and watch them,” Lance said.</p>
<p><em>You should move on. It’s okay to mourn her, but you’re stuck, Lance. </em>“They’re still beautiful.”</p>
<p>“It’s my only connection...” He briefly touched his Altean marks.</p>
<p>Keith felt a sudden anger boiling in his chest, and was unable to hold in. “No, it’s not, and you know it. We all are. Me, Pidge, Hunk and Shiro. We were a team, remember? You can’t claim your grief for yourself and reject all of us when all we want is to help you pull through.” Maybe it was stupid to bring the very thing up Lance had been avoiding for years. It certainly wasn’t smart to raise his voice to a vulnerable person. But he wanted to grab Lance by the shoulders and shake some sense into him, make him realise he wasn’t alone, there were people who loved him and wanted nothing more than help him and get his life back together.</p>
<p>“I think it’s best if you left now,” Lance said, in a toneless voice.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Shiro</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Keith is leaving Earth, and some Shiro/Curtis shenenigans</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“You sound sad,” Shiro said on the phone.</p><p>“I don’t feel like going back into space,” Keith said. His words came out with a deep sigh.</p><p>“Something happened?”</p><p>“...”</p><p>“Keith?”</p><p>“I’m not ready to talk about it.”</p><p>“Not even to me?”</p><p>“I’m sorry, Shiro.”</p><p>He didn’t push. He knew Keith better than that. “I heard Matt is going with you.”</p><p>“Yeah, he asked to. Gonna be a bit crowded in the shuttle though.”</p><p>“It’s only a short trip now.”</p><p>“Yeah... I’m glad we’ve got the wormholes. Sam is a genius.”</p><p>“Keith?”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“When you come back – you’ll be back soon, right? You promised.”</p><p>“Of course. And I will. I won’t let you wait this long again.”</p><p>“When you return, let’s go on a trip together.”</p><p>“A trip? Where?”</p><p>“Altea.”</p><p>Well, maybe that was the wrong thing to suggest. Keith was silent for the largest part of a minute. “Yeah, okay.”</p><p>“That doesn’t sound very eager.”</p><p>“I’m sorry, Shiro. Of course I want to go somewhere with you.” He trailed off, and Shiro could only guess why that was, but he did have an inkling.</p><p>“Great. I’ll see you in a couple of months.”</p><p>“Yeah, see you, Shiro.”</p><p>Well, Shiro thought as he hung up, that was a strange phone call. He put it back on his desk and continued his work. Just before it was time to leave, someone knocked on the door. “Come in,” he said, absentmindedly.</p><p>“Hi,” Curtis said. “Almost done?”</p><p>Shiro shook off his mild annoyance and smiled instead. “No. This work is never done. What time is it?”</p><p>“Almost five.”</p><p>“Well, let’s call it a day then.” He turned off his computer and put the papers back on a pile.</p><p>“I want to take you out for dinner tonight,” Curtis said, leaning against the door frame.</p><p>Shiro cringed internally. “If you’d told me I would have dressed properly.”</p><p>“You still can. I’ll wait.”</p><p>He did wait. In Shiro’s apartment, on the sofa, while Shiro took a brief shower and got dressed in something not too casual, but not too fancy either. He didn’t want to look too good for Curtis, who by now had expressed his true intentions well enough.</p><p>When he returned to his room, his hair still a bit damp, he found Curtis watching the photos on the dresser. “Is that your ex?”</p><p>“No.”</p><p>Curtis looked over his shoulder and frowned. “I thought Adam was your ex.”</p><p>“He’s dead. That doesn’t make him my <em>ex.</em> We never broke up.”</p><p>“Oh.” For the first time, Curtis looked defeated, though only briefly. “But it’s been years now, right?”</p><p>“There’s no given time frame for grief,” Shiro said. “Come on, let’s go.” He pulled Curtis away from his private belongings and sort of pushed him to the door.</p><p>“You look gorgeous,” Curtis said as they left the apartment building. “Even with that arm.” He looked like he was about to kiss him.</p><p>“Thanks,” Shiro said, struggling with his feelings. Yes, he liked going out with Curtis and he was well aware they were going to be working together at the IGF-Atlas for a long time, but he didn’t like him back the way Curtis obviously liked him. If it was up to him, they were just two friends going out, not a date, and he had no idea how to clear that misunderstanding between them without ruining their friendship. So he kept his distance. He kept it during their ride to town, and he kept it during their conversations at dinner. But then, leaving the restaurant and walking into the night, a bit tipsy because two bottles of red wine might have been a bit too much, he suddenly didn’t remember why he’d felt the need to keep his distance anymore. He didn’t object when Curtis put his arm around his waist as they walked along the boulevard and did nothing to push Curtis away when he kissed him in the cab back home.</p><p> </p><p>He woke up to the sound of the radio and the smell of baked eggs. <em>Keith?</em> That thought evaporated immediately as he saw the remains of a wild night on the bedroom floor. <em>Oh no.</em> He got out of bed and hid in the bathroom. <em>Oh no. </em>He looked at his reflection and saw a man with dark circles under his bloodshot eyes, a pale face, messy hair and dozens of hickeys. <em>Oh no. </em>A cold shower didn’t help against the pounding headache. <em>Damn it.</em></p><p>He wasn’t the person to run away from his problems, so after getting dressed in the most comfortable, ugly clothes he could find, he left the bedroom.</p><p>“Hey babe, awake yet? I baked eggs.”</p><p><em>I’m not your babe</em>. “I’m sorry, Curtis, I’ve got a terrible hangover. Even the thought of eggs makes me want to vomit.”</p><p>“I’ll make you something better then. Sit down.”</p><p><em>This is my house,</em> Shiro thought. He sat down at his kitchen table and leaned his head in his hand, not because he was hungover, but because he couldn’t face Curtis, scurrying around so cheerfully in his kitchen, the image of a man who finally achieved his one goal.</p><p>“Curtis,” Shiro said. “I think you should leave.”</p><p>“You’re not feeling well? I can take care of you.”</p><p><em>Okay. This man is not good at interpreting subtle messages.</em> “No, I meant <em>leave</em> leave.”</p><p>“After what happened last night?” He smiled, not in the least discouraged.</p><p>“Yes.” He grabbed his temples with both hands. “Yes, Curtis. What happened last night... I won’t say I didn’t want it, because I did. But it was a one-off for my part.” He looked up. “I do like you around. You’re a friend. A good friend even. But I have no <em>feelings</em> for you, Curtis.”</p><p>“I know you haven’t had anyone for years, don’t you think I noticed? You were so greedy, Shiro.” Curtis’ voice turned low as he said those last words, and he caressed Shiro’s cheek.</p><p>“Please, Curtis, leave. I’m not in the mood to talk about this now.”</p><p>“I’ll call you later then. We need to sort things out before we continue to the next level, right?”</p><p> </p><p><em>Okay</em>, Shiro thought as he lay on the sofa later that day, watching an action movie. <em>That was stupid. </em>This wasn’t why he’d kept his distance all those months, but finally the truth sank in: Curtis had patiently been waiting for this opportunity, and he’d known it, but kept seeing him anyway – could he blame the guy for taking his chance? <em>I should never have gone out with him in the first place.</em> But what’s done, is done. It was his choice to keep seeing Curtis despite not being able to reciprocate his feelings, and all he could do right now, despite his still lingering headache, was searching his own feelings why he’d acted this way. In the end, he came to the conclusion he was craving a meaningful relationship with another person, and with the end of Voltron and the war against the Galra his little family of paladins had each gone their own way, basically leaving him on his own. <em>So I’m the one who never moved on?</em> It was a hard pill to swallow; he liked to think of himself as someone who had his stuff together; wasn’t he now one of the higher-ups at the Garrison, and still captain of the IGF-Atlas? He stopped the movie, realising he’d missed at least half an hour of the action, and got up from the sofa. The view from the large window had hardly changed in those years, and memories of better times surfaced, before his illness showed up, when all he had to do was wait for two arms to embrace his waist as he stood there in front of the window.</p><p>Yes, the paladins had filled that gap for a great part, Keith in particular, but now that they’d all moved on with their lives, and him losing that special position in the team they’d been for years, the days of being a hero behind him, the team itself maybe even ceasing to exist, he realised that his life was painfully empty.</p><p> </p><p>The next two months were not his proudest. His main activity was brushing off Curtis, which made him feel terrible, because he couldn’t blame Curtis for what had happened.</p><p>He had no one to talk about his problems; Keith and Matt were both in space, the other Holts weren’t the ones to talk about his private matters, and to his horror he noticed that he was getting deeper and deeper into a state of gloom.</p><p>“Shiro, we need to talk.” Pidge opened the door to his office and blurted her words out without an introduction.</p><p>“What’s the matter, Pidge?” Shiro immediately worried.</p><p>“Not with <em>me</em>, you big oaf. <em>You.</em>”</p><p><em>Oh.</em> He flushed and looked away.</p><p>“You’ve been acting strange since Keith left. What happened?”</p><p>“It has nothing to do with Keith.”</p><p>“No?” She came in and closed the door behind her back, and walked up to his desk, leaning her hands on the wood. “Really?”</p><p>“I miss him,” Shiro said with a small voice. “We all do, I guess.”</p><p>“Yeah, I miss him too. But I miss my brother more.” Her spectacled eyes forced him to look back. “So what’s <em>really</em> going on?”</p><p>“Well...” He felt utterly uncomfortable now. “I... erm... made some sort of mistake.”</p><p>“Someone I know?” She frowned. “Don’t lie. I can tell when you’re lying.”</p><p><em>Don’t force me to say it.</em> “I think you know him.”</p><p>“Who?”</p><p>“He’s one of the Atlas crew.”</p><p>“I know everyone of the Atlas crew. Who, Shiro?”</p><p>“Curtis.”</p><p>Her eyes softened immediately. “What happened?”</p><p>Shiro stared at the ceiling. “I may not have made it obvious enough that I’m not interested.”</p><p>“And now he’s getting pushy.”</p><p>“Yup.”</p><p>“Well, he’s a handsome guy and you’ve been alone for... three, four years?”</p><p>“It was wrong. I allowed him to become a part of my life... but not like <em>that</em>. That was never the intention.”</p><p>“I can’t help you solve this, Shiro, but I blame you for not sharing this with me or my parents. We’re your friends, remember? You shouldn’t have suffered this alone.”</p><p>“You’re right. I’m sorry.”</p><p>“I’ve got some news for you to cheer you up, if you like.”</p><p>“Yes, please.”</p><p>“Keith is on his way home.”</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Keith</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>After months, Keith finally returns to Earth. Shiro is happy to see him again, but...</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Keith had been in the worst mood ever since leaving Lance behind on his shitty farm, and had even asked Kolivan permission to stay on Earth. It was declined. Krolia knew where he’d been, but didn’t ask, and undoubtedly, had told Kolivan as well, but he was adamant; personal matters could not interfere with their duties for the Blades. They never had, and never would.</p><p>So Keith went back to his work for the charity, but only half-heartedly. It didn’t bring him as much fulfilment as it had in the past. In fact, he was only waiting for an opportunity to leave, and a couple of months later, he finally had a chance. Matt was more than willing to take over – he’d been an immense help anyway – and Kolivan needed supplies from Earth.</p><p>He contacted Pidge as he approached the wormhole. He hadn’t told her he’d found the farm. Of course she had asked, before he left, but he shook his head, hoping for once to be able to lie convincingly. “It’s only swamps,” he said. “Can’t imagine anyone living there.”</p><p>If only she didn’t go looking too. But now that he spoke to her, he knew she hadn’t. Nor had any of the others. He told her he was looking forward to meeting them again, and that he’d be back on Earth way more often from now on. She was happy to hear that, and so was Shiro, after he landed. His best and oldest friend took him in a crushing embrace, and that very night Keith knocked on the door of Shiro’s apartment.</p><p> </p><p>“Come in,” Shiro smiled. He looked... hungry. Desperate? He hugged Keith again, patting his back.</p><p>“Hey, everything all right?”</p><p>Shiro didn’t answer, and invited him into his room.</p><p>“So strange to be here again,” Keith said. “It was your home before. I can’t tell how many times I’ve been here.”</p><p>“You were always welcome,” Shiro said. “With us.”</p><p>Keith sat down on the couch. “Thanks for letting me stay here,” he said. “It was quite... unexpected.”</p><p>“I know,” Shiro said. “But I want you around. Not like last time, when you were gone before I knew it.”</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Keith said. “I wish I could have spent more time with you.”</p><p>“You’re here now. Want something to drink?”</p><p>“Sure.” He got up again, walking through the room, following Shiro to the open plan kitchen. It was obvious that Shiro was troubled with something, but he waited patiently for him to start talking. He had some things up his sleeve himself, too.</p><p>But Shiro seemed reluctant to start the subject, and the first hour or so they were merely talking about the Blades” charity work. It wasn’t until after dinner when he finally confessed what was bothering him.</p><p>“Keith, something happened while you were away.”</p><p><em>Oh no.</em> <em>Lance. </em>His face grew pale.</p><p>“It happened way before, actually. But I made a mistake a while ago. On the day you left, to be more precise.”</p><p>“Tell me, Shiro.” His voice trembled.</p><p>“I’ve been seeing this guy... and he totally misunderstood my intentions. And now I seem unable to shake him off. I was drunk...”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“I’m sorry, being so drunk is not me, I know.” Shiro shook his head, a crooked smile on his face.</p><p>“No, Shiro, I’m not talking about you being drunk. I’m not interested in your love life. I thought you were gonna tell me something else. Something...” He got up and strode to the window, arms crossed over his chest. “I thought you were gonna tell me something terrible had happened.”</p><p>“It was terrible,” Shiro said, his words almost a question. A scratching sound as he got up from his chair too, and a few steps later his voice was right behind Keith. “...to me. But it seems you’ve got something worse to tell me than a date gone wrong.”</p><p>Keith briefly closed his eyes, exhaling sharply, his anger already fading from the tone of Shiro’s voice. “I’m sorry. Take your time. Tell me what’s bothering you.”</p><p>Shiro’s hand rested on his shoulder. “Come back to the table, please?”</p><p>“Yeah.” He turned around and followed Shiro.</p><p>“It’s someone I work with on the IGF-Atlas. I don’t want to stain our work relation,” Shiro said, “and I should have been more clearly in my communication.”</p><p>It took Keith a moment to empathise with Shiro. “That doesn’t sound like you.”</p><p>“I know.”</p><p>“Are you in love?”</p><p>“Absolutely not!” Shiro exclaimed. “He’s just a friend. A good one, I must admit. But to me he’s nothing more than that.”</p><p>“Still you let him into your life on another level.”</p><p>“The more I push him away,” Shiro said, “the more he admires me for being so sensible and not wanting to rush things.”</p><p>“So he’s pushy,” Keith said, a bit impatient. “You’re a grown man. Why aren’t you able to cope with this guy?”</p><p>“I don’t know.” He rested his face in his hands. “Sometimes I’m afraid I do have feelings for him. That I’m not yet ready to admit it to myself.”</p><p>“You sound like an adolescent girl.”</p><p>That made Shiro laugh. “Is it that bad?”</p><p>“Yes. Get yourself together. Just tell him you’re not interested in a romantic relationship.” He took a moment to consider, as a memory of their last meeting came to mind. “Is it because of Adam?”</p><p>“I... Maybe. No. I don’t think so. It’s been years... I’m never going to find someone like him again.”</p><p>“Don’t say never. You’re still young.”</p><p>“I don’t meet that many new people around here,” Shiro said. “I’d be surprised if one of my co-workers suddenly were the man of my dreams.”</p><p>“The other guy probably thinks he is,” Keith chuckled.</p><p>“Now tell me what’s bothering you,” Shiro said after a while.</p><p>“Not yet,” Keith said.</p><p>“Still not ready to talk about it?”</p><p>He shook his head. “Let’s plan our trip to Altea. I’m here long enough for us to go there a couple of days.”</p><p>Shiro’s face brightened. “Great idea. I thought you didn’t really want to.”</p><p>“I do now.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Shiro</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Keith and Shiro are travelling to Altea, and Curtis is jealous</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They were talking while watching a movie together, just like in the old days, when Shiro’s phone rang. He paused the movie before picking up, and left the room.</p>
<p>“Hey.”</p>
<p>“Hey, what were you doing?”</p>
<p>“Watching a movie.”</p>
<p>“Want me to join?”</p>
<p>“I’m having my friend over.”</p>
<p>“Oh?”</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>“Oh.” And without missing a beat: “Maybe tomorrow?”</p>
<p>“He’s staying.”</p>
<p>“He’s... oh.” Curtis’ voice became a bit sharper. “Next weekend then?”</p>
<p>“I’m not home next weekend.”</p>
<p>“Shiro. You’re avoiding me.”</p>
<p>“I’m out for a couple of days, Curtis. We’re going on a short trip.”</p>
<p>“<em>We</em>?”</p>
<p>“My friend and I.”</p>
<p>“I thought <em>I</em> was your friend.”</p>
<p>“Can’t a man have more than one friend?” So far, the conversation went exactly as he expected.</p>
<p>Curtis exhaled, a bit irked. “I don’t want to do this on the phone, Shiro, but since you insist... I thought we were... sort of dating?”</p>
<p><em>There is no “we”. </em>“I don’t want to discuss these things right now. I have a guest.”</p>
<p>“What kind of “friend” is he exactly?”</p>
<p>“Goodbye, Curtis. See you at work tomorrow.”</p>
<p>As he hung up, he saw Keith glaring at him with big, angry eyes. “You’re using me.”</p>
<p>“Anything to get rid of his attention for a couple of weeks.”</p>
<p>“Just say it in his face.”</p>
<p>“I have to work with him.”</p>
<p>“You had to work with Adam too. How did you do that, after your final argument?”</p>
<p>“He moved out the same night,” Shiro thought back of that day. “We had different schedules. I haven’t seen him since.”</p>
<p>“Sad way to say goodbye to someone you loved,” Keith said. He never sugar-coated his words, but this stung, especially since it came from him.</p>
<p>Shiro swallowed. “Don’t think I’ve ever come to terms with that. It still tears me apart.” His voice caught.</p>
<p>“Good.”</p>
<p>“Good? Are you serious?”</p>
<p>“It would be quite disrespectful to Adam if you ever forgave yourself for your own convenience, right?”</p>
<p>“Seems I’m unable to move on,” Shiro whispered. “I think I can’t... I failed with Curtis because there are feelings hidden inside me that I never want to unlock again.” The TV still showed a motionless vehicle halfway an explosion. As he buried his face in his hands, he felt Keith’s hand on his back.</p>
<p>“You’re not the only one,” Keith said gently. He took the remote and turned the TV off, and waited for Shiro to get up again.</p>
<p>
  <em>Not the only one?</em>
</p>
<p>“I’ve found Lance.”</p>
<p>“You...” He didn’t know how to respond, and his face went from happy to betrayed, his lips moving to form the words he couldn’t find. <em>He kept it from us for months. Even from me. </em>“You told none of us.”</p>
<p>“I promised him.”</p>
<p>“Keith...” He grabbed Keith’s arms. “Tell me, how’s he doing?”</p>
<p>Keith shook his head. “Miserable. It broke my heart.” He stared at the floor. “He’s... Shiro, I want to help him.”</p>
<p>“We all do, Keith. But we can’t force him.”</p>
<p>“We can’t do <em>nothing</em>,” Keith said. “I’m going to visit him again. I don’t care if he sends me off again. I want him to know we still care about him.”</p>
<p><em>We,</em> Shiro thought. <em>He’s not yet ready to say “I”.</em> “Would it help if...”</p>
<p>“I’m going alone.”</p>
<p>“I wasn’t gonna say that. What if we all write a note. A kind message.”</p>
<p>“He insisted not to tell you guys. I need him to trust me first.”</p>
<p>“Did you talk?”</p>
<p>“Hardly. As soon as he saw me, he told me to leave.”</p>
<p>“Something tells me you didn’t let yourself be sent away so easily.”</p>
<p>“Of course not. But I didn’t want to be troublesome either.”</p>
<p>“It makes me so sad to hear this,” Shiro said. “So sad.”</p>
<p>“He might want to talk to you, eventually,” Keith said, more hopeful than he probably felt. “I think you’d understand him best.”</p>
<p><em>Because I’ve been in the same boat. </em>“I don’t know, Keith. Adam and I were drifting apart long before the Kerberos mission. We loved each other, but our future plans didn’t match entirely. I’d have married him eventually, but it would have come at a cost, for both of us. I’d hardly thought about him after going to space. I had so many other things on my mind. It’s not like I lost him at the summit of our love affair.” He couldn’t look at Keith after those words. He realised he’d never confessed this to anyone, ever.</p>
<p>“It’s late,” Keith said. “And I’m tired from my journey.”</p>
<p>“Yeah. I’ll get a set of blankets for the sofa.”</p>
<p>“Thanks again for letting me stay here.”</p>
<p>“Always, Keith.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When Shiro was at work, Keith collected goods and funds for the Charity. After work, they met at Shiro’s apartment, or went out for dinner together. It was a relief to be around Keith, to be able to be himself again, without having to worry about what he said and how he said it. Keith and he went so far back, they understood each other without the need to explain. He hadn’t realised how he’d missed his little brother, the one person he was able to have meaningful conversations with. Curtis was by far not suited to fill that gap.</p>
<p><em>I’m happy,</em> Shiro realised, and found himself humming as he entered the IGF-Atlas a couple of days later.</p>
<p>“Someone’s in a good mood.”</p>
<p>“Oh, hi Curtis. Good to see you. You can help me with the latest update.”</p>
<p>“Is that all I’m good for?”</p>
<p>“For now, yes. We’re at work.”</p>
<p>“The other guy is consuming all your time. When do you have room for me in your agenda?”</p>
<p>“After he’s gone back home, probably. Let’s get to work, I want this finished today. If it doesn’t work, Sam won’t have enough time to fix it.”</p>
<p>“Where are you going?”</p>
<p>“Altea.”</p>
<p>That silenced Curtis for a while. He turned the screen of the nearest computer on and loaded the update. “You never asked <em>me</em> to go on a trip with you.”</p>
<p>Shiro sighed. “I’ve known him for ten years. He’s my best friend. It’s not our first trip together.”</p>
<p>“Shiro... I know we never said anything about being exclusive... but this hurts a little.”</p>
<p><em>Here we go.</em> Shiro rested his hand on Curtis’ shoulder and suppressed a deep sigh. “I appreciate you as one of my best friends. I don’t regret having sex with you. But we. Are. Not. In. A. Relationship.”</p>
<p>“You should have told me you’ve got someone else. I wouldn’t have taken so much effort to win you over.” His left index finger metaphorically kept tapping the escape button.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry if I’ve ever given you the impression that I was available,” Shiro said, gently squeezing Curtis’ shoulder. The feeling of his musculature underneath his fingers confused him. His body felt attracted to Curtis, no matter how his mind told him otherwise. <em>He and I could be fuck buddies,</em> his body told his mind. He found the strength not to say those words out loud. “I really am.”</p>
<p>Curtis briefly put his fingers upon Shiro’s. “Your update is ready.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The next day, Shiro and Keith shipped into one of the smaller shuttles and set off to Altea. With mixed feelings Shiro discovered Curtis among the people watching them take off. The trip was only brief. He was still a bit in awe, every time they travelled through a wormhole, and not long after departure they landed on Altea.</p>
<p>Coran waited for them at the spaceport. He looked older and a bit sad too, but he was his cheerful self as soon as he welcomed them, and took them to a place which was apparently his home. Allura’s statue was visible through the main window.</p>
<p>“I miss her,” he said, as he followed Keith’s eyes. “Every single day.”</p>
<p>“We all do,” Shiro said. “We miss those good old times.”</p>
<p>“Not much good about those times though,” Coran said. “But I get what you mean.”</p>
<p>“It was good because we were all there, and full of hope,” Keith said.</p>
<p>“There’s more hope now than ever,” Coran said, a bit confused upon those words. “There’s peace in the entire universe!”</p>
<p>Keith’s eyes radiated anger. “Some people are still living in the past.” He looked at Shiro too.</p>
<p>“You’re not talking about me, are you?” Coran said.</p>
<p>“No. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have lashed out at you. I have to tell you something you might already have heard.”</p>
<p>“Go on.”</p>
<p>“We haven’t heard from Lance for years. He refuses to contact any of the remaining paladins.”</p>
<p>“I know.” His mouth twitched, and Shiro suddenly remembered how Lance and Coran used to be close and have some kind of mutual understanding.</p>
<p>“I found him.”</p>
<p>“You make it sound like that’s not a good thing.”</p>
<p>“He’s not doing well.” He clenched his fists. “At all.”</p>
<p>“Oh dear.”</p>
<p>“Keith has visited him, but he sent him away,” Shiro clarified.</p>
<p>“Poor lad. You and Lance both, I mean.”</p>
<p>“I need your help, Coran.”</p>
<p>“I’ll be happy to provide all the help you need, Keith.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Are you sure about this?” Shiro asked, as they walked through the Altean capital. Some people, if not the majority, recognised them and stopped for a brief thank you.</p>
<p>“Nope,” Keith said. “I think going here was a bad idea after all, Shiro.”</p>
<p>“Let’s just enjoy the planet. I don’t agree it’s more beautiful than Earth, but it’s great anyway.”</p>
<p>“I don’t think I can ever get used to red grass,” Keith said.</p>
<p>Shiro looked at Keith’s face, not sure if he was joking. He wasn’t. “You didn’t want to go here anyway, right. I’m sorry I insisted.”</p>
<p>“It’s okay, Shiro. It’s good to spend time with you. We don’t see each other that often anymore.”</p>
<p>“But all you can think of is Lance.”</p>
<p>“And all you can think of is Curtis.”</p>
<p><em>Is it?</em> “Let’s rent one of those aircrafts,” Shiro quickly said. “Do a sightseeing tour around the planet.”</p>
<p>“Let’s go home, Shiro. I can’t stay here. Altea makes me sad.”</p>
<p>At least they got to see Coran again. He was a bit disappointed to see them leave so soon, but he was understanding and promised to visit Earth as soon as necessary.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>
  
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Keith</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Keith has a necessary, but unpleasant conversation with Shiro.<br/>But his conversation with Lance is even worse.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>That very night, they arrived back on at the Garrison platform and went straight to Shiro’s apartment after.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry I ruined our trip,” Keith said.</p>
<p>“You didn’t. I should have asked if you even wanted to go there in the first place.”</p>
<p>Keith refused to sit down and kept walking up and down Shiro’s room, knowing he annoyed Shiro but without being able to stop it, boiling with livid energy, until he saw the frames on the corner of the dresser. Adam. Shiro and Adam. Shiro’s parents. Shiro and... “Why are you keeping a pic of us?”</p>
<p>“Why not? You’re the closest to a relative I’ve got.”</p>
<p><em>No photos of Curtis. That’s good. </em>“How long has that thing with you and Curtis been going on already?”</p>
<p>“There is no “thing”.” Shiro sounded defensive.</p>
<p>“Months? Years?”</p>
<p>“Something like that. And again, there’s nothing between us. I told him that the other day, before you and I left for Altea.”</p>
<p>“Good. Because I think you’re wrong to think about a new relationship right now. You’re clearly not over Adam yet.”</p>
<p>“You keep saying that.” Shiro patted on the couch, indicating Keith to finally sit down.</p>
<p>“Because it’s true. You need to talk about what you’ve left behind. Instead, you’re bottling it up. You’re unable to forgive yourself for what happened to Adam. You keep telling yourself: what if I hadn’t gone on that mission, what if I’d done as he asked. I wouldn’t have been taken prisoner by the Galra. I wouldn’t have brought war to Earth. Adam would have lived if I hadn’t been so selfish and stubborn.” As he spoke, Shiro grew increasingly pale, his lips pressed together. He glared at Keith, and kept doing so until he teared up.</p>
<p>“Damn it, Keith.” He reached out, because he needed to be held. “You know me better than anyone else.”</p>
<p>“I don’t mean to hurt you, Shiro. But you have to be honest with yourself.” He patted the taller man on his back as he held him in a close embrace. <em>I’m no better than you. I’m not honest with myself either. </em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>He lay awake on Shiro’s couch for hours that night, hands folded on his stomach. Shiro had gone to bed early after their conversation. It was weird to see him so vulnerable again – he’d seen him this state before, especially during their time in space, but not like <em>that</em>. All those years, there was nothing indicating that he missed Adam or felt guilty about leaving him behind. Shiro had been nothing but an empathetic, pragmatic leader – the change had come only after Allura had transferred his consciousness into the clone’s body. <em>Something isn’t right with him since. </em>He inhaled deeply, feeling extremely sad as he realised the real Shiro had died a long time ago. His best friend. His brother. <em>What actually broke him, was finding out that Adam had died during the attack,</em> Keith realised. He saw the change in his friend, the silent suffering. <em>I might have to talk to that Curtis guy. </em></p>
<p>Shiro unintentionally woke him with the sounds and scent of coffee making, and apologised when he saw Keith groggily lift his head.</p>
<p>“It’s okay,” Keith said. “I’d better get up as well.”</p>
<p>“Got plans for today?”</p>
<p>“Lance.”</p>
<p>Shiro put his mug on the countertop. “Are you sure?”</p>
<p>“I know he doesn’t want to see me,” Keith said. “Or any of us. But I...”</p>
<p>“You have to go.”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” He sat up, wiping his tired face. “I can’t let him go through this alone. We’ve all agreed to let him be, as he wished, but I think we’re not doing him a favour by abandoning him.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was a sweltering day. The reed still rustled in the summer breeze as he arrived at the entrance to Lance’s farm.</p>
<p>To his surprise, the gate wasn’t locked, and he felt disappointment, because Lance might not even be home today, or maybe his family was visiting. He carefully walked the path until he could see the farm. It was deserted. Doors and shutters were closed, and so was the stable. <em>Has he left?</em> He immediately felt guilty. <em>He felt he had to leave because he’d been found. </em>As he went back to the house, he realised it didn’t <em>look</em> deserted. Everything was maintained pretty well, there were no weeds, no signs of neglect. <em>Maybe he’s on vacation. To Cuba with his family.</em> Still, he wouldn’t leave the gate open if he were. Keith felt uneasy walking around the house. He knew this had something to do with his last visit. <em>I’ve scared him off.</em></p>
<p>Behind the house, the flower bed was still filled with juniberry flowers. Nothing had changed there.</p>
<p>“Lance?” His hand nervously felt for the blade he used to carry on his back for years, only to find out it was, of course, not there.</p>
<p>No one replied.</p>
<p>He walked around the barn, only to find the chicken coop empty as well. There were no sheep in the paddock.</p>
<p>
  <em>Damn it.</em>
</p>
<p>“Keith? Why are you here?”</p>
<p>He turned around, expecting the word “again” which didn’t come. Lance was wearing a straw hat and a dirty shirt, sleeves rolled up above the elbows. He still wore those muddy boots.</p>
<p>“I’m back for a couple of days,” Keith said, drinking in Lance’s appearance. “I wasn’t able to come sooner.”</p>
<p>“I told you to leave the last time you were here.”</p>
<p>“You didn’t tell me not to come back.”</p>
<p>Keith’s heart pounded as he witnessed what could have been a glimpse of a smirk on Lance’s face.</p>
<p>“I’m quite busy at the moment,” Lance said as if nothing had happened. “You’ll have to help, or I won’t have time for you.”</p>
<p>“Where are the animals?”</p>
<p>“On the meadow behind the trees.” He turned around and opened the stable door. “You said they need to run free.”</p>
<p>Keith smiled upon those words, and followed Lance into the barn. The rest of the day, they worked together, in silence. Keith’s respect for Lance increased as he became aware of the amount of work to be done.</p>
<p>“Do you ever get help with this?” he asked. He’d taken his shirt off hours ago, all sweaty and stained, and was wearing a spare pair of Lance’s boots.</p>
<p>“Nope,” Lance said. “Keeps me busy.” He was acting distantly, but at least he didn’t shoo Keith. “Time for a break.” He dropped the prong and left the barn. Keith followed shortly after. He rounded the corner of the house. Lance just came from the house with two cups, handing one over to Keith, and sat down on the bench.</p>
<p>“You’ve been at my parents,” Lance said after a while.</p>
<p>“Yes.” he’d told him that already.</p>
<p>“Trying to find out where I lived.”</p>
<p>“No.” He took a sip. “Trying to find out how you were doing.”</p>
<p>“And now you know. Wasn’t it enough the first time?”</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>“You have to leave me alone, Keith. I don’t want to be reminded of... everything. I’m okay here.”</p>
<p>“Isn’t that selfish?”</p>
<p>“You’re calling <em>me</em> selfish?”</p>
<p>“You are. We miss you.”</p>
<p>Lance didn’t answer. Somewhere in the distance, the cow mooed. Wind played with the leaves. It was still hot, so hot, way too hot for this heavy work. Keith felt the sun stinging his pale skin and wished he’d put his shirt back on.</p>
<p>“You’ve been in my old room.”</p>
<p>“Your mother asked me to stay over.”</p>
<p>“That’s her all right. But you didn’t need to draw on my wall.”</p>
<p>
  <em>I’m not sorry. </em>
</p>
<p>“Red and blue, that was us. You could have left me a note or something.”</p>
<p>“Your mom would have found it.”</p>
<p>“Ah.”</p>
<p>It was beyond disturbing how <em>different</em> Lance was. Even in his grief, there was no need to be this apathetic.</p>
<p>“I couldn’t sleep when I saw it. I was angry. Left my room and went outside, all the way up the hill behind the house. It was pitch dark, but I didn’t care if I’d fall into a ditch and break my neck. All I wanted was to make it stop. The memories. The pain.” He put his cup on the bench, as a barrier between them. “You made it worse.”</p>
<p>The confession hurt Keith to the core. “I – I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.”</p>
<p>“They say you have to hit rock bottom first,” Lance said. “I think that was it.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>His words lingered for a long time with Keith. It was getting dark as he drove back to Shiro’s apartment. The lights were off when he arrived, Shiro probably gone to bed already. He quietly sneaked inside.</p>
<p>“Keith?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, it’s me.”</p>
<p>Rummaging sounds from the bedroom, and the door opened. “How was he doing?”</p>
<p>“Shouldn’t you sleep? You’ve got to work tomorrow.”</p>
<p>“No, I don’t. I’ve taken a day off.”</p>
<p>“Something happened?”</p>
<p>“Yeah. But that’s not important now. Tell me about your day.”</p>
<p>“It’s the middle of the night and I desperately need a shower. Make some tea for us, I’ll be right back.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Shiro</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Shiro tries to keep Curtis at a distance, but Keith has more urgent problems</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hey,” Curtis entered his office.</p>
<p>“Hi.” He knew this was coming, but that didn’t mean he was looking forward to the conversation.</p>
<p>Curtis took the other chair and sat down in front of his desk. “How was the trip?”</p>
<p>“Too short. Altea is beautiful.”</p>
<p>“I’ve never been there.” There was a question in those words, criticism maybe even.</p>
<p>“We’ve met with Coran,” Shiro said.</p>
<p>“How’s he doing?” He knew Coran well, from their time spent on the IGF-Atlas. “I miss that guy.”</p>
<p>“Well enough.”</p>
<p>“How did your... friend like him?”</p>
<p>“What?” <em>Oh.</em> He cringed internally. Curtis still had no idea his friend was just Keith, and he didn’t feel inclined to enlighten him. “They got along well, actually.”</p>
<p>“Oh.”</p>
<p>“You seem disappointed.”</p>
<p>“Of course I am, Shiro. How many times do I have to embarrass myself in front of you before you understand how I really feel about you?”</p>
<p>“As many times as I seem to have to make clear that I’m not able to answer your feelings.” He spoke softly, not to hurt Curtis. “You’re one of my best friends, Curtis, and I don’t want to ruin that between us. But I’m not the kind of guy you’d want a relationship with.”</p>
<p>“You did have a relationship with Adam. What’s changed?”</p>
<p>Shiro was flabbergasted. <em>What’s changed, you ask? How about Voltron, being a prisoner for a year, dying? </em>Instead, he said: “I loved Adam.”</p>
<p>The colour on Curtis’ face shifted, red at first, but in the end leaving him intensely pale. His mouth wobbled. “Okay.”</p>
<p>Shiro felt bad for him, and inhaled, thinking of something to say to ease the hurt, but Curtis started talking before he could. “Is it the other guy?”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“You seem pretty close.” His voice went sharp again. “I saw you two.”</p>
<p>
  <em>Saw us? When? What did Keith and I do to make him jealous?</em>
</p>
<p>“All lovey dovey on the sofa. I was just dropping by for no particular reason... I thought you were on Altea. Why did you lie to me? You could have told me you wanted time alone with hi–”</p>
<p>“Curtis,” Shiro interrupted. “Do you even hear yourself? You have no idea what you speak of.”</p>
<p>“I <em>saw</em> you. In his arms.”</p>
<p>“Yes. You did. I cannot deny that. Now what if I tell you you saw me with Keith. He’s staying with me while collecting goods for the Blades Charity. You know <em>Keith</em>, don’t you?”</p>
<p>“Keith.” Curtis flushed.</p>
<p>“Yes, that Keith. We were having a painful conversation about something from the past, and he consoled me.”</p>
<p>“I’m making a fool of myself,” Curtis whimpered.</p>
<p>“You are. You’re jealous of a ghost. I’ve been with Keith all week, and he’s going back into space on Thursday. What’s wrong with you, Curtis?”</p>
<p>“I’m stupid,” Curtis said. He pushed the chair back. “I feel so embarrassed.”</p>
<p>“Curtis, don’t.” He sighed. Now was as good a time as ever. “Stay. I need to tell you something.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He came home to an empty house. No word from Keith, which, by all means, should be a good thing. He dined alone, watched TV alone and went to bed without hearing from Keith. Half an hour before midnight he finally got a message: <em>Don’t wait up for me. </em></p>
<p>He woke from the sound of the door around two in the morning. “Keith?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, it’s me.”</p>
<p>Shiro got out of bed, and opened the door to the living room.</p>
<p>“Shouldn’t you sleep? You’ve got to work tomorrow.” This was Keith all right, dirty and sweaty and smelly, and terribly tired, but still concerned about Shiro’s wellbeing. He suddenly felt empty inside. <em>I need someone to worry about me. </em></p>
<p>After taking a shower, Keith still looked exhausted, but at least he was clean, and he sat down on one of the chairs at the kitchen counter, cupping his tea in his hands. “He didn’t send me away.”</p>
<p>“That’s something,” Shiro said.</p>
<p>“That’s all there is to say,” Keith said. He blew in his mug, reluctant to drink while it was still hot.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Shiro said. “It’s me. You can tell me everything.”</p>
<p>“He...” He palmed his face. “I seem to have made it worse – the first time I was there... I...”</p>
<p>Shiro walked over to his side and put his arm around Keith’s trembling shoulders. “Hey, it’s okay. I got you.”</p>
<p>“He...” One tear dropped on the countertop, then another. “I’m so glad he... he’s still here.”</p>
<p>“Oh my God.” Shiro sat down next to him. “Was it that bad?”</p>
<p>“If... it would have been my fault.” He leaned into Shiro’s embrace like a child, his shoulders jerking as he tried not to cry.</p>
<p>“Take a deep breath, Keith... Good. And another one.”</p>
<p>Finally, Keith calmed down, his breath still a bit shaky.</p>
<p>“Is that why you came home so late? Driving around for hours, torturing yourself with those thoughts?”</p>
<p>“No... I stayed until sundown. I’ve been helping him at the farm. He said I had to, or else he wouldn’t have time for me.”</p>
<p>“That’s good, I guess.”</p>
<p>“He’s changed so much, Shiro. There’s nothing left of the old Lance. He even looks different. You’d hardly recognise him.”</p>
<p>“I think he shouldn’t be alone in the first place,” Shiro said cautiously.</p>
<p>“Of course not!” Keith said fiercely. His voice lowered immediately. “But he isn’t.”</p>
<p>“I bet his family visits often enough?”</p>
<p>“Them too.” He finally took a sip of his tea. “He told me a strange story. There’s a man living in the swamp. Scarecrow of an old guy, a bit of a lunatic apparently. Tells weird stories and never asks him anything. He has no idea where exactly he lives but from time to time he shows up at his doorstep. He seems to like the guy.”</p>
<p>“Someone who doesn’t ask questions and doesn’t know anything about his past...”</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>“What else did he tell you?”</p>
<p>“Nothing much. He’s avoiding the main subjects.” He sighed deeply. “He let his animals run free though. I think that’s good.”</p>
<p>“They weren’t before?”</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>“Maybe it was something you said after all.”</p>
<p>“Maybe.” He finished his tea and looked at the clock on the wall. “I really should get some sleep. I’m exhausted.”</p>
<p>“Sleep in tomorrow. I will too.”</p>
<p>“Thanks, Shiro.” He got up from the chair. “Wait – there was something you needed to tell me too, right?”</p>
<p>“It’s not important right now, Keith.”</p>
<p>“Do tell. Is it Curtis?”</p>
<p>Shiro nodded. “It’s really not important. I’ll tell you in the morning.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Keith</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Keith has something to confess to Pidge, and Curtis insists to talk with Keith.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Keith went to see Pidge the next day. She had her lunch break in her air conditioned office. He closed the door and sat down on the other chair.</p>
<p>“How was Altea?”</p>
<p>He shrugged. “Felt uncomfortable. We only stayed for a day.”</p>
<p>“Too bad. I’d have gone in your place.”</p>
<p>“Coran is coming to visit Earth soon.”</p>
<p>“That’s great! I miss him.”</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>“So... anything else you wanted to tell me?”</p>
<p>“I lied to you.”</p>
<p>A brief frown, and a gaze from behind her glasses. “Lance.”</p>
<p>“Yes.” His cheeks reddened. “I should have been honest with you but...”</p>
<p>“Of course you should. But you probably had your reasons.”</p>
<p>“He asked me not to tell.”</p>
<p>“You’ve <em>spoken</em> with him?”</p>
<p>“Twice.”</p>
<p>“Did you forget something, Keith? We’re a team. We’re still Voltron. You’re not the only one who’s concerned about Lance. Did you even think of Hunk? I bet you told Shiro, didn’t you?”</p>
<p>“You’re absolutely right,” he said full of regret. “But Pidge, listen. Lance is not our Lance anymore. He’s a secluded hermit, and he does <em>not</em> want to be reminded of ever having been a pilot or even the member of a team. He wants to be left alone... and he’s not doing well, Pidge.”</p>
<p>“Is he... depressed?”</p>
<p>“Worse.” He pressed his lips together and folded his arms in front of his chest.</p>
<p>Her eyes softened. “I’m glad at least one of us has been able to get through to him.”</p>
<p>“I wouldn’t call it that,” Keith said. “Pidge... I don’t know much about anything, but... I don’t know. I think it should be better if one of us should visit him from time to time, any of us. But he doesn’t care that we care. He said I shouldn’t tell you guys I found him. I feel bad breaking that promise.”</p>
<p>“Is he even... do you think he’s <em>ashamed</em> of what he’s become?”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“Maybe that’s why he doesn’t want to see us.”</p>
<p>Keith had to admit, that thought had crossed his mind too. For a brief moment, he even allowed himself to think Lance was doing slightly better than the first time they’d met. But then the guilt struck him again. <em>He wanted to...</em> “You might be right.” <em>Ashamed, maybe. But he confided to me about his darkest hour. </em>“I wish I could go there again, but I’ve got no time.”</p>
<p>“Don’t overdo it. Give him some time to process. When will you be back on Earth?”</p>
<p>“A month or two? Kolivan has allowed me to visit Earth more often though.”</p>
<p>“As long as we get to see you as well,” Pidge said, briefly touching his hand. “Hey, Keith, you should drop by at Hunk’s place too before you go.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I will.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>An unfamiliar voice called his name as he left her office. He turned around, and saw someone he recognised as one of the Atlas crew members. He immediately knew who it was and clenched his fists. If there was <em>anyone</em> he didn’t need to see now, it was Shiro’s jealous wannabe boyfriend. The guy jogged a little to catch up and placed an unwelcome hand on Keith’s shoulder.</p>
<p>“I don’t have time,” Keith said. “I’m on my way to someone.”</p>
<p>“Two minutes,” Curtis said.</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>“One.” He started walking up with Keith, leaving him no choice but to listen. “I – You know who I am, right?”</p>
<p>“Someone of the Atlas crew,” Keith said, deliberately insulting.</p>
<p>“Curtis,” Curtis elaborated. “I’ve been dating Shiro and I <em>have</em> to ask you...”</p>
<p>“You haven’t been dating him,” Keith said. “You went out with him a couple of times, that’s all.”</p>
<p>“Is that what he told you? You don’t know half the story, apparently... which is good. Turns out you’re not as close with him as he made me believe.”</p>
<p>“What the fuck are you implying?”</p>
<p>“He denies it,” Curtis continued, “but let me make it clear: you’re in my fairway.”</p>
<p>“Wait –” Keith was going to say: “So you think I’m dating Shiro? I’m his boyfriend?” The very thought of dating the person he considered his brother was ridiculous, and a clear sign of how blind Curtis really was. He held his tongue. “Listen, Curtis.” Keith stopped, and sighed. “He likes you. He wouldn’t spend all that time with you if he didn’t. But let me tell you one thing, and I tell you this because I care about him more than anyone else – Shiro is the most honest person you’ll ever meet. He doesn’t play games. If he keeps rejecting you, he’s not playing hard to get; he’s just not interested. He likes you as a friend, but that’s all. Don’t expect more of him. It’ll leave you both disappointed.”</p>
<p>Curtis glared at him, desperately trying to hide his emotions. He swallowed. “You’re not someone to sugar-coat things, huh.”</p>
<p>“No. But it’s not about you, Curtis, it’s about Shiro. I want him to be happy, and right now, he isn’t.”</p>
<p>“Because of me.”</p>
<p>“Because of you.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Shiro</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Shiro reconnects with Pidge and Hunk, while someone else is disappearing from his life</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Someone knocked on his door.</p>
<p>“Come in.” Shiro didn’t look up, busy with paperwork. Apart from commanding the IGF-Atlas, he also taught classes, training a new generation of MFE pilots. The door opened and shut again, and he looked up as someone came in really quiet.</p>
<p>“Pidge?”</p>
<p>“I need your help, Shiro.” She looked upset.</p>
<p>“What- why?”</p>
<p>“Keith just told me. About Lance. And you knew, but you chose not to tell us. Hunk and me.”</p>
<p>“He... don’t blame Keith, please. He’s having a tough time. It was Lance who asked him to.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, that’s what he told me... but I’m not happy with the situation. I think we should go visit him too.”</p>
<p>“He doesn’t want to, Pidge.”</p>
<p>“So? We’re just gonna let him suffer alone? We’re a <em>team</em>, remember?”</p>
<p>“Pidge... Keith even said that in his face, and he still didn’t care.”</p>
<p>“He did?” She shook her head. “I bet Keith told you more than me.”</p>
<p>“Probably. Don’t feel bad about it.”</p>
<p>“No. But there was something he said... something I came up with, but he felt the same. He must have told you as well.”</p>
<p>“Told me what?”</p>
<p>“We think Lance is ashamed of what he’s become.”</p>
<p>Shiro leaned back in his chair. This was new, Keith hadn’t told him anything like that. He stared at the square ceiling tiles. “You might be right.”</p>
<p>“It should be you, Shiro. You were in command. He did listen to you.”</p>
<p>“I can’t force him, Pidge. And I don’t want to come uninvited. He’ll hate me for it, and he’ll hate Keith even more for telling us, breaking his promise.” He sighed. “Besides, Keith was also in command, and he used to listen to Keith as well. If even he can’t get through to him...”</p>
<p>“I hate this,” Pidge sighed, resting her head in her hands. “I hate that Allura had to die, but what I hate even more is that Lance is in this state ever since.” She looked up. “Did you know their love went that deep? I mean – they hadn’t even been a couple for that long...” Her face clouded as she saw Shiro’s expression. “Oh my God, Shiro, that was so thoughtless to say... I’m sorry.” In three steps she rounded the desk and put her arms around his shoulders, leaning her chin on his head. “I’m so sorry. We never asked you anything. We just assumed you’d moved on...”</p>
<p>“I sort of did,” Shiro uttered with a hoarse voice. Her arms were a strange and unexpected solace, and he blinked not to show her he was almost tearing up.</p>
<p>“You’re not alone, Takashi Shirogane,” Pidge said. “If I can’t be of any use to Lance, let me at least help you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Keith left Earth two days later, and it was only after his departure that Shiro noticed something had changed in his surroundings. While Pidge and Hunk spent time with him way more often than they did before, another person on the contrary seemed to slowly disappear from his life. He had no idea that Keith had talked to him, but the realisation of not having to decline him every couple of hours was refreshing. He didn’t give it much thought at first, but as he started feeling more relaxed at work and at the gym, he realised it was Curtis who’d had him on the the edge of his nerves the whole time. When he ran into him occasionally, walking the corridors or during work on the Atlas bridge, Curtis was distant but respectful, and kind in a non-invasive manner. They only talked about work related subjects and when at the end of the week Shiro asked him to drink something after work, Curtis politely declined.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Keith</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Keith receives a call from Earth</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“A call for you from Earth,” Krolia said. “Do you have time to take it?”</p>
<p>“Not now,” Keith said. “Tell them I’ll call back as soon as possible.”</p>
<p>“You might want to take it though. I’ll take over your work.”</p>
<p>His stomach clenched as he looked up. “Who is it?”</p>
<p>“Your friend. Go. He’s waiting.”</p>
<p>He ran. Shiro wouldn’t interrupt his work unless it was urgent.</p>
<p>“Shiro?” The connection was poor, and his voice sounded weird. “Shiro, what’s the matter?”</p>
<p>“...eith... “s me...”</p>
<p>“Shiro! Talk slowly, I can’t hear you. There’s too much noise on the line.”</p>
<p>“..ot Shi...”</p>
<p>Keith cursed and tried to adjust the signal. “I can’t understand a word you say. Can you even hear me?”</p>
<p>“Keith, it’s me.” The voice suddenly sounded loud and clear through the cockpit.</p>
<p>“Lance?” His legs turned into jelly. “Lance, is that you?”</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p><em>Is this really happening? </em>He flopped onto the chair.</p>
<p>“Keith, say something. I’m bothering you, aren’t I? You’re probably busy. I shouldn’t have...”</p>
<p>“No, Lance, no, it’s okay. It’s just... I can’t believe it’s really you. Where are you? Where did you get a transmitter?”</p>
<p>“I kept the old one,” Lance said. “And I... erm... I’m...”</p>
<p>Keith felt cold fingers of fear around his heart. “Are you okay? Lance?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, I’m okay. Really.”</p>
<p><em>He’s not okay. </em>“I’m glad to hear your voice.”</p>
<p>Silence.</p>
<p>
  <em>This is not good. Damn it, why am I in space, millions of lightyears from Earth?</em>
</p>
<p>“Keith... I wanted to ask you something.”</p>
<p>“Sure, anything,” Keith said, still wary.</p>
<p>“When you’re back on Earth someday... would you come over again? I... I haven’t been very nice to you, sending you off and all.”</p>
<p>“I don’t blame you for anything,” Keith quickly said. “I know you didn’t want to see me.” <em>Or any of us. </em></p>
<p>“But now I do.”</p>
<p>Keith’s heartbeat grew faster. <em>Is this real? </em>“I’ll be back on Earth shortly.”</p>
<p>“Thanks,” Lance said. There was relief in his tone.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Keith said, lowering his voice. “Are you sure you’re all right?”</p>
<p>“I’ve been thinking,” Lance said. “About the things you’ve said.”</p>
<p>
  <em>So have I. I’ve been worried sick about the things you said.</em>
</p>
<p>“I... I just hope you want to come over again when you’re back.”</p>
<p>“As many times as you want,” Keith said.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Krolia found him still in the chair, more than half an hour later, and put a hand on his shoulder. “Keith?”</p>
<p>“It was Lance.”</p>
<p>She looked her son in the eyes for a long time, and ruffled his hair before leaving the cockpit.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Shiro</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Shiro discovers something about himself... and Curtis</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>On a Thursday after work, Shiro went to Hunk’s restaurant with Pidge and her parents. He realised he should do this kind of things way more often. The feeling of belonging made him happy. He’d been in a good mood lately anyway. Keith was still out in space of course, but he’d spent almost every lunch break with Pidge, had Hunk and Shay over a couple of times and Curtis... just wasn’t bothering him anymore.</p>
<p>So he was surprised to run into said Curtis as they left the place. Hand in hand with no other than James. Who looked as if he’d won the lottery. And Shiro, although greeting them with a smile, couldn’t help looking over his shoulder as they walked to one of the tables, quietly laughing about something while Curtis’ hand slid to the small of James’ back.</p>
<p>The next morning, he found himself glaring at Curtis’ back as he entered the Atlas bridge, and it took him a couple of seconds to process what he was doing.</p>
<p>Over the weeks that followed, he couldn’t help noticing he was <em>annoyed</em> whenever he saw Curtis and James together, and when one night, after he’d been running his daily round on the Garrison grounds, he witnessed Curtis leaving James’ apartment with a lingering kiss that told him more than he wanted to know, he knew he was jealous.</p>
<p>He realised he <em>did</em> like Curtis, but just hadn’t been keen on his pushy behaviour. <em>Was I too stand-offish? </em>He lay in his bed, hands folded over his stomach. <em>Was it all my fault? I never made clear what I expected of him, did I? I was only thinking about myself, and how he made me feel. Did I ever consider how I made him feel? </em>Realising that he <em>missed</em> him was disturbing, and he tried to reason with himself that it was only the company he missed. He was most likely projecting the feeling of missing his buddy Keith on Curtis.</p>
<p>Still, as soon as the opportunity arose to have lunch with Curtis due to James being on a test flight, he asked him to share their 30 minutes together, and Curtis happily agreed.</p>
<p>Only then he realised how much he’d missed his friend, and although Curtis remained as distant as someone in a relationship with someone else should be, they laughed and talked until one of them realised they should have been back at work 15 minutes ago.</p>
<p>From then on, Curtis became part of Shiro’s life again. Most of the time James was there too. Shiro remembered how the younger pilot used to be in Keith’s class, and how he too had admired him back then. The three of them had also shared the experience of that final, agonising fight in space, which created a bond, not as strong as the one with the paladins though, but he enjoyed the sense of belonging anyway.</p>
<p>“You look happy,” Pidge said the next time they had lunch together.</p>
<p>“I’m in a good mood,” Shiro said.</p>
<p>“I told you you should spend more time with your friends,” she said.</p>
<p>“You were right, as usual.”</p>
<p>“Of course. So you and Curtis are on speaking terms again as well?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, all is great now.”</p>
<p>“Good. Everybody happy.” She said it just before taking a bite, to give Shiro the chance to deny what she suggested.</p>
<p>“Oh – Lance.”</p>
<p>“Hm-m.” She swallowed. “Have you heard anything from Keith?”</p>
<p>“No... he’s been very busy, apparently.”</p>
<p>“I didn’t hear anything either,” Pidge said. “I hope he’s okay.”</p>
<p>Shiro frowned. “What are you implying?”</p>
<p>“I caught a signal the other week. I was trying to contact Keith’s ship, when another signal interfered. It came from the swamp where Lance lives.”</p>
<p>“So... you think they’ve been in touch?”</p>
<p>“Apparently. I didn’t even know Lance kept his transmitter...”</p>
<p>“But you haven’t heard from Keith since?”</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>He caught Pidge’s eyes. “Oh my God, Pidge. What if that message was a goodbye?” He suddenly lost his appetite and pushed his plate away. “We have to check on him,” Shiro said. “I don’t care if he doesn’t want us to.”</p>
<p>“No – Shiro, use your brain for a change. Look at that table over there.”</p>
<p>He turned around and saw a young woman chatting and laughing with two co-workers.<em> Veronica.</em></p>
<p>“Does that give you the impression something happened to her brother recently?”</p>
<p>“Not exactly.”</p>
<p>“So, calm down. He’s probably fine. It’s Keith I’m worried about.”</p>
<p>“Leave the worrying to me,” Shiro said. “I’ll try to contact him later today.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Keith</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A short chapter. Keith is a bit sad.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Keith, it’s Shiro.”</p>
<p>“Hey, how are you?”</p>
<p>“Very good. And you? Any plans on coming home soon?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, couple of days... How come you’re so cheerful?” For an instant he hoped Shiro was going to tell him about Lance. If he contacted him, why not call Shiro as well? His hopes were blown away as soon as Shiro answered.</p>
<p>“Nothing special. Just catching up with old friends lately. Pidge was right, I had become too much of a recluse...”</p>
<p>“That’s good to hear.” He wanted to be one of those old friends. He loved the work for the charity, making all those people happy, helping them rebuild their lives and societies, but there were times when he longed so much for Earth, it physically ached. This was exactly such a moment, and Shiro calling right now didn’t help either. “I miss you. All of you.”</p>
<p>“Just a few more days,” Shiro said.</p>
<p>“I’ve been planning to come sooner, but every time something came in between.”</p>
<p>“Don’t let that happen this time.”</p>
<p>“I won’t.”</p>
<p>“Keith... that little box you took from Altea... do you still have it?”</p>
<p>“Of course.”</p>
<p>“When are you going to give it to him?”</p>
<p>“Not before he’s ready.”</p>
<p>“Good,” Shiro said. “Will you stay at my place again?”</p>
<p>“I can’t. I think I’m bringing Kosmo.” <em>That is a lie.</em></p>
<p>“Oh, shame.”</p>
<p>“I won’t forget you, Shiro. I’ll come by whenever I can.”</p>
<p>“I know. Looking forward to that, Keith.”</p>
<p>He landed on Earth three days later, in the middle of the night. There was no one to welcome him, except some sleepy ground crew, and he left for his cabin immediately, planning to catch up with Shiro and Pidge sometime the next couple of days. There was one thing he needed right now, and that was solitude.</p>
<p>The door opened with a soft creak. As always, there was that distinct smell in the house which was both disgusting and comforting. He left the door open and opened the windows in the opposite wall to let some air in, and went to his room. <em>I wish I’d brought Kosmo after all. </em>After a while, his nerves calmed down, and he took his phone.</p>
<p>It took a while before Lance answered, and he sounded so sleepy that Keith felt guilty for waking him – but he promised to call him as soon as he was back.</p>
<p>“Keith?”</p>
<p>“Lance, I’m home.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Shiro</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Curtis has a problem, and turns to Shiro for comfort</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A short chapter, but don't worry, 14 is going to be a longer one.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Shiro, can I come over tonight?”</p>
<p>“Erm... sure. You sound upset.”</p>
<p>“Please say yes.”</p>
<p>“Sure. You’re always welcome.”</p>
<p>Curtis knocked on his door half an hour later, and when Shiro opened the door he looked into two eyes so sad, that he immediately knew what had happened. They stood in the hallway for a long time, Shiro’s arms firmly around Curtis’ shoulders.</p>
<p>“Thanks, Shiro,” Curtis whispered after a while.</p>
<p>Shiro took him in, put him on the sofa, and poured him a glass.</p>
<p>“When?”</p>
<p>“This evening, after work.”</p>
<p>“Out of nothing?” Shiro almost couldn’t believe it. James and Curtis had seemed so close and in love.</p>
<p>“It hadn’t been entirely okay for quite a while,” Curtis said with a soft voice. “Not the kind of things you’d share with an outsider, of course.”</p>
<p><em>So I’m an outsider. </em>“Of course.” He sat down next to Curtis. “I’m so sorry for you. I thought you were a great couple.”</p>
<p>“Yeah... Maybe he was too young? I don’t know. I really loved that boy.” His voice caught, and he hid his face in his hands. “I’m sorry, Shiro. Wasting your time like this.”</p>
<p>“Hey,” Shiro put his hand on Curtis’ shoulder. “That’s what friends are for.”</p>
<p>“Yeah... that’s what they say, right? Lovers are temporary, friends are forever.” He leaned in to Shiro, as if trying to tap from his strength.</p>
<p>Afterwards, Shiro was unable to tell when the comforting passed into making out. He did know there were no regrets though. Not with him, not with Curtis. He woke up on the sofa, with Curtis’ head on his chest, and he felt that was okay. He stretched his arm and pulled a blanket from underneath the sofa, draping it over their bodies, and closed his eyes again, caressing Curtis’ hair. <em>Why didn’t I want this man in the first place? </em>He couldn’t remember, and felt relief that after his breakup, he’d come to him for solace.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Keith</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ok guys, here it comes. Get the tissues ready.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lance waited for him at the gate. The night was still pitch-black, and the chilly autumn winds roared through the almost leafless trees. Keith drove his speeder onto the gravel path, and Lance closed the gate behind him. As soon as he got off his bike, he walked up to Lance and draped his arms around the other paladin’s bony shoulders, pressing him against his chest. “Damn it, Lance.”</p>
<p>Lance’s breath was warm but trembling against his neck, and after a hesitating couple of seconds he embraced Keith back, so tight Keith could hardly breathe.</p>
<p><em>I’ll hold you as long as it takes,</em> Keith thought, his eyes closed as he felt Lance’s breath, his heartbeat, his arms pressing around his waist – and then his tears, dropping along his collar into his neck.</p>
<p>“You came,” Lance whispered.</p>
<p>“I told you I would,” Keith said, patting Lance’s back. “I’ll always come when you ask me to.” His lips touched the fine hairs in Lance’s neck as he spoke. Lance sniffled. “Let’s get inside. You’re catching a cold.”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” His voice was a mere sigh.</p>
<p>Keith had never been in Lance’s house before and had no idea what it looked like, but he didn’t get a chance to see, because Lance kept it dark and led him by his arm to one of the rooms. It was pleasantly warm though, and Keith took his jacket off. The bright flame of a match lit the room and a moment later a blue flame and the quiet hiss of gas indicated Lance had lit the stove.</p>
<p>“Coffee?”</p>
<p>“Tea,” Keith said, looking around in the barely lit kitchen. <em>I wonder if he has no electricity. Or does he like the dark? Is there something he doesn’t want me to see?</em></p>
<p>“You can sit over there,” Lance said, filling the kettle and putting it on the stove.</p>
<p>“Thanks.” He sat down on a bench and a moment later Lance sat down next to him, leaning against him as if he needed the reassurance of Keith’s presence. <em>Or maybe he’s just cold, maybe it’s a small bench. </em></p>
<p>“I was hoping...” Lance said quietly, “...that you’d stay a bit longer this time.”</p>
<p>“As long as you want,” Keith said.</p>
<p>“Thanks.” His voice was a whisper again.</p>
<p><em>He needs me,</em> Keith realised, not knowing if that should made him happy or not. “How long since the last time you’ve seen someone?” he asked.</p>
<p>“Marco, last week,” Lance said. “They don’t forget me, don’t worry about that. I’ve got enough company.” He fidgeted a bit. “...but the nights, Keith, the nights...”</p>
<p>“Hey, don’t worry, I’m here now.” He draped his arm around Lance’s shoulder, pulling him closer. “I got you.”</p>
<p>The kettle whistled as the water boiled, and Lance reluctantly freed himself from Keith’s embrace, pouring the hot water in mugs by the light of the blue flame. When the tea was done, he turned it off, leaving them in the dark.</p>
<p>“Careful, hot,” he said as he pushed one mug into Keith’s hands. Their fingers touched briefly.</p>
<p>“One tiny light, maybe?” Keith asked cautiously. “A candle?”</p>
<p>Lance sighed. “Okay.” A soft knock as he placed his mug on the invisible table. He lit another match and lit the tiniest flame in a lantern, leaving it on the countertop.</p>
<p>“Better,” Keith lied. It was hardly an improvement, but at least he could see the table now, and put his tea on the wooden surface. Lance clearly didn’t want him to see his face.</p>
<p>“I’ve been thinking a lot lately,” Lance said as he sat down again, leaning in to Keith’s warmth. Naturally, Keith put his arm around him again, and Lance rested his head on Keith’s shoulder. “... about the things you said.”</p>
<p>Keith waited, encouraging him with silence.</p>
<p>“You called me selfish.”</p>
<p>“Yes.”</p>
<p>“You were right.”</p>
<p>“I was harsh.”</p>
<p>“Yes, that too. But you were right. I was selfish. I was wallowing in grief and I didn’t care how you and the others missed me.”</p>
<p>“I was selfish too, the first time I came looking for you.”</p>
<p>“I know.” He snuggled up to Keith. “But I’m glad it was you.”</p>
<p>Keith inhaled deeply, closing his eyes for a moment. Lance’s hand slid up his chest, lingering between his neck and collarbone. Keith gently placed his hand on Lance’s, intertwining their fingers.</p>
<p>It was quiet for a long time. The lantern spluttered. Keith thought Lance might have fallen asleep, but when he carefully peeked, he saw the reflection of the flame in his eyes.</p>
<p>“I shouldn’t have locked myself away,” Lance said.</p>
<p>“You did what felt right.”</p>
<p>“But it wasn’t. I just... I didn’t want to be reminded of Vol...” He took a deep breath. “Of Vol...” He didn’t get it over his lips.</p>
<p>“...tron,” Keith finished for him. He caressed Lance’s thin fingers. “It’s okay, Lance. We all understand.”</p>
<p>Lance’s fingers buried into Keith’s shirt. “You talked about me.”</p>
<p>“Of course we did. We care about you. You’re one of us.”</p>
<p>Lance shoulders jerked, just once.</p>
<p>“You belong with us.”</p>
<p>“So did she.” He finally said it.</p>
<p>“Yes. I wish it would have been different.” Empty words, and although he always knew this moment would come, no matter how hard he’d thought about it, he didn’t know what to say to him. And whatever he’d say, it would never be enough.</p>
<p>“I miss her.”</p>
<p>“We all do,” Keith said carefully, “but none of us misses her as much as you do.” His heart started pounding as he knew what the next step should be, and he sat straight, kindly pushing Lance aside so he could reach in his pocket.</p>
<p>Lance hardly noticed. “I wanted to have a future with her,” he went on. “But it was taken from us. Every day when I wake up, I get smashed in the face with the thought that she’s not here to live it with me.”</p>
<p>“Lance,” Keith gently interrupted. “I brought you something.” He folded Lance’s fingers around it as he placed it in his hand. “You don’t have to open it in my presence. But it belongs to you.”</p>
<p>Lance’s eyes glistened in the light of the single flame. His hand trembled, and he closed his other hand around it, protecting the little box, that was clearly of Altean origin. Then, he took his hands to his heart, and as he closed his eyes, Keith saw a tear dropping from each of his eyes. “Thank you,” Lance whispered.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He lay on the couch, fully clothed, shivering under a thin blanket. Still, he knew he wasn’t half as uncomfortable as Lance, alone in his upstairs bedroom, with nothing but a tiny box to rub salt in that wound that wouldn’t heal. Part of him wanted to go to him, open the door to that room and comfort him during the episode of grief that would undoubtedly follow, but the last thing he wanted to be was pushy. So he waited, for either sleep, or Lance calling his name, but neither came.</p>
<p>Early in the morning, some crows cawed from the trees behind the house. The cow mooed. He opened his eyes, apparently he had fallen asleep eventually, and he got up, for the first time able to take a look at the interior. It looked okay. Nothing special, but not shabby either. He went to the kitchen to put the kettle on, and heard sounds from upstairs. Not exactly knowing what to do, he washed their mugs from before and waited by the stove.</p>
<p>“You can borrow some of my clothes,” Lance said as he entered the kitchen. “I wouldn’t want those to get dirty.”</p>
<p>“Thanks,” Keith said, gauging his mood.</p>
<p>Lance joined him at the stove, took a frying pan and butter, and started making breakfast. He didn’t say much, but Keith took it as a good sign he wasn’t acting sullen either. Sometimes their shoulders touched. Keith wondered if he was in the way, but stayed, warming himself up in the heat of the stove.</p>
<p>“Are you cold?” Lance asked.</p>
<p>“A bit,” Keith said. “Water almost boils. Do you want coffee or tea?”</p>
<p>“Coffee,” Lance said. He gestured at a shelf to indicate where Keith could find the coffee tin.</p>
<p>A few minutes later, they both sat at the table, Keith on the bench and Lance on one of the chairs on the opposite side. “I’m not used to having company in the morning,” he said in between two bites.</p>
<p>“I figured,” Keith said. He’d had no plans other than driving to the farm as soon as he got back on Earth, and left it to Lance to fill the day, likely with farm work again. The very thought of getting warm made him want to start right away.</p>
<p>“Still cold?”</p>
<p>“Not used to earthly autumns anymore,” Keith said.</p>
<p>“You’ve been gone for too long,” Lance said, without looking at him.</p>
<p>“Yeah.” <em>So have you.</em></p>
<p>They set to work after breakfast, Keith in an old set of clothes that smelled like Lance. Even during low season there was plenty to do. It made him cautiously happy when he noticed that Lance had added two more cows to his livestock. It told him Lance must have been thinking about how it’s not good to be alone. Not even for a cow.</p>
<p>However, he didn’t push nor ask for anything. He let Lance set the pace, but treasured the tiny steps he’d taken since his last visit. Looking him on the back, he now saw nothing but a normal guy shovelling hay onto the loft in a steady rhythm, and it wouldn’t have surprised him if he’d started singing or whistling. <em>Where did that Lance go? And will he ever be coming back?</em></p>
<p>The day passed in a blink of an eye. All of a sudden, the sky went dark, and with the sun setting, it became cloudy, and a bitter wind came up. “Let’s call it a day,” Lance said, the first words he’d spoken since their lunch. The stables were cleaned, the fresh hay all stacked in the hayloft, the cows milked, the sheep and chickens fed, and a new stretch of wire fence built along the large meadow, behind the line of leafless trees.</p>
<p>Keith was no longer cold, but he did feel his arms, tired and heavy, not used to this kind of work. As he followed Lance to the house, he saw a tiny movement behind the shrubs along the path. “Lance, what’s that?”</p>
<p>“What?”</p>
<p>“Something’s hiding behind... It’s a person!”</p>
<p>“That’s my old friend,” Lance said. “He’s probably scared of you. Leave him be, he’ll come around some other time.”</p>
<p>Keith tried to catch another glimpse of the man. “But... we can’t leave him outside.”</p>
<p>“He’ll go back to his own house.”</p>
<p>“Where’s that?” He couldn’t shake the idea off that the old eyes were following him. It made him uncomfortable.</p>
<p>“Somewhere in the swamp. I’ve been there once or twice.”</p>
<p>“Poor guy,” Keith muttered as the door closed behind him, locking out the chilly wind. “How are the winters here?”</p>
<p>“Cold.”</p>
<p><em>Two men in chosen solitude, both alone in this godforsaken corner of the world... </em>He looked out one of the kitchen windows, trying to catch another glimpse of the man, but he was gone. <em>I wonder what his story is. </em>The other window looked out on the backyard, and only showed a bed of wilted juniberry flowers.</p>
<p>Lance had a small living room where he probably didn’t spend much time, and apart from the couch Keith had slept on, it didn’t have much furniture either. There was however a wood burner, and Lance asked him to light it while he made dinner. He wasn’t sure if Lance meant to be left alone for a while, and dawdled a bit with the wood. Whenever he looked over his shoulder, he saw Lance walking about in the kitchen, noises of pots and boiling water. He didn’t want to ask if he needed help, so after a while he got up and positioned himself in the doorway.</p>
<p>“I’m almost done,” Lance said. He didn’t look in Keith’s direction, and finally Keith understood it was the dark that made him uncomfortable. Hadn’t he told him how the days were fine enough, but the nights were terrible? The nocturnal darkness, seeping through the window, caused a change in Lance so dramatic, that Keith had no choice but to embrace him. “Hey, you all right?”</p>
<p>Lance shook his head. “Glad I’m not alone.” He leaned in to Keith, his chin resting on Keith’s shoulder.</p>
<p>“Let me close the curtains.” He couldn’t make the dark disappear, but he could make it invisible. He, of all people, having spent way too much time alone in a deserted house when he was a kid, was well aware how vast and empty, how <em>hostile </em>the darkness could be when perceived from inside a house. Trees and outbuildings, the entire landscape disappeared, gobbled up by the darkness. The black could be anything – beautiful or terrible. He knew it was only an agonising void for Lance, an unwelcome reminder of the emptiness he felt inside.</p>
<p>Keith set the table, and put a candle in the middle. <em>He really doesn’t have electricity. </em>His heart ached. <em>Why, Lance? Why torture yourself with a frugal life like this? </em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>After dinner, Keith sent Lance to the living room. “You’ve done enough for today. Have some rest. I’ll clean up.”</p>
<p>But it was obvious Lance didn’t want to be alone. He had no wish to leave his company, to be alone with his thoughts. “I work as much as possible,” he said, leaning against the kitchen doorway. “Exhausting myself so I can sleep. I can’t do nothing. If I have nothing to do, the brooding starts. I must <em>do </em>things. As long as I’m busy, I can’t think.”</p>
<p>“How do you cope when no one’s around?” Keith asked, drying the dishes.</p>
<p>“I don’t.” The answer was simple and painful.</p>
<p>Keith put the dishes back on the shelf, and took Lance’s arm, coaxing him out of the kitchen and into the warm, cosy living room, placing him on the couch. “Sit.” He sat down next to him, shoulder to shoulder, waiting for Lance to relax a little. “Is it like this every night?”</p>
<p>“Pretty much, yes.” Not so bad during summer, but in this time of year... yeah.” His voice was soft and weak.</p>
<p><em>At least he’s not afraid to be vulnerable around me.</em> The realisation shook him. <em>Only with me. Not even with his family. His mom knows – she told me herself – but he never showed. She noticed because she knows him best.</em> Naturally, he draped his arm around Lance’s shoulder, pulling him close. “No need to worry now. I’m here.”</p>
<p>Just like the night before, Lance clung to Keith like a baby monkey. Neither spoke a word, and all Keith could do was wait for the tension in Lance’s body to ease off.</p>
<p>“Are you comfortable enough?”</p>
<p>Lance didn’t reply, but pulled his legs onto the couch and changed position, snuggling against Keith’s body. He closed his eyes. Behind them, on the backrest, four mice fell asleep from the warmth of the fire. Keith tried to close his eyes as well, but his mind wouldn’t stop raging. There was too much to process. 24 hours ago he had been in space, and he’d been worried sick about Lance since their last call. And now he was here, Lance dozing off in his arms. It wasn’t the first time they’d fallen asleep together, it had happened a couple of times before, in the lounge room at the Castle of Lions, and only after particularly demanding missions, but that had been involuntarily, and waking up in such a position had always been a reason to cringe (Keith) and mock (Lance) – but this was different. The feeling of being the only person left Lance trusted enough to fall asleep against, was at least confusing. He looked down on him, his face now relaxed, his chest calmly moving up and down with his breaths, and fought the urge to press his lips into his hair.</p>
<p>A scratching sound against the window, caused by the increasing wind, woke Lance up. Keith cursed internally, not only because Lance deserved some undisturbed sleep for a change, but also because of the loss of warmth as soon as Lance moved. “What time is it?”</p>
<p>“Almost eleven,” Keith estimated.</p>
<p>“Time to go to bed,” Lance mumbled drowsily.</p>
<p>“No. You’re not sleeping alone tonight.”</p>
<p>Keith squeezed himself against his friend. “You’re staying here, okay. The room is warm and not too dark, and I’m here too.”</p>
<p>“You don’t have to do this, Keith.”</p>
<p>“I’m here now. I can’t stay forever. Please accept what I can offer you.”</p>
<p>A deep sigh. “Okay.” He turned his back to Keith, who had no idea what to make of that.</p>
<p>“Do I need to lock your front door?”</p>
<p>“No one comes here,” Lance said. He sounded a bit irked.</p>
<p>Keith hesitated for a moment before laying down next to Lance. The blanket kept both of them, and everything else underneath, hidden from the world, including the arm around Lance’s waist. “Comfortable enough?”</p>
<p>“Yeah.” A brief silence. “You?”</p>
<p>“As long as you don’t move I won’t fall off,” Keith said.</p>
<p>To his surprise, Lance immediately turned on his other side. “Better?” He asked as he snuggled against him, face in the curve between Keith’s chin and neck, his breath warm on Keith’s skin. He held Keith as close as he could.</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Keith said, his voice trembling a bit. <em>Lance, why...</em> “Wake me up if something...”</p>
<p>“Keith,” Lance whispered. “I’ll be fine. You’re here. This is the first night I’m not alone.”</p>
<p><em>It’s my first too,</em> Keith thought as he sank his lips into Lance’s hair.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Shiro</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Shiro is happy, but a bit worried about Keith and Lance.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>A short chapter again, but don't worry, this is not gonna be a trend.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>“I haven’t heard from him either,” Pidge said.</p><p>“Do you think he’s still with Lance?”</p><p>“Must be. It’s not like him to disappear without a word.”</p><p>“I recognised the ship,” Shiro said, “or else I wouldn’t even have known he’s back.”</p><p>“Let’s assume he’s with Lance,” Pidge said.</p><p>The door to Shiro’s office opened behind her. “Am I interrupting?”</p><p>“I was just leaving,” Pidge said with a brief, judging look from Shiro to Curtis and back. “He’s all yours.”</p><p>“Am I?” Curtis said after she’d closed the door. He sat down on the corner of Shiro’s desk.</p><p>Shiro smiled. <em>As long as James doesn’t come to claim you.</em></p><p>“What was all the fuss about?”</p><p>“Keith. He’s been back since two days, apparently, but we haven’t heard from him yet.”</p><p>“Busy with other things,” Curtis said nonchalantly.</p><p>“Probably.” <em>He’s still salty about Keith and me being so close.</em> “I’m going to the gym after work. Coming too?”</p><p>“Sure,” Curtis said, brushing his fingers lightly over Shiro’s mechanical arm.</p><p>“I can feel that,” Shiro said.</p><p>“Oh.” Curtis blushed. “...OH!”</p><p>Shiro leaned back in his chair and laughed. “Should I have told you?”</p><p>Curtis shook his head, hiding an embarrassed smile.</p><p> </p><p>After he left, Shiro tried to contact Keith again, and ended up sending him a message instead.<em> "I guess you’re with Lance. I hope he’s okay. Call me if you need me."</em></p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Keith</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Keith is supporting Lance in every possible way, because he wants to see his friend happy again.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em>I’ve got the feeling I’m being watched,</em> Keith thought. He was hammering another fence post into the ground along the main meadow. Lance was digging larger holes behind the line of posts, for the trees he wanted to plant. He’d come up with that plan in the morning, during breakfast. “The animals need shade.” No word about how they had woken up, an intertwined mess of limbs, and Lance’s cheek on Keith’s chest. Keith was the first one to wake up. His neck ached from the awkward position he’d been sleeping in, and it took him a couple of seconds to realise where he was. Everything came back when he realised the weight on his chest was Lance, and he was immediately wide awake. They’d fallen asleep in each other’s arms all right, but this was of a different magnitude. He surely meant to be the one for Lance to lean on, but that didn’t include their bodies pressing against one another like they did now, and rather, their hips, brushing against each other so close he could feel the soft bulge against his crotch. He closed his eyes as he felt a tiny jolt, and then the response of his own body. Lance stirred and moaned as he slowly woke up. <em>I’m asleep. I’m innocent.</em> He clenched his teeth as Lance ground his hips against him, once, twice before being fully awake. The next moment, he flopped onto his back, whispered Keith’s name, and jumped off the couch as soon as Keith asked if it was morning yet.</p>
<p>Keith walked into the kitchen a few minutes later, only to find it empty. He opened the curtains and was able to catch a glimpse of Lance entering the barn, where the mooing of the cows told him they had to be milked before anything else. <em>I know nothing about farming,</em> he thought as he filled the kettle and put it on the stove. He cracked a couple of eggs to stir them for breakfast, and tried to delete every thought of what happened earlier.</p>
<p>The night before had been so different. Lance had nestled into his arms and was, for the first time in ages, able to relax completely, safe in the company of the person who knew and understood him best. Keith had nuzzled his hair as Lance slowly sank down into slumber, his arm growing heavier on Keith’s waist, his fingers twitching as he reached deep sleep. The blanket was thin, but the room was still warm, and a day of hard labour out in the cold, with a solid meal in his stomach, was a certain way to doze off and fall asleep. Nothing was awkward, Lance simply needed someone to be there for him, just like Shiro had needed him so often during their time in space. <em>That’s what you do for a friend. </em></p>
<p>After milking, Lance seemed to have forgotten about earlier, and they had breakfast together.</p>
<p>“We need to bake some new bread today,” Lance said after summing up the plans for the day. “Have you ever baked a bread?”</p>
<p>Keith shook his head. “Who taught you?”</p>
<p>“Hunk, before...” He looked away. “I’m mostly self-sustaining here. I don’t need... My mom brings me canned food when she visits. She still insists I eat vegetables. It’s easier during summer. I grow everything myself.” He looked at Keith. “Will you slaughter a chicken today for us?”</p>
<p>The look in his eyes told Keith he didn’t like killing his animals. <em>Maybe</em>, Keith thought later that day, after picking one of the chickens from the coop and cradling it in his arms on the way to the chopping block, <em>he never kills his animals himself. Maybe he asks his brothers or his dad to do it for him. </em>He could very well imagine why Lance didn’t want to be reminded of death in general. The poor chicken in his arms writhed as if she knew what was going to happen. “I’m sorry,” Keith whispered before lowering the axe. It was the first kill he regretted.</p>
<p>“You have to hang it upside down,” Lance said as he came back from the barn. “To let the blood out.”</p>
<p>And so he did. He reckoned he’d have to pluck the feathers as well.</p>
<p>That was earlier. Now he was keeping himself warm with a sledge hammer, driving the fence posts into the ground, but nevertheless feeling a chill creeping down his spine. He looked over his shoulder to the far end of the meadow, but Lance was too busy. <em>Is it that man again?</em></p>
<p>When driving the next pole into the ground, he thought he saw movement from corner of his eye.</p>
<p>“Don’t be scared,” he said, between two hammer blows. “I’m a friend.”</p>
<p>No one replied, and nothing moved anymore.</p>
<p>When the pole was in the ground, he dropped the hammer and walked up to Lance.</p>
<p>“Seems like your neighbour is lurking around again.”</p>
<p>“He’s okay,” Lance said.</p>
<p>“I think he’s scared of me.”</p>
<p>“He’ll return as soon as you’re gone.”</p>
<p>Keith studied him, red-faced and sweating as he was digging holes for the new trees, and wondered if he meant for him to leave. “Do you want me to go?”</p>
<p>Lance kept digging. “No.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>As he took a break later that afternoon, he discovered he’d received a message from Shiro.</p>
<p>He messaged back: “Yes, I’m with Lance. Sorry I didn’t contact you earlier. This seemed more urgent. Hope you’re fine.”</p>
<p>“More than fine. Can I call you?”</p>
<p>“Sure.” <em>What’s going on? Did he finally get rid of that Curtis guy? </em></p>
<p>The phone rang almost immediately. “Hey, Shiro.” He leaned against the pole he’d just hammered into the ground.</p>
<p>“Keith, how are you? How’s Lance?”</p>
<p>“A tiny bit better, if you ask me.”</p>
<p>“That’s good to hear.”</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>“Something wrong?”</p>
<p>“No...” Whatever the meaning of what happened earlier, he wasn’t ready to share it yet – not even with Shiro. “He’s vulnerable. I’m very careful.”</p>
<p>“Keith...” Shiro had that unique way of saying his name, full of compassion. “If you’re as good to him as you’ve been to me while we were in space, I wouldn’t worry too much, okay?”</p>
<p>“Yeah... thanks, Shiro.”</p>
<p>“Don’t forget to take care of yourself too.”</p>
<p>“I’ll rest after I leave,” Keith said. “And you? You seem to have news for me?”</p>
<p>“Not yet,” Shiro said, carefully but with a voice cheerful enough Keith could guess what it was about.</p>
<p>“I’m happy for you,” Keith smiled. “...as long as it’s not Curtis.”</p>
<p>The silence was too ominous.</p>
<p>“Shiro? You’re kidding me, right?”</p>
<p>“N-no. Keith, don’t get mad at me. We talked. It’s all right now.”</p>
<p>Keith gasped. “Oh - Lance is coming this way. I gotta go. Bye.”</p>
<p>The next post split in two when he hammered it into the ground.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When he looked up, embarrassed for his loss of temper, he saw the scarecrow in the bushes again, glaring at him. He ignored him, still fuming about how Shiro could be so stupid. He didn’t even notice the sun disappearing behind a curtain of thick grey clouds. Every post he drove into the ground symbolised Curtis, and every blow expressed his frustration. Of course he wanted Shiro to be happy again – but not with that man.</p>
<p>He paused for a moment to stretch his back and brush his sweaty bangs from his forehead, and finally noticed the darkened sky, not certain if it was going to storm or simply way later than he thought.</p>
<p>“I’ve seen you before,” a raspy voice said.</p>
<p>He turned around. Lance’s neighbour was indeed a scarecrow, nothing but skin and bones dressed in rags, and a greying beard reaching his chest. His long felted hair was sprinkled with dry leaves. He pinched his eyes. “I know you.”</p>
<p>“I’ve been here before,” Keith said cautiously. “I’m Lance’s friend.”</p>
<p>“Lance’s friend,” the man echoed. “Who are you, Lance’s friend?”</p>
<p>“Keith.”</p>
<p>“Lance’s friend Keith,” the man said. He limped, Keith noticed as he approached, leaning on a branch he used as a stick, one of his feet painfully twisted. “It’s getting dark, Lance’s friend Keith. We’re gonna have a storm tonight. You might want to go into Lance’s safe warm house.”</p>
<p>“And you?” Keith asked. “Do you have anywhere to go when it starts raining?”</p>
<p>“There’s a shack.” He vaguely gestured into the direction of the swamps. “It’s dry.”</p>
<p>“And warm?”</p>
<p>“Warm enough. And dry. There are fishes in the swamp. Catch fishes, eat fishes.” He looked up at the sky. “Now go, Lance’s friend Keith. It’s going to rain soon.”</p>
<p>“Keith!” Lance called from the other side of the meadow, waving at him. “Come, it’s gonna rain.”</p>
<p>“See? Keith’s friend Lance is telling you the same.”</p>
<p>“Do you have a name?”</p>
<p>“Go, you don’t want to get soaked.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Your neighbour is weird,” Keith said as they reached the farmhouse.</p>
<p>“Did you see him again?”</p>
<p>“We chatted a little.” He took his boots off and placed them upside down.</p>
<p>“He’s harmless,” Lance pondered. “Why don’t you take a bath first. I’ll milk the cows in the meantime.”</p>
<p>“I forgot to pluck the chicken,” Keith said. “I’d rather do that before showering.”</p>
<p>“Put your boots back on. You can pluck it in the barn.”</p>
<p>He’d never plucked a chicken before and gagged a bit while he was at it, wondering if he’d be able to eat an animal he’d been looking in the eyes earlier. Afterwards he took it into the kitchen to rinse the blood off, leaving it on the countertop to prepare later. As he walked up the stairs to the bathroom, he briefly peeked into Lance’s bedroom. He wouldn’t notice, would he, with the noise of the rain drumming on the roof. The bed was made tidily, and on the nightstand was a framed photo of him and Allura. The small box he brought from Altea stood next to it. He shivered from the loneliness it all expressed, and still shivered as he filled the bath tub. The house, especially upstairs, was incredibly cold. <em>I should have lit the fire downstairs,</em> he thought, and went back to do so. He heard Lance in the kitchen. “Do you need help?”</p>
<p>“I haven’t started yet. Get yourself clean, you can’t cook when you’re dirty.”</p>
<p>“On it.” He ran up the stairs.</p>
<p>“Don’t use all the hot water,” Lance shouted into the stairwell.</p>
<p>“I won’t,” Keith said, feeling a bit guilty. He should have a shower, but he didn’t even have running water, instead he had a pump and a water heater. <em>I might help him install a shower if he wants to. Anything to make his life a bit more comfortable. I hate to see him suffer like this, living his frugal, secluded life. </em>Of course, Lance lived in paradise compared to his hobo neighbour, but it was nothing compared to what he used to have, or could have had. He scrubbed himself clean and rinsed his hair, finally warm, and tired after working all day. He wondered if he’d fall asleep on the couch again, and had to admit to himself that he wouldn’t mind if Lance did too.</p>
<p>Lance waited downstairs in the doorway, arms crossed and an obscure look on his face.</p>
<p>“Bath’s filling up,” Keith said. “Hurry.”</p>
<p>“Thanks,” Lance said.</p>
<p>He was just done seasoning the chicken, after happily finding out Lance already gutted it, and ready to put it in the oven, when Lance appeared. “Wait,” he said, judging the meat. “You forgot.” He pushed Keith aside with his hip and took a small red container, sprinkling its contents on the chicken. “Chicken tastes best when it’s spicy,” he explained.</p>
<p>In fact, it turned out to be so spicy that Keith needed a drink in order not to choke, but other than that, he couldn’t remember having eaten anything this good lately. He leaned back on his chair, closing his eyes for a moment, and rubbing his stomach.</p>
<p>“Tired?”</p>
<p>“A bit.”</p>
<p>“Let’s go to the other room.” Lance stood up immediately, pulling Keith’s shirt.</p>
<p>“The dishes,” Keith objected.</p>
<p>“Not now.” His voice sounded different. Contrary to the day before, he did lock the front door this time.</p>
<p>Keith sat down on the couch, making himself comfortable as he gave in to the weariness.</p>
<p>“Don’t fall asleep yet,” Lance said. “I want to talk.” He draped himself against Keith’s stomach and stretched his legs on the couch. “I’m glad you’re here,” he said, staring at the ceiling, the wall, the fire, carefully avoiding Keith’s eyes.</p>
<p>Keith gently fondled his hair, because he didn’t know anything else to say or do.</p>
<p>“You care for me,” Lance continued. He inhaled deeply. “Do you understand, Keith? You <em>care</em>.”</p>
<p>“Of course I do,” Keith said. “You’re my friend.”</p>
<p>“That’s not what I mean,” Lance sighed. “I’ve got other friends. Used to have – I don’t want them here. Swamp man is a friend. I’ve got family... it’s different.”</p>
<p>
  <em>What is he talking about?</em>
</p>
<p>“When I lost Allura...” He frowned and closed his eyes for a moment. “Not only her.” His voice caught. “But the future we had together.” Keith expected tears, but he remained composed. “I’d been in love with her for years.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Keith said softly.</p>
<p>“I still love her.” Lance turned his head and looked Keith in the eyes. “That won’t ever go away.”</p>
<p>“Of course not.” He thought of Shiro, who’d probably never stopped loving Adam. “You can move on anyway. She’s a part of you.”</p>
<p>“Is that what you think?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” Keith said carefully. “Loving her has shaped you into who you are. You can’t go back to who you were before meeting her. She’s forever a part of you.”</p>
<p>The rain still drummed on the roof and against the windows. Lance didn’t answer.</p>
<p>“She lives on in you. In your memories, in who you have become.” <em>And that might have been a stupid thing to say, because look what he’s become. A sad hermit. </em></p>
<p>“I’m glad you’re saying that,” Lance said, nevertheless. “I really am.” He wriggled a bit on Keith’s lap, turning his head to be able to look at him. “She’ll never really die as long as I remember her.”</p>
<p>“You’ll never forget her,” Keith said. “She’s as much a part of you as your limbs and your thoughts.”</p>
<p>“Thank you,” Lance said. His hand now caressed Keith’s chest, just like how Keith was still playing with his hair. “I was afraid...” He averted his eyes. “...afraid that I’d forget her, eventually.” He took a deep breath, and it seemed to cost him a lot to force himself to keep looking Keith in the eyes as he continued. “...that I’d forget her when I come to love someone else.” His eyes teared up. “I could never forgive myself if that happened. I don’t want to betray her... to kill her again, by loving someone else.”</p>
<p>“You really shouldn’t worry about the future,” Keith said. “One day, when you’re done grieving, someone comes along who loves you for who you are. All of you. Including that part of you.”</p>
<p>“Someone coming along... wouldn’t that be great,” Lance pondered. He closed his eyes and smiled. “Wouldn’t that be great... Keith.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Shiro</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Shiro and Curtis all lovey dovey</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>“Hey, what’s the matter?” Curtis turned to his side and kissed Shiro on the cheek.</p>
<p>“Nothing,” Shiro tried to smile, but as he looked into Curtis’ eyes he sighed. “Something Keith said. Don’t worry.”</p>
<p>“Did he forget about you? He never skipped you before when visiting Earth, did he?”</p>
<p>“He’s with an old friend,” Shiro said, reluctantly.</p>
<p>“More time for us then,” Curtis smiled.</p>
<p>He left too late, that night, and Shiro knew he’d have a tough day at work tomorrow, probably a headache. Curtis had suggested to stay, but Shiro had gently explained it was a bit too early for that. “You’ve split up with James three days ago.”</p>
<p>“James was a mistake,” Curtis said, as he got out to get dressed. “A necessary mistake.” He balanced on one foot as he got into his pants.</p>
<p>Shiro absentmindedly admired his body. “Everyone is allowed to make mistakes.” He got up and embraced Curtis. “As long as we learn from them.”</p>
<p>“I did,” Curtis said, kissing his neck. “I know now what I really want.”</p>
<p>“Oh, you do?” Shiro chuckled. “Let me guess.”</p>
<p>They kissed for a while.</p>
<p>“Nevertheless,” Curtis said, “I think it’s unfair to say it’s too early. We’ve known each other for ages.”</p>
<p>Shiro’s smile disappeared. “You know what I mean. Give yourself some time. It’s not right to step from one relationship into the next.”</p>
<p>“Let’s not rush things.”</p>
<p>“No. I want this to work between us.” <em>That sounded awfully cheesy. Was that really my voice? </em>He took Curtis’ shoulders and pushed him at an arm’s length, so that he could take a proper look at him. <em>Yes, I think I really want this to work. </em>“Look at you,” he mumbled. “So handsome.”</p>
<p>“And all yours,” Curtis smiled.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Keith</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Keith convinces Lance to take a day off.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The warmth of the wood burner was enough to make them drowsy again. The steady rain did the rest. Lance had stopped talking, after studying Keith’s face for a long time, and Keith had stared back, trying to find words for what he felt. It was as if Lance was waiting for him to speak, while at the same time he felt something went past him, and he had no idea if his silence was good or bad. In the end, Lance had closed his eyes, and snuggled his head in Keith’s lap, lying on his side and apparently fallen asleep. Keith enjoyed his warmth, the weight on his legs, and felt insanely happy that Lance didn’t reject him any longer, and had even opened up to him. Shared his deepest feelings about Allura. He’d hoped for this, but not expected it this soon. Not on his third visit. He looked down on Lance’s sleeping face and was relieved to see something of the old Lance back in his now relaxed features. He lightly touched one of the Altean marks. They looked more vivid, but maybe that was because Lance’s cheeks had more colour too, now that he’d fallen asleep in the warm room.</p><p>Lance however didn’t sleep yet. He smiled as Keith caressed his cheek, and reached to touch Keith’s fingers.</p><p>“I thought you were asleep,” Keith said, retracting his hand.</p><p>“Don’t,” Lance said. “It felt good.”</p><p>Keith still didn’t get it. <em>He hasn’t been touched like that in ages,</em> he thought. “I want to lie down. Are you staying here?”</p><p>“Yes,” Lance said. He got up half to give Keith some room to move, and cuddled up against him as soon as he stretched himself out on the couch.</p><p>“I’ll hold you,” Keith said. “As long as you need me.”</p><p>Lance closed his eyes, pressing his body against Keith’s. “And what if that’s forever?”</p><p> </p><p>Keith woke up on the couch, alone. It was still early in the morning, and dead silent. The rain had stopped. In the wood burner some last embers were glowing. He opened the curtain and rejoiced at the sight of a blue sky. He wondered where Lance had gone, if he’d maybe returned to his own bed. He had to admit he felt more than a bit disappointed when he found himself alone, after what happened last night. He still didn’t completely get it. Of course he’d be there for Lance – forever if that’s what he needed, but he still felt he failed to grasp something crucial. Lance had clung to him as if he was desperate, and Keith had cradled him in his arms because he thought Lance craved physical contact with another person, even though he was obviously no substitute for the one Lance really needed.</p><p>Lance seemed happy enough anyway, and he was glad to be able to do something for him. Seeing something of the old Lance returning was the best thing he could have hoped for. The kiss Lance had placed on his lips right before falling asleep was clearly meant for Allura, and he remembered whispering something sweet against Lance’s half-opened mouth that made his lips turn into a smile.</p><p>Heavy shoes approached the house, then some huffs as Lance took his boots off, and the front door clattered.</p><p>“Sleeping in?” He asked Keith as he peeked into the room.</p><p>“What time is it?”</p><p>“Eight-ish, I think.” He smirked. “I expected breakfast after returning from the animals.”</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Keith said.</p><p>“You were sleeping like an angel. I couldn’t wake you even if I wanted to.”</p><p><em>So he did stay all night,</em> Keith thought. “Do we really need to work on that fence today?” He asked as he sat up.</p><p>“Bored of farm work already?”</p><p>“Not at all. But if you’re okay to continue the fencing tomorrow, I’ve got a better plan for today.”</p><p>“Oh?”</p><p>“Something fun. You can’t just work your way through life, Lance. You should relax from time to time.”</p><p>“It’s a rather quiet month.” Lance seemed to consider the possibilities. “I could skip a day. Thanks to your help I’m getting plenty of work done anyway.”</p><p>“Great.” He got up. “I’m making breakfast. You can relax. I’ll take care of you.”</p><p>Lance smiled. “Forever?”</p><p>“If that’s what you need.”</p><p>Lance showed him an expression he was unable to read.</p><p> </p><p>“What did you have in mind?” Lance said as they walked out the door.</p><p>“I’m taking you for a ride.”</p><p>“With that ancient speeder of yours?”</p><p>“Or we can go on a walk, like an old couple.”</p><p>“I’m too young to be old,” Lance said.</p><p>Keith hopped on his bike, and Lance sat down behind him.</p><p>“Ready?”</p><p>Lance put his arms around Keith’s waist. “Whenever you are.” He leaned his chin on Keith’s shoulder. “Don’t go too fast. I’m not used to it anymore.”</p><p>“So you <em>are</em> old,” Keith said, opening the throttle. Lance yelled as they gained speed, and strengthened his grip on Keith’s waist, but it was a happy scream, and it encouraged him to go even faster. He knew Lance trusted him, and he wanted to make the guy laugh for a change – maybe for the first time in years. He took a sharp turn, aiming for the hills in the distance, away from this depressing swamp, and felt Lance clasp his hips, pushing himself against Keith’s back.</p><p>“You’re insane!” He was thrilled. “InSANE Keith Kogane! Woohoo!”</p><p>His cries made Keith want this to last as long as possible, and as soon as they left the river and the swamps behind them, entering dryer land, he got off the road and aimed right for the hills in front of them, zigzagging around rock formations and trees.</p><p>Lance was out of breath and a bit hoarse when they finally stopped and got off.</p><p>“Have you ever been here before?” Keith asked, looking around at the mountains which were suddenly incredibly close, and to the low lands on the other side.</p><p>“Not this far,” Lance said, couching. “My throat is full of dust.”</p><p>“You shouldn’t have kept your mouth open all the time,” Keith laughed. He handed Lance a bottle of water.</p><p>“Thanks,” Lance said, gulping ferociously, droplets running from his chin. Keith felt like wiping them off. Instead he took his phone, and took some pics of the scenery. “You’re doing it wrong,” Lance said. He grabbed Keith by the shoulder, leaning his head against Keith’s, and made him take a selfie of them both. “Another one,” Lance said after seeing the result. “Look, my left ear isn’t on it.” Keith stretched his arm again, and just before he clicked, Lance turned his head and gave him a peck on the cheek.</p><p>“Lance!”</p><p>And Lance laughed and ran away. Keith went after him, laughing and cursing, unable to give any other meaning to that kiss than a tease. He almost got him, and Lance grabbed the phone from his hand, threatening to take pics of him running and trying to retrieve it, and Keith pretended to be annoyed, but deep inside he was overjoyed to see Lance laughing. There it was again, their bickering. How he’d missed that. Lance teasing him and mocking him, just like in the old days.</p><p>“Give me my phone!”</p><p>“No. Come and get it.”</p><p>“Give it back.”</p><p>“Only if you...”</p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Come here. I’ll show you.”</p><p>“Give it.”</p><p>“No.” He panted a little, and looked around. They’d strayed farther from the speeder than intended. “Where’s your bike?”</p><p>Keith scanned the area. “Up there I guess.” The next moment Lance was behind him, pinching Keith’s sides and making him jump. He laughed as he saw Keith’s face, but finally decided to give him back his phone.</p><p>“But only...”</p><p>“Only what?”</p><p>“Only if I get to take a selfie this time.”</p><p>“Go ahead.”</p><p>“Of us.”</p><p>Keith sighed, he never liked photos, although that first one had been so precious it just had to be taken.</p><p>Lance stood behind him, holding the camera in front of them with both arms, cradling Keith between them. “Smile?”</p><p>“No. Hurry up.”</p><p>“Look at me.”</p><p>Keith turned his head.</p><p>“Don’t look so sulky,” Lance mocked, but his voice trailed off and his eyes suddenly became earnest. Keith frowned a bit, afraid that all this joy had been nothing more than a mask, only temporary before the graveness of his situation would surface again. “Keith...”</p><p>He never saw it coming. The hand cupping his chin, the abruptness of Lance’s kiss. He didn’t hear the click of the camera, overwhelmed by the shock of feeling his lips, slowly parting, and Lance all around him, his tongue pressing his lips apart and gently entering his mouth. In an instant he realised he’d misunderstood all the signals, and his mind was unable to process how everything he ever wanted was happening right now.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Shiro</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Shiro and Curtis' first official date</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Shiro watched the people on the street walking by. He’d been waiting for only five minutes and he already got the jitters. The waitress had tried to make him order something to ease the tension, but he brushed her off. <em>Why am I nervous?</em> It wasn’t as if he hadn’t dated him before. Or the other things they’d done together. He looked around, suddenly self-conscious, wary for someone to see his expression thinking of <em>that.</em> His heart skipped a beat when he saw Curtis approaching, and he waved as he passed the window, smiling like an idiot.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Curtis said, leaning in to kiss him. “Am I late?”</p>
<p>“Nah, I was too early,” Shiro said. He got up to pull the other seat back for his date. “Sit down. I’m so glad you’re here.”</p>
<p>“Shiro,” Curtis said, taking his good hand between his own. “You’re babbling. And your hand is freezing.” He gently rubbed his fingers. “We haven’t seen each other in two days. Is there – perhaps – something you need to tell me?”</p>
<p>Shiro’s face flushed. “Let’s order something first.”</p>
<p>“We don’t want some waitress to interrupt us,” Curtis agreed, pushing his leg between Shiro’s knees, invisible for outsiders, but very enticing to Shiro. He pressed his lips together, feeling very warm already. “Curtis,” he whispered, but Curtis only smiled, never breaking eye contact.</p>
<p><em>He knows what he wants, and he knows I want it too. </em>Even though they’d promised to take it slow. This was their first real date, and all the other times before, and before James, before everything, didn’t really count. He hadn’t been over Adam then, and kept his distance for a reason. Now, he was ready to move on. Curtis had helped him believe there was room for a next phase in life.</p>
<p>The only thing that bothered him, was Keith’s response to the news. <em>Couldn’t he be at least a little happy for me? </em>After all those times he’d helped him get over what happened to Adam (apart from all the other times Keith had rescued him), he’d expect more support for his other choices in life.</p>
<p>“What do you want to order?”</p>
<p>“You choose. I want to see how well you know me.”</p>
<p>Curtis acted surprised. “Okay... let’s see. I guess I’ll pick the biggest meal then. You never seem to care about taste, only about quantity.”</p>
<p>“I don’t care about taste?”</p>
<p>Curtis laughed. “Don’t act so tense, Takashi. I was joking.”</p>
<p>Shiro mirrored his laugh, hiding what he suddenly felt inside. <em>No one has called me Takashi since...</em></p>
<p>“How about something light? This chicken salad?”</p>
<p>“Please, Curtis. I’m not a girl.”</p>
<p>“You certainly aren’t,” Curtis said with a lewd smile. “Smoked trout?”</p>
<p>“I think you need some more time to get to know me,” Shiro pouted. “I’m not really into fish.”</p>
<p>“You had salmon the other time.”</p>
<p>“Salmon is a different story. You can hardly call that fish. It’s swimming haute cuisine.”</p>
<p>“They do have salmon here,” Curtis said, reading the menu. “I’ll order that one for you. I’ll have the girly salad though.”</p>
<p>“Why?”</p>
<p>“It seems delicious. I even wanted to order it for you.” He sounded a bit snappy.</p>
<p>“Curtis... it’s okay.” He brushed his fingers over Curtis’ hand. “No need to be insecure. We’re gonna have enough time to get to know each other’s preferences, okay?”</p>
<p>The incident was tiny and soon forgotten. The salmon was delicious, and apparently Curtis’ salad too, judging from his face when he took the first bite.</p>
<p>“You’re handsome,” Shiro blurted out.</p>
<p>Curtis almost choked.</p>
<p>“You okay?”</p>
<p>“Damn it, Shiro. You can’t just say such things out of nothing.”</p>
<p>“I like you,” Shiro added instead, silencing Curtis for a moment.</p>
<p>“You’re serious,” Curtis said.</p>
<p>“Yes. That’s why I wanted to have lunch here with you. I was going to tell you today, and I didn’t want to do it casually.”</p>
<p>Curtis smiled. “You might be happy to hear that I like you too, Takashi Shirogane. A lot.” It was as if he wanted to say more, and Shiro thought: <em>Please, Curtis. Don’t say that yet. It’s way too early. </em>He wasn’t even sure he loved Curtis already. <em>Love has to grow. It’s starting, but it’s not there yet. </em>Still, the handsome man opposite of him was the single person he wanted to be around all the time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They went back to work together, and Pidge was the one who noticed them holding hands before entering the building. She came to his office right after.</p>
<p>“Heard anything from Keith yet?”</p>
<p>Shiro blushed. Yes, he had indeed, but he didn’t intend to share <em>that</em> with her. “Only briefly. He’s still with Lance. He won’t contact us as long as he’s there.”</p>
<p>“Doesn’t want to upset Lance,” Pidge understood. “So he’s been there a couple of days already?”</p>
<p>“Yes. I think that’s a good sign?”</p>
<p>“I think so.” She pushed her glasses up her nose. “I didn’t really come here for that actually. I mean, I do care about Lance, but I know he’s safe with Keith... did I just see you walking hand in hand with Curtis?”</p>
<p>“Oof.”</p>
<p>“So... you’re moving on?”</p>
<p>“It’s about time, isn’t it?” He hated how insecure he sounded. He did want to be with Curtis, right? He was starting to fall in love with him and he... that’s something he’d never tell anyone, not even Keith. Yesterday evening, before officially confessing to Curtis, he’d been crying on the edge of his bed with a photo of Adam in his hands, asking for forgiveness. “<em>I want to move on, Adam</em>,” he’d whispered. “<em>I like him. He’s not you, but he’s good enough, and I’m happy when he’s around.</em>”</p>
<p>“If you’re happy, I’m happy,” Pidge said.</p>
<p>She knew. She always knew when something was off. Those eyes behind glasses noticed everything. “Okay, tell me what I fail to see.”</p>
<p>“I don’t know.” She pinched her eyes. “Can’t get my finger behind it.”</p>
<p>“Do you think he’s not right for me? He feels right?”</p>
<p>“Feels... Shiro, spare me the details. It’s not about Curtis. I’m sure he’s an okay guy. There’s something else.”</p>
<p>“Keith.”</p>
<p>“What about him?”</p>
<p>“He doesn’t like Curtis. I don’t know why.” <em>I know exactly why, but Keith is not me and I’m perfectly capable of choosing my own partner. </em></p>
<p>“Better get that off the table before things start getting official then,” Pidge said.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Keith</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Lance and Keith, continued</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I feel embarrassed, because there is smut.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kissing Lance was more than he’d ever imagined it to be. It was not a confession, nor was it a dream come true. It was something much more important: it was a sign that Lance had finally found himself able to move on. Keith was oblivious of how much he’d contributed to that shift in Lance, and, until that moment, totally unaware that Lance even considered guys. His first clear thought, when he was finally able to think, after getting out of breath at first, moaning into Lance, giving in to the primal urge of devouring him, kissing almost violently as only someone starved of touch can kiss, tugging his clothes, his hair, and most of all, feeling overwhelmed by all those sensations in his body, not just his lips, but everywhere, also where Lance didn’t touch him, his entire body electrically charged – his first thought after all that sank in, was: <em>You’re back.</em></p>
<p>He had no idea how long their first kiss lasted, but it seemed that the sun had moved a hand’s width across the sky when they finally managed to let go of each other, both with flushed cheeks, panting and slightly embarrassed.</p>
<p>Then, Lance cupped Keith’s face with both hands and kissed him again, but more tender this time, now that the first thirst was quenched. Keith, whose hands rested on Lance’s hips, accepted the new kisses hungrily, aching for more now that the dam had been broken, and his hands slid up and down Lance’s back as he pressed himself against his body.</p>
<p>“Keith,” Lance mumbled in between kisses, only to be answered with a longing moan. He forced himself to step back. “Let’s go home.”</p>
<p>He was right, of course. Keith instinctively knew what he meant. It was a sunny day, but it was late autumn, and the wind was chilly, and the ground was way too hard to lie down on...</p>
<p>Lance’s arms around him as they drove back, navigating dangerously fast along trees and curves, were warm and claiming. <em>Mine</em>, those arms said, and Keith wanted those hands lower than his waist, wanted them all over his body. On a long stretch of road, Lance’s hands slipped under his fluttering shirt, intentionally or not, and touched the skin of his stomach. He moaned and for a second found it hard to concentrate on the road.</p>
<p>They rushed into the house, kissing heavily in the hallway, grinding each other against the wall, until finally they reached the door to the living room – stone cold. Keith didn’t know where he got the discipline to tug himself away from Lance for moment, and lit a fire. He shivered as he felt a hand on his back. He looked up, and they resumed making out, on their knees on the floor, slowly moving to the couch, until Lance lay on his back, pulling Keith down on him.</p>
<p>Lance’s hands were still cold as they slid underneath Keith’s shirt, pulling it up, revealing his pale skin, his chest, and the nipples Lance seemed to be craving for. His licks were simultaneously warm and cold, and Keith couldn’t help moaning and grinding as Lance continued, tugging his hair, and calling his name.</p>
<p>Lance looked up, his hair a mess and his face yearning, unlike anything Keith had ever seen him before, but at the same time everything he used to be; the old Lance, returned from the void where he’d been hiding. Keith pushed his hips into Lance and aimed for his mouth, consuming him like the wild animal he was. Two hands grabbed his butt, while his own fumbled with the button on Lance’s jeans.</p>
<p>“Aah,” was all Lance could utter when he took him in his hand, while his other hand tried to unbutton his own jeans, and then there were two more hands, touching him impatiently while performing the intimate act of unzipping another man’s jeans. Lance pulled his pants down, squeezed his butt, while Keith rubbed their dicks together. He bent over to kiss Lance, leaning on one hand, the other one jerking them both. It was as if everything came together at that point, as if the centre of the universe was right there, in his hand, and he briefly closed his eyes as they started blurring, and Lance started moaning and begging, kissing him so passionately that they tasted blood. He was panting in the rhythm of Keith’s hand, unable to bring out more than cries and moans, but right before his semen spurted onto his shirt and over Keith’s hand, he yelled Keith’s name, from the top of his lungs. That was all Keith needed. His breath caught as he came, but afterwards, as he fell down on Lance’s chest, he whispered his name, again and again.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Shiro</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The more Shiro's relationship with Curtis deepens, the more of a mess his life becomes.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They’d spent the entire weekend in Curtis’ bed and couldn’t get enough of each other. A bit sore in certain regions perhaps, but the right amounts of lube and tenderness were able to solve such minor inconveniences. Holding Curtis in his arms, before, during or after (and the entire weekend seemed to consist of before, during and after) soothed all the doubts he’d ever had about him. <em>I like him so much.</em> It was not exactly the same as falling in love, with the whole butterflies stuff, but it was more than he could have hoped for, after everything that happened in the previous years. He was but a shadow of who he used to be – not even living in the same body, technically, and that very body wasn’t complete either (although Curtis was very open-minded to the many possibilities of his artificial arm, especially the fingers, so that wasn’t really a thing to be concerned about), a broken man, the pieces glued together perhaps but the cracks still visible. The man taken prisoner on Kerberos was definitely not the same person as the one who was laying here in bed with Curtis, and the fact that Curtis never made a problem of his flaws only spoke to his advantage.</p>
<p>They didn’t see any reason to keep their tender new relationship hidden from the world, especially the Galaxy Garrison, and on Monday morning they walked hand in hand into the building. Iverson immediately called them to his office and told them to keep private matters away from work. When Curtis asked if he was fine with anything else, Iverson said he wasn’t the kind of person to object against people’s personal choices. He too had changed.</p>
<p>“He’s dating that woman from accounting,” Curtis whispered in Shiro’s ear as they walked the corridor to the classroom where Shiro would be teaching that day.</p>
<p>“Lisa? He’s had a crush on her for years,” Shiro said.</p>
<p>“She said yes a while ago. She told me herself.” He chuckled. “She also asked me not to tell anyone.”</p>
<p>“So you decided to tell me.”</p>
<p>“I’m not good at keeping secrets,” he said, squeezing his favourite part of Shiro.</p>
<p>Shiro found out how true that was later that day, when people started randomly congratulating him on his new relationship. He sighed. That was an aspect of Curtis he’d probably never get used to.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“Do you want to eat out tonight?”</p>
<p><em>Can’t I be alone for one night? Please? </em>“Hey, we were gonna take it slow, remember?”</p>
<p>“Life is boring without you,” Curtis said.</p>
<p>“How boring your life must have been those three decades before you knew me,” Shiro said, nuzzling his face into Curtis’ neck. He always smelled so good.</p>
<p>“I was barely alive,” Curtis sighed dramatically. “Until I met you.”</p>
<p>“Doesn’t that sound terribly cheesy?”</p>
<p>“Yes.” Curtis laughed. “I’ll waste my time at the gym then.”</p>
<p>“Gonna make that body of yours even more perfect?”</p>
<p>“Anything for you, babe.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>I’m gonna have to make clear that it’s not about him,</em> Shiro thought on his way to his apartment. <em>I just need to be alone from time to time. </em>He firmly suppressed the thought that followed: <em>One day we’re gonna be living together. Share a home. </em>It was too early to think about such things. <em>We’re taking it slow, right?</em> He had to remind himself of it as well.</p>
<p>Spending a lazy night on the sofa, watching a documentary about big cats in mountainous regions, was nice for a change. He fell asleep before he knew it.</p>
<p>When he woke up, it was way past midnight, and his phone buzzed. <em>Curtis, what did I tell you,</em> was his first thought, but then he saw Keith’s name and he immediately swiped the green icon. “Keith?”</p>
<p>“Shiro – are you alone?”</p>
<p>“Yes. I’m home. What’s the matter?”</p>
<p>“Nothing. I... Everything is fine. I wanted you to know. Lance is okay. I’m... we’re okay.”</p>
<p>“Thanks for letting me know,” Shiro said, still a bit drowsy. “But why are you calling me at this hour?”</p>
<p>“He’s asleep,” Keith said. “I don’t want him to know.”</p>
<p>“Okay.”</p>
<p>“Shiro... about the other day... I’m sorry I hung up on you.”</p>
<p>“I know you don’t like him.”</p>
<p>“That’s not the point. I told him to stay away from you but instead he’s got closer than ever.”</p>
<p>“You told him...?” He sat up, equally irritated and surprised. “When? When did you speak with him?”</p>
<p>“Months ago. You weren’t ready for a new relationship and he was way too pushy. I told him to back off.”</p>
<p>“Keith... I don’t know what to say. You have no right to interfere with whom I – “</p>
<p>“Remember how I once said I’d rescue you as many times as it takes?”</p>
<p>“You don’t have to <em>rescue</em> me from Curtis. I love him.”</p>
<p>Keith made a noise that sounded like gagging. “I’m so disappointed in you, Shiro. I... I think I don’t want to see you for a while.”</p>
<p>“You’re serious about this, aren’t you?” He rubbed his temple. The last thing he wanted was a feud between his best friend and his new lover. “Let me think about this, Keith. I’m sure we’ll find our way around it.”</p>
<p>“Ask yourself this: are you able to talk about Adam with him? About what he meant to you? Your grief? The hole in your heart he’s left behind? How loving another person feels like betrayal?”</p>
<p>That was a blow in the stomach, but Shiro endured it bravely, because he understood this was as much about Lance as it was about himself. “I’ll think about what you just told me,” he said, as calm as he could manage. “Because I know you care about me more than anyone else, and I value your words.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He searched for Pidge the next morning, and found her in one of the labs with her father.</p>
<p>“Pidge, do you have time to have lunch with me today? At Hunk’s?”</p>
<p>“Sure.”</p>
<p>Hunk was excited to see them again. “If only Lance and Keith could be here too,” he said after bear-hugging them both.</p>
<p>“That’s what I was going to tell you guys,” Shiro said. “Keith has been staying with Lance for the past couple of days and he called me yesterday to say Lance is making progress.”</p>
<p>“Wait – he’s with Lance <em>right</em> <em>now</em>?” Hunk said.</p>
<p>“I’m so glad to hear he’s doing better,” Pidge said, and both looked at each other and laughed.</p>
<p>“I didn’t even know he was back on Earth,” Hunk said. “He usually calls...”</p>
<p>“We haven’t seen him either. He’s only been with Lance since he’s back.”</p>
<p>“They’ve been in touch earlier,” Pidge said. “I accidentally noticed a signal from Lance when I wanted to call my brother. I have no idea what’s going on between those two, but Keith returned to Earth a couple of days later and went straight to see Lance.”</p>
<p>“We haven’t told you everything,” Shiro said. “Pidge, I might not even have told you everything.”</p>
<p>They sat down, all three of them suddenly grave. “Keith told me earlier how Lance was in bad condition. Mentally.”</p>
<p>“<em>Very</em> bad,” Pidge emphasised.</p>
<p>“Oh my God,” Hunk whispered.</p>
<p>“But somehow Keith...” And then he was unable to speak further. Something inside him blocked, and images of himself and Lance, of Adam and Allura, merged into each other.</p>
<p>“Hey, Shiro!” Hunk and Pidge were shaking his shoulders, Pidge crouched down in front of his chair. “Hey, what happened? You were out for a moment.”</p>
<p>“I was not,” he mumbled. “I was here all the time.”</p>
<p>“Are you dizzy?”</p>
<p>“What happened, Shiro? Shiro!”</p>
<p>“Shiro!” He heard Keith’s voice calling his name, again and again. Keith always found him. Always rescued him. <em>As many times as it takes.</em> He shook his head, gasping for air. “I’m fine, guys. Memories...”</p>
<p>“Your PTSD again?” Pidge still looked concerned. “Do you still take the medication?”</p>
<p>“No... that was ages ago. I have no idea where this came from.” His hands were still a bit shaky, but he felt okay enough. “Thanks... what were we talking about?”</p>
<p>“Lance,” Hunk said. “Damn, Shiro, you scared us for a second. I thought you were having an episode or something.”</p>
<p>“I’m fine, really.” He didn’t lie. “You said we were talking about Lance?”</p>
<p>“Yes, and you were telling how Keith...” She hesitated, as if his name would cause another episode. “I think you were gonna tell how Keith managed to help Lance move on.”</p>
<p>Shiro gazed at the floor. Keith, who also helped him move on – straight into the arms of someone he loathed. And who was now mad at him, for doing exactly that. <em>Keith... I don’t want to lose you. But I love Curtis. I’m happy again. I can’t break up with him because of you.</em></p>
<p>“Shiro? Something happened between you and Keith? Is that why he hasn’t come over yet?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know. I...”</p>
<p>“Come on, Shiro,” Hunk said. “You two were always so close. What happened?”</p>
<p>“He doesn’t like Curtis,” Shiro finally said. “He... he thinks I’m not ready for a new relationship. He even told Curtis to stay away from me. He’s so overprotective... I don’t want to have to choose between them.”</p>
<p>“You don’t have to,” Hunk said. “Keith can spend time with you whenever he’s on Earth, and Curtis can have the other 360 days of the year, right?”</p>
<p>“Not funny, Hunk,” Pidge warned. “Shiro, you have to talk to him.”</p>
<p>“We already did. He gave me something to think about. I’ll have to sort it out for myself first.”</p>
<p>“You think we are having a chance to catch up with him this time?”</p>
<p>“I don’t know. Seems like he intends to stay with Lance until he has to return to the Blades.”</p>
<p>“That’s nothing like Keith,” Pidge said. “You really pissed him off, Shiro.”</p>
<p>“Hey,” Hunk said. “I don’t really know Curtis. Is he okay? Can’t you take him out for dinner here some day? I’d like to get to know him.” What he meant was: I hear you, but I’m not going to judge until I’ve made up my own mind. Shiro loved him for that.</p>
<p>“Thanks, Hunk. I will.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He spent two more nights without Curtis before he found himself mentally prepared for the question he wanted to ask. “I want you to come over to my place tonight,” he said during their lunch.</p>
<p>Curtis smiled, tilting his head. “You look cute when you’re watching me.”</p>
<p>Shiro’s fist clenched. “Don’t expect too much of it, Curtis. I... I need to talk with you.”</p>
<p>“You look so serious all of a sudden. I’m sure it’s nothing we can’t work out together, right?”</p>
<p><em>I hope so.</em> “Yeah.”</p>
<p>“We both want to make this work,” Curtis reassured him.</p>
<p><em>We do,</em> Shiro thought. <em>But why does it take so much effort? Why doesn’t it work naturally?</em> He winced.<em> I must stop comparing him to... everyone else. </em>He’d never had a problem communicating with Adam. With Keith. The paladins. Even with most people from other planets. <em>Except Slav.</em> He tried to unthink that thought. <em>Curtis is nothing like Slav. </em></p>
<p>That night they cooked dinner together in Shiro’s kitchen, and Shiro found himself able to relax a little. It bothered him that he hadn’t heard from Keith, but he was able to set that aside as soon as Curtis turned the radio on and started singing loudly and extremely out of tune, swaying his hips while cutting a bell pepper. He seemed oblivious of his lack of talent, which made Shiro laugh, and Curtis took that as encouragement, and dropped the knife and started dancing with him.</p>
<p>“I love to see you laugh,” he whispered in Shiro’s ear. “You’re handsome when you laugh.”</p>
<p>“You should sing more often then,” Shiro answered. “I’ve never heard anyone worse than you.”</p>
<p>“You’re kidding, right?”</p>
<p>“Curtis, loud is not the same as <em>good</em>.” The look on Curtis’ face made him burst into laughter. “You’re making me happy,” he said.</p>
<p>“I’m happy when you’re happy,” Curtis said. “So... no more singing?”</p>
<p>“Sing whenever you want. I love it.”</p>
<p>They sat down on the sofa afterwards, snuggling against each other.</p>
<p>“No TV?”</p>
<p>“No TV,” Shiro said. He took a deep breath. “I need to talk with you.”</p>
<p>“You’re not planning to ruin a perfect night, are you?”</p>
<p>“No,” Shiro quickly said. <em>What is he thinking? That I want to break up or something?</em> “No, it’s nothing like that. I...” he’d been thinking about it for hours, and still didn’t know how to word his feelings. “How serious are you about me, Curtis?”</p>
<p>“One hundred percent,” Curtis said. “Did I ever give you any reason to doubt that?”</p>
<p>“No... but there are things we’ve never talked about, and I want to do that now, before we’re too committed to each other.” He meant to say: I’m handing you a way out in case you’re unable to deal with this.</p>
<p>“I don’t think there’s anything that can change my feelings about you,” Curtis said, briefly touching his chest.</p>
<p>“You know I have a past,” Shiro started, and when Curtis didn’t answer, he continued: “I need to know if you’re able to live with my past.”</p>
<p>“You have a dead ex, and you’ve been a space warrior. Which one do you mean?”</p>
<p><em>He still doesn’t take it seriously. </em>“Both. And a load of other things.”</p>
<p>“I said before that I want all of you,” Curtis said. “The good and the bad... although I don’t think there are many bad things about you.”</p>
<p>“I used to have PTSD,” Shiro said. “Paralysing panic attacks. They still happen now and then. Would you be able to cope with that?”</p>
<p>“Hey...” Curtis sat up. “Of course. I’ll hold you whenever you need it. Just don’t push me away when something like that happens, okay?”</p>
<p>A sigh of relief. “Thanks,” he said softly. “I really needed to hear that.”</p>
<p>“Okay, that’s settled then,” Curtis said, lowering his hand.</p>
<p>Shiro stopped him, placing his hand over Curtis’. “Wait – there’s more.”</p>
<p>“Whatever it is, it can’t be as bad as panic attacks.”</p>
<p>“Curtis, listen to me. I need to know if you’re able to deal with all this. I don’t want to get the feeling I have to hold in in front of you. I need to feel safe around you.”</p>
<p>“Safe,” Curtis mumbled. “You <em>are</em> safe, Shiro. I don’t know what happened to you during past relationships, but I will never harm you.”</p>
<p><em>That’s not what I was talking about. At all.</em> “I need to know if you’re able to cope with my ugly side. My anger, my fear, my grief. I can’t live with someone who’s not strong enough to carry me from time to time.”</p>
<p>Curtis didn’t answer, and stared at the wall.</p>
<p>“...Curtis?”</p>
<p>He still didn’t say a word.</p>
<p>“I... forgive me, but sometimes I feel like you’re not grasping the gravity of it all. Being with me can’t all be fun and happiness.”</p>
<p>“I do not agree,” Curtis said. “I can make you happy. I will make it my life purpose to make you happy. To forget all the things that made you sad and angry and scared.” He was still glaringg at the wall, as if there was something on it that he was talking to. “Don’t you see, Shiro? I’ve been in love with you for years, do you really think I’d ruin what we have together? I’d hate myself if I messed up things between us. If you need to feel safe and secure, I’ll make sure I’m here for you.”</p>
<p>Shiro teared up on those words, because they summed up exactly what he needed to hear. “Thank you,” he whispered.</p>
<p>“But there’s one thing, Shiro... One thing that’s bothered me from the beginning. I need you to be honest with me. I’m willing to do everything for you... how much are you willing to do for me in return?”</p>
<p><em>That’s not how love works</em>, Shiro thought, but maybe he was spoiled by Adam and Keith, who had always been there for him without asking anything in return. “Just say what you have to say.”</p>
<p>“You’re still keeping that photo of your... of Adam.”</p>
<p><em>Don’t say you want me to put it away... please.</em> “So?”</p>
<p>“How much does he still mean to you?”</p>
<p>Shiro closed his eyes, because this was exactly what he meant earlier. He had to know if Curtis was able to deal with that aspect of his past. “A lot.” He took Curtis’ hand between both of his own. “He’s not my ex, I told you that before. We didn’t break up. We were getting through a rough period when I left for Kerberos, and when I came back, years later, he was dead. I can’t deny him. He’s been a part of my life and my thoughts... and he’ll probably always be.”</p>
<p>“I want to make you forget him. Everything you had with him.”</p>
<p>“Curtis, I can never forget him. He’s a part of my past, so he’s a part of me.” He swallowed. “If you can’t live with that, I see no future between us.” His hands, still holding Curtis’ hand, were trembling.</p>
<p>Curtis took a long time to answer. “I’ll have to accept that,” he finally said. “But please, put that photo somewhere else. I feel he’s looking at me, judging me... I feel uncomfortable kissing you and making love to you while he’s watching us.”</p>
<p>Shiro pursed his lips. “All right. I can live with that. I’ll find another place for the picture.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Later that night, after Curtis had left, he took the picture from the dresser. <em>I’m sorry, Adam. I have to move on.</em> He kissed the photo, then pressed it against his chest. And then he cried. An unstoppable flow of tears weakened his body, forcing him to fall down on his knees, cradling the photo. He howled like a wolf, swinging back and forth in agony. If moving on with Curtis was what he wanted, why did this feel so terribly, terribly wrong?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Keith</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Keith, back in space, learns something about Curtis that Shiro has to know.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>The first thing he did was landing on the wrong planet. He expected to find his mother there, but the locals told him the Blades of Marmora had left more than a week ago. When he finally found her, she turned out to be busy, as were the others, and there was no opportunity to talk with her. He felt restless, bottling up his feelings, but there was no way he was going to share this with anyone else. Kolivan certainly noticed something, but he didn’t ask, and Matt was innocently oblivious, which he’d preferred to keep that way.</p>
<p>However, Matt turned out to be the first one to have some free time to spend with him, which was during supper that night, and of course he asked how it had been on Earth. Keith saw no other option than to tell him the truth. “I stayed with Lance.”</p>
<p>“How is he?”</p>
<p>“Improving.” He realised he shouldn’t give one word answers since Matt was only being kind and interested, and emphasised: “He’s really doing better. Even saw him smile from time to time.”</p>
<p>“That’s good to hear,” Matt said. “And the others? How are my parents, and my sister?”</p>
<p>“I... I haven’t seen them. I went straight to Lance and...”</p>
<p>“Oh?”</p>
<p>This needed an explanation. “He called me a couple of days before I went to Earth. He wasn’t okay and asked me to come as soon as possible.”</p>
<p>“I don’t blame you for forgetting the others,” Matt said. “He probably needed you the most.”</p>
<p>“I should have at least dropped by with Shiro,” Keith confessed. He still felt bad about leaving before seeing his closest friend. “But he...” It felt stupid saying it out loud.</p>
<p>“He what?”</p>
<p>“He’s with Curtis now. I don’t like that guy.”</p>
<p>“I don’t like him either,” Matt said. “James II, we used to call him. Arrogant prick.”</p>
<p>“He did have a thing with James before,” Keith remembered.</p>
<p>“A match made in heaven,” Matt sneered. “Those two are made for each other.”</p>
<p>“I wonder why they broke up then.”</p>
<p>“Too many bloated egos in one relationship, probably.”</p>
<p>“I don’t know him as well as you do,” Keith said cautiously, not willing to fall in the trap of gossip, “but even if all that is a lie, I’m concerned about Shiro. I think he’s still not over Adam.”</p>
<p>“Poor guy has had too much on his plate the past few years,” Matt said. “And talking about Adam, did you know he and Curtis have been dating?”</p>
<p>“What!? Curtis and Adam? When was that?”</p>
<p>Matt thought, watching the ceiling, his finger pressed against his chin. “After my father returned,” he said.</p>
<p>The implications hit him like a rock. <em>After Adam found out Shiro was still alive.</em> “How could he?” he said, not realising he was talking out loud. His whole image of Adam shifted, the person he’d been almost as close with as with Shiro, the one who jokingly called him their adopted child whenever he spent his weekends with them... thát Adam started dating someone else when finding out his fiancé was still alive? He got up. “I’m sorry Matt, I have to process this.”</p>
<p>“Keith,” Matt said, trying to stop him.</p>
<p>“Alone,” Keith emphasised.</p>
<p>His mother found him curled up in his bunk.</p>
<p>“Hey, since when are you back?”</p>
<p>“Earlier today.”</p>
<p>“Matt told me you’re upset.”</p>
<p>He was, but he was also ecstatic, and he found it hard to hide both. “He told me something about Shiro’s boyfriend.”</p>
<p>“Which one? The one who died? Or has he found someone new?”</p>
<p>“...both, actually.”</p>
<p>“I think I need some explanation.”</p>
<p>“Adam and Shiro’s new boyfriend had a <em>thing</em>, apparently.”</p>
<p>She took a moment to let that sink in. “Do you think you should tell Shiro?”</p>
<p>“I guess. I don’t know.”</p>
<p>“Shiro is old enough to judge for himself. He probably knows.”</p>
<p>“But what if he doesn’t?”</p>
<p>“Think carefully before messing up someone else’s relationship,” Krolia warned. “You can’t do anything about it from here. Who knows how long before you’re back on Earth again.”</p>
<p>That was the other thing he meant to talk about. “I need to spend more time on Earth.”</p>
<p>“Why?”</p>
<p>“Lance. He...”</p>
<p>“You’ve been seeing him again?”</p>
<p><em>Not just seeing. Much more than that.</em> His cheeks flushed a little. “I haven’t even met with the others.”</p>
<p>She just looked at him, her face neutral, but her eyes softened.</p>
<p>“I... would you... mom...” He turned his head away. “I’ve never been in love before.”</p>
<p>She smiled, and briefly touched him. “Keith... let me give you one advice. Don’t push things. Especially not with Lance. He’s vulnerable.”</p>
<p>“You know, don’t you? What it feels like. You lost dad twice. Once when you left Earth, and again when you found me, and discovered he was dead.”</p>
<p>“I never stopped loving him, if that’s what you’re asking.”</p>
<p>“But you love Kolivan too. How?”</p>
<p>“One doesn’t exclude the other. I think I’m very lucky to have loved twice in this life.” Krolia was good at wording complex thoughts. “Do you think he loves you back?”</p>
<p>“Yes.”</p>
<p>“Your eyes are glowing,” she said, smiling, and she ruffled his hair. “I love you. Promise me not to push him. Let him set the pace.”</p>
<p>Oh, he’d done that all right. After giving in to their feelings, Lance was the one who initiated every next step, and sometimes Keith had found it hard to keep up with him. It felt like rain in a desert, food after famine. He was totally unprepared, and loved every single aspect of being so intimate with another person, with <em>Lance</em>. Not just physically, but also the long conversations afterwards, their walks under the stars, even the moments when Lance had started sobbing uncontrollably and Keith could only hold him – and those had been frequent. He’d never been this close with anyone before, and when he finally had to leave, he promised to be back within weeks. He’d thought it out in his head on his way through space, how he’d set up a permanent post for the Blades Charity on Earth, and be the one who manned it.</p>
<p>“I won’t push him,” Keith said, red up to his ears.</p>
<p>“I’m happy for you. He’s the right person for you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He’d never been in space so briefly. Less than a fortnight later, he returned, together with Matt. They were going to man the post together – this was a suggestion by Kolivan, which both eagerly agreed with.</p>
<p>“Can’t wait to see my family again,” Matt said. “And my dog.”</p>
<p>Keith hadn’t told Matt about Lance, it was too new, too precious to share with anyone less close than his mother. Shiro perhaps? No, not even him. Feeling a bit guilty for not meeting with Shiro last time, he decided to send him a message.</p>
<p>“Can I see you in 3 hours and 42 minutes?” he messaged.</p>
<p>“You’re on your way to Earth? Great! I’ll be there. :)”</p>
<p>That smiley was very unlike Shiro, so he reckoned he was still very lovey dovey with Curtis, which tempered his enthusiasm to see him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Shiro was sensible enough to appear alone on the landing dock. Pidge came running too, but that was for her brother, not for Keith. She pressed the air out of him and lifted him off the ground. “I’m SO glad you’re back!”</p>
<p>Shiro and Keith walked up to each other without the enthusiasm they usually showed when seeing each other again. Shiro stopped at an arm’s length in front of Keith. “So... you’re back.”</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>“You’re mad at me.”</p>
<p>“I need to talk to you.”</p>
<p>“Now?”</p>
<p>“As soon as possible.”</p>
<p>“I’ll skip lunch with...” He scratched the back of his head. “You know.”</p>
<p>“Please, do. It’s important.”</p>
<p>“Okay. See you in an hour.”</p>
<p>Keith said hello to Pidge and her parents, and took a quick shower at the Garrison Gym, putting something comfortable on. He was ready in time to wander around a bit, and felt tense as he discovered Curtis in one of the offices, working on his computer. He sped away before he could notice him, and ran into Shiro.</p>
<p>“Let’s go to Hunk’s restaurant,” Shiro said.</p>
<p>“Yeah, that’s actually a good idea.” <em>I don’t want to talk about your boyfriends in front of all your co-workers. </em>It also gave him the opportunity to catch up with Hunk while he was there. <em>I tend to forget about the other paladins, and that’s bad. They’re my friends too.</em></p>
<p>“Keith!” Hunk came running from the kitchen and crushed Keith in his arms. “I haven’t seen you in ages! You look happy. Are you happy?”</p>
<p>“Yes,” he couldn’t help smiling. Hunk was Hunk, nothing but kindness. <em>I failed him too. I failed them all. But they’ll understand once I tell them why.</em></p>
<p>Hunk guided them to one of the tables at the window, and leaned his hands on the tabletop. “Look guys, I know you’re gonna catch up together, but... I’ve been thinking... I don’t see any of you very often. How about a group chat?”</p>
<p>“Why didn’t I ever think of that myself?” Shiro said. “Keith?”</p>
<p>He nodded. That was exactly what he needed, and it could solve another problem as well. “Yes. Add Pidge too for us.”</p>
<p>“Not Coran? The Holts?”</p>
<p>“No,” Keith insisted. “Just us. The paladins.” He deliberately left something unsaid, and hoped Shiro and Hunk understood. By their expressions, they did. <em>Good. </em></p>
<p>“Okay,” Hunk said. “Exactly my thought. I’ll create the group right away.”</p>
<p>“Thanks, Hunk,” Shiro said.</p>
<p>“Don’t look on the menu,” Hunk said as he returned to the kitchen. “You’re getting something special today.”</p>
<p>They waited until Hunk had personally brought them their food, and smiled as they discovered a familiar dish from their time as paladins.</p>
<p>“He shouldn’t have,” Shiro said.</p>
<p>“He’s the nicest guy I know,” Keith said.</p>
<p>They took a few bites, as if each of them was afraid to begin the conversation, but in the end, it was Shiro who spoke first. “Keith, don’t keep me hanging. What’s the matter?”</p>
<p>“I hate to have to tell you this,” Keith said. “And I hope you already knew.”</p>
<p>Shiro put his fork on the table. “What is it, Keith?”</p>
<p>“Curtis.”</p>
<p>“I know you don’t like him.” Shiro immediately got defensive. “Please, stop. I’m not breaking up with him because <em>you</em> don’t like him.”</p>
<p>“You’re sure you want to spend the rest of your life with that man?”</p>
<p>“It’s a bit early for that,” Shiro said, “but I can imagine that happening.”</p>
<p>Keith sighed. “I truly hope you know what you’re doing.”</p>
<p>“For God’s sake Keith, tell me. I don’t know what’s the matter with you. I’ve never seen you like this.”</p>
<p>“Shiro... Curtis and Adam... they knew each other, right?”</p>
<p>“Yes, of course. Curtis was one of the operators, why?”</p>
<p>“I hope you know they’ve been dating?”</p>
<p>Shiro’s mouth fell open. “He never... but... the photo... Adam... Adam and... <em>Curtis?</em>” He looked very pale. “Keith, I don’t want to believe it. Where did you hear this? Who told you?”</p>
<p>“Matt.” <em>It’s not some gossip I overheard, if that’s what you hoped.</em></p>
<p>“But I’m sure... Adam thought I was dead. I can’t blame him. He thought I was dead and...”</p>
<p>“No, Shiro. I’m so sorry you have to hear this from me, but they started dating <em>after</em> Sam Holt returned to Earth.”</p>
<p>Shiro pushed his plate away. “I can’t believe... God, Keith... he never told me. Never. I’ve been honest about everything. <em>Everything. </em>You know when you were so mad at me? All those things you told me that time, I’ve shared with Curtis. And he was <em>so </em>supportive. All he wanted was... and then he asked for just one thing in return... oh my God.”</p>
<p>“What did he ask?”</p>
<p>“To remove Adam’s photo. He couldn’t bear to look at it, he said.”</p>
<p>“Now you understand why.”</p>
<p>It hurt him to see Shiro like this, devastated, resting his face in his hands. He wanted to comfort him, tell him it was going to be all right, but this was something Shiro had to sort out by himself. If he judged this was too big a secret for Curtis to hide from him, it might mean the end of their relationship.</p>
<p>When Shiro finally looked up, his eyes were red, but his mouth looked determined. “Thanks for telling me, Keith.”</p>
<p>“I thought you should know.”</p>
<p>“Yes. And it’s tempting to get mad at you for it, when in reality it’s Curtis who has some explaining to do.” He inhaled deeply. “Let’s finish this delicious meal Hunk cooked for us before it gets cold.” He played with his food however, shoving it back and forth on his plate.</p>
<p>“Shiro,” Keith said softly. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Shiro said. “I appreciate you’re being honest with me. You’ve never been good at hiding painful truths.” His fingers folded the napkin, unfolded it, folded it again. “It wouldn’t have been half as bad when they’d been dating <em>before</em> learning I was still alive. I mean... it would have been rather soon for Adam, but then again, he might have been able to leave things behind him quicker than me.” His voice sounded so sad. “I just can’t understand how he could have been dating someone else <em>after</em> finding out I was still alive. He must have hated me for leaving on the Kerberos mission. I never knew. He hated me and once he was alive it made him so mad, he... I don’t know anymore, Keith.”</p>
<p>“Let me say thanks to Hunk and then we leave, okay?”</p>
<p>“I haven’t even eaten half of it. He’ll think I didn’t like it.”</p>
<p>Keith swapped plates and ate the majority of what was left on his plate. “Now he won’t notice.” He got up and went to Hunk, back in the kitchen. “Hunk? We’re leaving.”</p>
<p>“Was it good?”</p>
<p>“It was great. We both loved it. Thanks a lot.”</p>
<p>“Keith... if you’re seeing Lance again...” And before Keith could object: “I know you are. We all know you’ve been with him for weeks the last time.” He took a box from the countertop. “Give him this, please. I made it especially for him. He’ll love it.”</p>
<p>Keith smiled. “Thanks. I’m sure he will.”</p>
<p>“Is it okay?” Hunk lingered a bit. “I mean – you told us he doesn’t want to be reminded of our time in space, right?”</p>
<p>“He’s coping more and more,” Keith said. “It’s not much, but I don’t have to be that careful anymore when I say things. He doesn’t shut down anymore when I say the word “paladin” or one of your names.”</p>
<p>“Thanks, Keith. You’re doing a great job over there. I hope he’ll want to meet with us someday too.”</p>
<p>“I think he might. Someday.”</p>
<p>He received a warm hug before he left.</p>
<p>Shiro hadn’t moved and was still leaning on one elbow, staring out of the window. His phone was in front of him, and he looked as if he could break out in tears any moment.</p>
<p>“I called work,” he said. “Told them I take the rest of the day off. I can’t face Curtis now. Not while I’m at work. I messaged him I want to see him tonight.”</p>
<p>“Come on, we’re leaving,” Keith said.</p>
<p>He drove him to his apartment, and went inside with him. He yearned to go to Lance, but Shiro was important too. He wasn’t gonna leave him in this state. “What photo did he want you to put away?”</p>
<p>“This one.” Shiro rummaged in a drawer.</p>
<p>“I don’t want you to put photos of Adam in a drawer,” Keith said. It was his favourite photo of him, a happy smile straight into the camera. Shiro had taken the photo himself, Keith remembered, because he’d been there too. It was one of his fondest memories. “He deserves better.”</p>
<p>“After what you told me, I don’t know what to think of Adam anymore.”</p>
<p>“Shiro, sit down.” <em>Apparently I have to spell it out for you.</em> He took Adam’s photo and put it back on the dresser where it belonged, among the other photos. “Try to think back about how you and Curtis started. Remember how you thought he was pushy? How you complained to me about him never leaving you alone?”</p>
<p>He crossed his arms over his chest. “Of course I remember,” It clearly annoyed him Keith had to start about that again. “But we talked, and I explained how that made me feel, and we’re taking it easy. I only see him during the weekends, and sometimes on weeknights, but most of the time I’m alone, watching TV, going to the gym...”</p>
<p>“Shiro, don’t you agree Curtis might have tried the same approach on Adam? You know what he’s like. He wants something, so he makes sure he gets it.”</p>
<p>“You think he pushed Adam into a relationship with him?”</p>
<p>“You know Adam best. Sam Holt returns. Adam’s been mourning you since you guys went missing. Now he learns you’re alive. What does he need most? Someone to talk to. He must have wanted to talk with Sam, but Sam was kept away from everyone. So who did he turn to? The guy he knew as one of the ground crew, an operator on all of his flights. Their schedules must have been pretty much the same, so they probably met each other all the time at work, and possibly also after. You know how Curtis is.” He left room for Shiro to fill in the rest.</p>
<p>“He probably lured him into a relationship,” Shiro said. “Keith, I can’t believe it... but at the same time I can.”</p>
<p>“I’m afraid to say the worst thing,” Keith said. “I hope I’m wrong, but I want you to consider it. What if... what if Curtis was already after you all those years before? When you were with Adam? Do you think it’s possible he might have envied Adam for having a relationship with you?” He really didn’t want to say this, but he had to. “What if he only meant to hurt Adam once you’d return?”</p>
<p>“God no,” Shiro moaned. “Keith, I hope you’re wrong. I so hope you’re wrong.”</p>
<p>Keith saw it coming, and took him in his arms the moment it started. “Deep breaths, Shiro. Yeah, just like that. I’m here. You’re safe. Breathe.” His heart hurt for him. Shiro hadn’t had a panic attack in years.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I don’t want to break up with Curtis,” Shiro said, much later. Thanks to Keith, the episode had ended quickly, and a brief shower had done the rest. He was sitting on the sofa, legs folded underneath him, wearing a comfortable pair of sweatpants. His voice was steady again, his expression composed. “But I think that has little to do with Curtis. It’s me. I can’t lose another lover so short after losing Adam.”</p>
<p>Keith sat on the other end of the sofa, watching him carefully. Under no circumstances would he leave without making sure Shiro could cope with this alone. “I think I’m going to ask Lance if he wants to see you,” he pondered. “I doubt if he’s ready for it... to see others, I mean, but he’s basically going through the same.”</p>
<p>“But worse.”</p>
<p>“Maybe.”</p>
<p>“They were just starting,” Shiro said. “I don’t even want to think about what had become of me if I’d lost Adam in the early stages of our relationship. He was my entire universe.” He sighed. “I’m clearly still not over him.” He took his glass, forgot to take a sip, and put it back on the coffee table. “I thought I was. I thought if I’d have that conversation with Curtis, ask him if he was able to accept how Adam was forever a part of me...”</p>
<p>“...you’d prove to yourself that you were ready to move on.”</p>
<p>“I can see you’ve talked a lot with Lance about this subject.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, we have.”</p>
<p>“How is he really doing, Keith? You’re not telling me a lot. You’re not saying anything at all, actually. It’s as if you’re hiding something.”</p>
<p>Keith considered for a moment. <em>I </em>am<em> hiding something. And Shiro is still my best friend.</em> “I’m gonna show you a photo. But don’t tell anyone else what you’ve seen.” He crawled over the sofa to Shiro and unlocked his phone.</p>
<p>“Your hands are trembling.”</p>
<p>“I have a good reason,” Keith said. He handed Shiro the phone.</p>
<p>“O fuck, Keith, really?” For the first time that day, Shiro smiled. Not an obligatory smile, but one of genuine happiness. “I knew it... well, not <em>that</em>, but I knew there was something you weren’t telling me.”</p>
<p>Keith averted his face, feeling his cheeks go red.</p>
<p>“Hey, don’t be shy! This is great! You guys...” He looked once more at the photo where Lance kissed Keith on the cheek.</p>
<p>“There’s another one,” Keith said, swiping to the first one he’d taken. “But his left ear isn’t on it.”<em> There are several other ones, but those are only for my eyes, and Lance’s. </em></p>
<p>“Look how happy he is... Keith, you’re a wizard. Do you realise that? This is all thanks to you!”</p>
<p>Keith felt awkward, being praised for something that had started off so selfishly. “If you don’t mind... I’ve got a long ride ahead of me.”</p>
<p>“Then go. Hurry.”</p>
<p>Keith jumped off the sofa. “Thanks, Shiro.” He hugged him. “Are you sure you’re gonna be all right tonight?”</p>
<p>“I’ve faced graver dangers,” Shiro said.</p>
<p>“But you’re emotionally involved in this one,” Keith warned. “Don’t let him get you upset. You did nothing wrong, and he has a lot to explain.”</p>
<p>“I’ll be fine, Keith.”</p>
<p>“Call me when something happens. Or Pidge. Hunk. Just don’t be alone if something goes wrong, okay?”</p>
<p>“Keith, go. Don’t worry about me. Lance is waiting for you.”</p>
<p>“Yes, I’m leaving now.” He was unable to hide his excitement over seeing Lance again. And then he suddenly remembered. “Shiro?”</p>
<p>“What is it?”</p>
<p>His face went red. “I... erm... wanted to ask you something.”</p>
<p>“Anything, Keith.”</p>
<p>“Do you... maybe... could I borrow some lube?”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Shiro</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Shiro has to have that conversation with Curtis, and it's going not exactly smoothly.<br/>Oh boy.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Are you sick?” Curtis’ voice on the phone sounded worried.</p>
<p>“No.” <em>Not yet. </em></p>
<p>“You cancelled lunch and then you disappeared.”</p>
<p>“Keith came home today,” Shiro said.</p>
<p>“Ah, your little brother.”</p>
<p><em>Why does he still mock me over Keith? </em>“Could you come over?”</p>
<p>“Keith already gone?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, he left early in the evening.”</p>
<p>“I’ll be there in a minute.”</p>
<p>It was tempting to pour himself another glass before Curtis arrived, but he managed not to, and put the whiskey glass in the dishwasher. He was considering what else to have instead, when a knock on the door indicated that Curtis had already arrived. <em>I should have left the door ajar for him,</em> Shiro thought. <em>I’m not in the mood for a kiss and an embrace in the hallway. </em></p>
<p>“Hey.”</p>
<p>“Hey, handsome.” Curtis kissed him possessively. “What’s the matter?”</p>
<p>“I didn’t take the afternoon off for nothing.” As he turned around, he caught a glimpse of Curtis’ expression. An expression clearly not meant to be seen. An expression saying: <em>not this again</em>.</p>
<p>“Drink?”</p>
<p>“By the look of you, something strong I guess?”</p>
<p>“Okay.”</p>
<p>“Shiro, have you ever noticed how problems between us arise <em>every time </em>after you’ve been talking with Keith?”</p>
<p>Shiro slammed the glass on the countertop. “What are you suggesting?”</p>
<p>“Can’t you see? He’s trying to drive a wedge between us.”</p>
<p>“Why would he do that?”</p>
<p>“Who knows? Maybe he wants you for himself.”</p>
<p>“We’ve discussed this earlier.”</p>
<p>“I don’t know what to believe anymore,” Curtis said. “I can’t ask you to cut him out of your life, but I’m sick of having these conversations with you every time you’ve spoken with him.”</p>
<p>Shiro didn’t feel like sharing the sofa with him, and the kitchen counter separating them felt like a necessary boundary between him and Curtis. “I don’t want you to bring up Keith every time we’re having an argument.”</p>
<p>“Keith is the very reason for our arguments!” Curtis said. “Are you going to bring me that glass or do I have to come and get it myself?”</p>
<p>“Help yourself,” Shiro said distantly, desperately trying to keep himself together. His hands clenched the counter top.</p>
<p>Curtis sighed and got up. And then he noticed. “That photo... Why?” And suddenly realising: “<em>He</em> made you put it back.”</p>
<p>Shiro was unable to share how he’d been bawling his eyes out when he had put the photo in the drawer. Not to Curtis. “Adam is a part of my life. I can’t put it away.”</p>
<p>“One thing,” Curtis said. “I asked you <em>one</em> thing.”</p>
<p>“The one thing I can’t do,” Shiro said softly. “I’m sorry, Curtis.”</p>
<p>“I’ve been listening to all your shit, and I ask <em>one</em> thing in return. You could have put that frame anywhere. But no, you choose to have him stare at me again, judging how I took his boyfriend.”</p>
<p><em>This says more about you than it does about me,</em> Shiro thought, while feeling whatever his relationship with Curtis had ever meant, slip through his fingers, like sand. He knew he had to say it now. “Or is it because you can’t stand your own ex staring at you?”</p>
<p>Silence. The tension was palpable. Curtis’ nostrils widened, his face turning red. He took a few deep breaths to get himself under control again, and then, with a remarkably reasonable voice, he replied: “I shouldn’t have kept that from you.”</p>
<p>“No, you shouldn’t.” He didn’t leave the safety of the kitchen. “So why did you?”</p>
<p>Curtis sat down on one of the chairs. “Embarrassment,” he admitted. “It’s not exactly something I’m proud of.”</p>
<p>“Why not? I was proud dating Adam. He was a decent guy.”</p>
<p>“Jesus, Shiro, isn’t it obvious? Why are you always making things unnecessarily difficult? I thought it was no big deal. He’s dead anyway. Yes, I dated him...”</p>
<p>“For how long?”</p>
<p>“On and off... I’d say a year or two.”</p>
<p>Shiro had to hold on to something, and forced himself to think about Keith’s words. <em>Don’t let him upset you. </em>He repeated the words in his head as he felt cold sweat on his back. <em>Don’t let him get me upset. Don’t. Don’t. </em>The very thought of that man fucking his Adam made him sick. <em>So now you’ve had us both. Is that what you always wanted? Were you jealous of us, and is this what you did once we were separated? </em>He finally managed to get himself together. “I heard you didn’t start dating until you heard I was still alive.”</p>
<p>“He was obviously mourning you before,” Curtis said. “Isn’t that ironic? You guys both mourning each other, feeling guilty about the other being dead and no saying goodbye and such.” He glared at Shiro, who suddenly was unable to find him handsome anymore. All he was able to see was an envious man who made it a habit to catch vulnerable people in his tentacles.</p>
<p>“...and when he learned you did live... well, he needed someone to lend him an ear.”</p>
<p>“And there you were.”</p>
<p>“And there I was. It’s not like there’s dozens of gay people at the Garrison waiting to support each other.”</p>
<p>“You’re an even worse person than I feared.”</p>
<p>“I did nothing wrong,” Curtis said. “He came to me. We talked. He cried. The rest is... well, just like what happened with us.”</p>
<p><em>I don’t want to hear it. </em>“We’re done,” Shiro said. “Get out of my house.”</p>
<p>“Sleep it over. You’re emotional. I totally understand. You’ve been talking with Keith and he’s been meddling in our relationship, making you doubt us. I know you’ll understand eventually. You can’t stay mad at me.”</p>
<p>“Curtis,” Shiro said. “<em>We </em>are done.”</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>“Go home. We are no longer in a relationship.”</p>
<p>“You’re not really breaking up with me. You <em>love</em> me. You’ll get over this eventually. You’re just a bit confused now, because it’s all new to you.”</p>
<p>“Curtis, I’m not gonna say it again.”</p>
<p>“You’re just jealous, aren’t you? Jealous I fucked Adam too. Jealous that <em>I</em> was the last one he fucked before he died, not you!”</p>
<p>That was the final blow. Shiro sank down on the floor behind the kitchen counter, hyperventilating and crawling into a corner, hugging himself into a fetal position. <em>Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop.</em>.. <em>Keith, help me. </em>His phone was on the coffee table. Curtis was still in the room. He was helpless, and there was no one to save him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Keith</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Keith and Lance talk about what their relationship means to each of them, and something unexpected happens.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p>
<p>He arrived after midnight, his hands and face nipped. Of course Lance had waited up for him. As soon as he’d parked his bike in the barn, he ran into Lance’s arms. Feeling his lips again, hearing his voice again, tenderly saying how much he’d missed him, and being able to tell him the same, was what made his life worth living. They didn’t waste any time and climbed the stairs as soon as they got in.</p>
<p>It had taken a while before Lance had been ready to share his upstairs bed with Keith, and they’d slept on the couch together for at least a week before Lance had taken him by his hand and led him into his bedroom, after a bath. The tub was way too small for two people, but they were unable to separate even for half an hour. That had been the first night they’d slept naked in each other’s arms, kissing and making out all night long.</p>
<p>And now they kissed again, and Lance’s hands were everywhere as he rushed to get Keith out of his clothes. “Are you cold?” He gently blew his breath onto Keith’s hands.</p>
<p>“It’s always cold up here,” Keith said.</p>
<p>“Makes your nipples hard,” Lance said, leaning in to briefly lick them.</p>
<p>“Not just my nipples,” Keith whispered, pushing his hips forward as he embraced Lance. He knew what was coming, and the shiver running over his body wasn’t entirely caused by the cold. As soon as he sat down on the bed, Lance kneeled in front of him, spreading his knees. He could see him looking up by the light of the lantern on the nightstand, and caressed his hair as Lance started kissing the soft skin of his inner thighs. The Altean marks on his cheekbones were glowing softly, like they always did when they were having sex. He’d had no idea his own eyes were glowing as well until Lance pointed it out one time.</p>
<p>“Ah, Lance...” His mouth was hot compared to the freezing room. He had goose bumps all over, panting and whimpering as Lance sucked him deep into his mouth, playing around it with his tongue. “L– Lance... stop...”</p>
<p>“Already?” Lance looked up.</p>
<p>He shook his head. “It’s too cold. Let’s get into bed.” Sleeping in Lance’s bed had been a compromise, as they had to choose between warmth (downstairs) and space (upstairs). He helped Lance out of his clothes, dropping them on the floor. The first naked embrace after his absence was heaven. “Ah, your bed is cold too,” Keith said as he opened the blanket.</p>
<p>“I’ll make you feel warm again,” Lance promised, and Keith knew he was telling the truth. He’d kick the blankets off eventually, all hot and sweaty. Lance kissed him again, greedy, possessive. Keith willingly followed his initiatives, still wary of pushing him too far, even though there wasn’t much he and Lance hadn’t done yet.</p>
<p>That’s why he didn’t tell him about the lube until after Lance brought it up, a couple of days later, while resting on the couch after a long day’s work. Keith had lit the fire, using the wood he’d been chopping all afternoon.</p>
<p>“It’s quiet when you’re not here,” Lance said. He’d been in a melancholic mood the entire day. Keith always hurt inside when Lance was like this. It was no problem when he was here for him, but kept worrying about the times he wasn’t, leaving Lance all alone with his grief.</p>
<p>“Come here,” Keith said, offering himself as a pillow, Lance’s favourite. He fondled his hair as Lance rested against his chest.</p>
<p>“Mamá noticed,” he continued. “They were here last week. She said I looked... alive again.”</p>
<p>“Mothers always notice,” Keith said. “Did you tell her?”</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>“I did.” Krolia was the best mom and it never felt weird to tell her anything.</p>
<p>“What did she say?”</p>
<p>“Nothing special. She’s happy for me. For us.” Keith touched the Altean marks. “Does your mom know you’re into guys?”</p>
<p>“I’m not into guys,” Lance said. He exhaled. “I’m only into you.” His hand slipped underneath Keith’s hoodie. “Because you’re you.”</p>
<p>Keith tensed up. Was that a good thing? Lance’s fingers caressing his stomach told him it was, but he suddenly wondered if, whatever it was between them, would ever become more than this – a sort of upgraded friendship. <em>I may be good enough for now..., but what if he meets a girl he likes? </em></p>
<p>“And you?”</p>
<p>Keith looked down on Lance, and on the contour of his hand under his hoodie. “I’ve never been interested in girls anyway.” He suddenly found it hard to confess that to Lance. <em>Yes, I’m probably gay, and you? Am I only convenient for you now? An experiment? A friend with benefits? </em></p>
<p>“I was never interested in guys until I got to know you,” Lance said. “You’re... feline? The way you look and move. It’s beautiful.” He turned his head to look up. “Do you think that’s because you’re half Galra?”</p>
<p>“I have no idea,” Keith said, still confused. There was something he had to ask Lance urgently, but he was afraid to do so. The very thought of asking <em>that</em> question made him cold inside. He wasn’t prepared for a negative answer. “I’m just me, I guess.”</p>
<p>“I’m glad you are,” Lance said. “And I’m glad you’re here. You travelled half the universe to be with me. You went to Altea for me to get me...” his voice caught. “... Allura’s ring.”</p>
<p>“We agreed you should have it,” Keith said.</p>
<p>“You and Coran?”</p>
<p>“Yes.”</p>
<p>“I miss him.”</p>
<p>“He promised to come to Earth as soon as you want him to.”</p>
<p>“I might, some day.”</p>
<p>“There’s another person you may want to see.”</p>
<p>“Who?”</p>
<p>“Shiro.”</p>
<p>Lance lay quiet for a while. “Why him? Why not the others?”</p>
<p>“He’s having a tough time at the moment.”</p>
<p>“What happened?”</p>
<p><em>Careful now,</em> Keith thought. “He had to date someone else before realising he wasn’t over Adam yet.”</p>
<p>“You want us to talk, right? Two guys in the same situation. Share our grief.” He sounded annoyed. “I don’t want that, Keith. I can talk with you about it, but I doubt I’d ever do that with someone else. I can’t even tell my family.” He fell silent again. “Are you afraid?” he said after a long pause.</p>
<p>“Afraid of what?”</p>
<p>“That the same happens with us? That I discover I’m not over Allura because of all the things we’re doing?”</p>
<p>“Sort of. Sometimes. Not all the time.”</p>
<p>“Don’t worry,” Lance said. “You already knew I won’t ever be able to forget her. We started from there. No one but you could live with that. You knew from the beginning, and you knew her. I can’t think of a better person to share the rest of my life with.”</p>
<p>
  <em>What?</em>
</p>
<p>“I love you,” Lance continued, saying it casually, as if it was a well-known fact already. “I told you earlier; because you’re you.”</p>
<p><em>I’ve never told anyone I love them before. </em>His heart beat faster. <em>Not like that. I love my mom, and Shiro... but not like this. Not... </em>“Does that mean...”</p>
<p>“You did know, did you? You look scared.”</p>
<p>“I’m not... I’m happy.”</p>
<p>“I’m happy when you’re around,” Lance said, returning his hand underneath Keith’s hoodie, and gently lifting the hem a bit so he could kiss Keith’s stomach. “Thanks to you I feel alive again.” His head rested on Keith’s crotch. “Seems something else is alive down here as well.” He smirked and kissed him through the fabric. “I wish I could fuck you.”</p>
<p>“Why haven’t you already?” Keith asked, his voice a bit shaky, but it was a genuine question, one he’d been afraid to ask because he didn’t want to push Lance.</p>
<p>“I didn’t know if you wanted to,” Lance said.</p>
<p>“I think I do,” Keith said, suddenly rock hard from the very thought.</p>
<p>“I think you do indeed,” Lance said. His voice sounded different and Keith could see the outline of his dick in his pants.</p>
<p>“Lance... I’ve got to tell you something.” His voice was almost a whisper, and his cheeks were burning red. “I brought lube.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was winter, and there was not much to do on the farm, except for taking care of the animals, which they did together. Keith never got the hang of milking, so he left that to Lance and fed the chickens, collecting their eggs and cleaning the coop. The sheep didn’t need much, except for fresh water. It was so cold now that each morning he had to crack a layer of ice that had formed overnight on their trough. Every time he walked to the far meadow in the morning to check on them, he passed the fencing he’d built the last time he was here, and he couldn’t help thinking about the old man in his cold shack. He hadn’t seen him since he was back, and neither had Lance. He hoped the poor guy was okay.</p>
<p>As he strolled back, he became aware of Lance, waiting for him behind the barn, and he sped up a little, already longing for his arms – and more. They had a sort of silent agreement not to have sex during the day, but that didn’t mean no kissing or cuddling. Lance held him for a while, nuzzling his hair. “I’m gonna have to clean the stable,” he said. “The cows are making a mess when they’re indoors 24/7.”</p>
<p>“I’ll help,” Keith said, but Lance declined.</p>
<p>“There’s something else I need you to do. I want you to check the larder. I’m not sure I’ve got enough canned food for the winter.” He didn’t need to explain; with Keith around he went through his stock twice as fast.</p>
<p>“Okay,” Keith said. He looked Lance on his back as he left for the barn. <em>I’m still not certain what I mean to him.</em> He was afraid to open his heart entirely, and felt unable to tell him that he loved him back. <em>I want to... but I don’t want to make him feel obliged. He loves me... but like a friend, or a lover? </em>He took the stairs to the basement, struggling a bit because walking still hurt a little. No matter the status of their relationship, the sex was... <em>intense.</em> The first time on the couch had been clumsy, with pretty much everything going wrong, but they were quick learners – and it helped that both wanted the other to feel as good as possible.</p>
<p>“Lube,” he mumbled as he wrote the groceries on a note. He leaned against the wall. <em>I love you,</em> he thought. <em>I want you to be happy again, and it seems you are when I’m around... is that enough? </em>He counted the cans, wrote down how many were missing from the neat stacks. <em>I hope we’re going to the supermarket together. </em>He chuckled, because he didn’t see why. Shopping for groceries wasn’t his favourite pastime. <em>But with Lance it is. Everything is better with him. </em>The dark end of the basement was cramped, and as he turned around, something fell on the floor. He bent over to pick it up. <em>That’s his bayard. I didn’t know he still... </em>He looked closer. It was the red one. It would have made so much more sense if he’d kept the blue one, but instead Keith was holding <em>his</em> old bayard in his hand. <em>Our bayard.</em> He carefully put it back on the shelf, slightly confused.</p>
<p>“We’re going to have to do groceries,” Keith said as they rested on the couch that night.</p>
<p>“Hmm,” Lance pondered.</p>
<p>“You’re not really into leaving your farm, are you?”</p>
<p>“I’ve only left this place for visits to my parents,” Lance said.</p>
<p>“Maybe it’s time to start getting used to normal life again,” Keith said carefully. “Tiny steps at a time.”</p>
<p>“I can do it if you’re coming too,” Lance said.</p>
<p>“Of course. I’m not gonna let you do it alone.”</p>
<p>“But I’m gonna have to... eventually.”</p>
<p>“Why? I’m here for you. I promised.” He felt a gush of panic. <em>See? I’m only convenient right now.</em></p>
<p>“But you can’t always be, can you?”</p>
<p>“Of course I can.”</p>
<p>“You’ll be going back into space in a couple of weeks, maybe days...”</p>
<p>“And then I’ll come back. I’ll always come back for you, Lance.”</p>
<p>“Always?”</p>
<p>“Always. I love you. I left you alone once. I won’t leave you again.” He covered his mouth.<em> Dang, I said it.</em> As he looked up, Lance was staring at him with a unfathomable expression on his face, his Altean marks glowing.</p>
<p>“We have to talk,” Lance said as he got up.</p>
<p>Keith followed him into the kitchen.</p>
<p>Lance put the kettle on the stove. “Still no coffee?”</p>
<p>“Tea is fine.” His stomach clenched. <em>Something is wrong.</em></p>
<p>Lance waited for the water to boil. “Did you find it?”</p>
<p>“...the bayard?”</p>
<p>“I kept it. I never looked at it again, but I knew it was down in the basement.”</p>
<p><em>You wanted me to find it. </em>“I wonder if it still works.”</p>
<p>“You didn’t try? That doesn’t sound like you.”</p>
<p>“It’s not mine.”</p>
<p>“It is though. Red was yours too.”</p>
<p>“You should have kept the blue one,” Keith said.</p>
<p>“No... the blue one has only depressing memories. The red one...” he smiled, briefly touching Keith. “The red one is <em>ours</em>.”</p>
<p>
  <em>He kept it because I was special too? Is that what he means? </em>
</p>
<p>“Can’t you see, Keith?” The water boiled, and he paused to pour the water in their mugs. “We’ve always shared a bond. From the beginning.”</p>
<p>“I knew it,” Keith said softly. “Kolivan said... it’s a Galra thing. The bond.” He tried to remember Kolivan’s words. “You can’t choose the bond. It chooses you. That’s what he said.” He looked up, and met Lance’s eyes.</p>
<p>“You’ve always known, haven’t you,” Lance said, cupping Keith’s face. “And I fell in love with Allura instead.” He looked sad.</p>
<p>Keith finally understood. “Hey,” he said, putting his hand over Lance’s. “You wouldn’t have wanted to miss what you had with Allura, would you?”</p>
<p>“No...” He put one step into Keith’s direction and fell into his embrace. “I’m happy I’ve been able to love you both,” he said, his voice muffled into Keith’s neck. “I really am. I should have known I’d never be alone as long as you’re around.”</p>
<p>“I left you hanging for years,” Keith said, still feeling guilty about that.</p>
<p>“I kept everyone at a distance,” Lance said. “Even you.” He looked into Keith’s eyes. “I think I was afraid... to let you back into my life.” He sighed, his hands on Keith’s shoulders. “How could I have been so wrong.”</p>
<p>“You weren’t. Don’t judge so hard on yourself. You were grieving.”</p>
<p>“I refused to move on. I was stuck. I... You rescued me, Keith. I was dead inside. You made me feel alive again.”</p>
<p>Keith smiled, but cautiously; Lance wasn’t finished.</p>
<p>“I have to ask you something important,” Lance said. “I need to know, and I need an honest answer.”</p>
<p>“Okay,” Keith said, nervously.</p>
<p>“Keith Kogane...” he cleared his throat. “Let’s make our relationship official.”</p>
<p>“Official... as in...”</p>
<p>“You’re my boyfriend now,” Lance stated. “I love you, and you’ve just told me you love me back.”</p>
<p>Keith didn’t know his eyes were glowing, but he did kiss Lance’s Altean marks as they lit up. “I love you, Lance. Of course I’ll be your boyfriend.” He kissed him, and felt the smile in Lance’s lips.</p>
<p>“I need a bonding moment,” Lance said, pushing his hips into Keith. “Can you feel that?”</p>
<p>Keith smiled. “But on the couch. It’s so cold upstairs.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Waking up in his arms was the best part of the day. Even if that was on the couch, in an uncomfortable position. <em>We’re like a couple of rabbits,</em> he thought as he saw the mess of clothes on the floor. “Lance,” he whispered. “Time to get up.”</p>
<p>“Don’t want to,” Lance mumbled drowsily. “You’re so nice and warm.” He pressed his face into Keith’s neck. “Don’t get out yet.”</p>
<p>“I’ll make breakfast for us.” It took him some effort to release himself from Lance’s embrace.</p>
<p>Living on a farm made sure there was never a shortage of eggs and milk. He’d never been a great cook, but he’d learned to cook decent scrambled eggs during his stays with Lance. The cows mooed, and he heard the door as Lance got out to milk them. That was always the first thing he did, and he was always back in time for breakfast.</p>
<p>“Almost done,” Keith said as he heard the door again.</p>
<p>“Cold,” a cracking voice said.</p>
<p>Keith almost dropped the skillet, and turned around. The old beggar stood in the kitchen doorway.</p>
<p>“Nice smells,” he said. “Fishes in the frozen waters. Can’t reach them.”</p>
<p>“You’re hungry,” Keith immediately understood. “I’m sure Lance won’t mind if we share our breakfast with you.” <em>You smell though.</em> “Sit down.” He gestured at a chair. “Do you want coffee or tea?”</p>
<p>“Coffee was long ago,” the hobo said. “Always coffee.”</p>
<p>“You did have a life, didn’t you?” He put the kettle on the fire. “Where are you from? Do you even have a name?”</p>
<p>“Lance’s friend Keith,” the man said. “You are very kind.”</p>
<p>“I can give you some canned food when you leave,” he said. “We’re going to do grocery shopping today anyway. Anything you like in particular?”</p>
<p>“Food,” the man said.</p>
<p><em>He seems a bit backward</em>, Keith thought. <em>Canned ravioli then. </em>“We’ll bring some on our way back. Don’t worry.”</p>
<p>The door creaked again, and slammed shut.</p>
<p>“Lance,” Keith said. “We have a guest.”</p>
<p>“Oh?” He peeked into the kitchen. “Oh, swamp man, it’s you. Cold again, huh? You’re just in time for breakfast.”</p>
<p>“He needs a bath,” Keith whispered, pointing at his nose out of sight of the man.</p>
<p>Lance laughed. “Make some extra, Keith. He can take the rest home.”</p>
<p>“You’ve done this before, have you?” Keith asked softly.</p>
<p>Lance nodded. “He’s got even less than I have.”</p>
<p>Keith looked over his shoulder at the man, whose wet, sour stench filled the kitchen, mixing with the smell of baked eggs and coffee. The mice were sitting on the table in front of him, playing with his fingers. The man laughed, a cackling sound. Keith knew this kind of unfortunate people too well. He’d met his kind all over the universe when distributing goods on behalf of the charity. People who’d lost everything but refused to give up anyway.</p>
<p>Instinctively, Lance and Keith sat down on the bench together, on the far end of the table. The old man happily gobbled up his meal, pieces of egg and breadcrumbs in his felted beard.</p>
<p><em>He’s got good teeth though</em>, Keith noticed. <em>He might not even be as old as he looks. </em></p>
<p>“How about a bath, neighbour?” Lance said after their meal was done. “Nice and warm.”</p>
<p>“Warm is good.”</p>
<p>“I’ll fill it up already,” Keith said.</p>
<p>A while later Lance and the swamp man climbed the stairs as well, the old man limping and puffing in front of him. “Almost there,” he heard Lance say.</p>
<p>“Warm water,” the man smiled. “Nice warm.”</p>
<p>“You prefer summer too, right?” Lance said. “Come on, we’ve got to get you out of these clothes.”</p>
<p>They stripped him off his clothes together. Keith cringed as he saw him. He wasn’t old at all. He was just an unfortunate guy, covered in scars. His left foot must have been broken a long time ago, and healed in such a way he could hardly walk anymore. <em>Poor thing.</em> “You’ve been in a fire?” <em>He probably lost everything.</em></p>
<p>“Fire, yes.” He shivered as his clothes fell on the bathroom floor. “Fire everywhere. Couldn’t escape. Fell on the ground. My foot broke.”</p>
<p>“Probably jumped out of a burning house,” Lance whispered. “Poor guy.”</p>
<p>“We’ll get you clean,” Keith said. “And warm. How about a shave? We could cut your hair too. Make you look decent again.”</p>
<p>“You’re nothing but skin and bones so I reckon you’ll fit in some old clothes of mine.” The ones he was wearing were completely worn down.</p>
<p>The swamp man smiled as he stepped into the bath. Keith gagged as he saw an oily layer of grey dirt emerge on the water surface, and handed him a bottle of soap. “Wash yourself thoroughly, swamp man. We’ll check on you in ten minutes.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Lance returned with some clothes; an old pair of jeans and a warm sweater, and an old coat. The water was grey, and Keith asked him to remove the plug so the water could wash away. “We’ll give you new water to rinse, okay?”</p>
<p>“You still have to rinse,” Lance said, emphasising every syllable, as if talking to a retarded or a deaf person.</p>
<p>“Lance and Keith,” the man said when he was done, “I am clean.” He smiled, looking down his scarred body.</p>
<p>“Here’s a towel,” Lance said. “Get yourself dry. We’ll give you a shave and a haircut first.”</p>
<p>The man sat on a chair, the towel around his shoulders, wearing only Lance’s old pants. Keith had never cut anyone’s hair before, except for his own bangs from time to time, and his hands trembled a bit as he cut the first lock of hair off.</p>
<p>“Not too short,” Lance said. “It’s still cold.” He turned to his neighbour. “I might have a beanie and a scarf somewhere for you.” He left the bathroom.</p>
<p>Keith kept cutting. Tangled locks fell on the floor. “How does that feel?”</p>
<p>“Old days coming back,” the man said. He studied Keith’s face. “Old days coming back.”</p>
<p>“Nice to get rid of that bird’s nest, doesn’t it? You’re gonna have to keep doing this from time to time. We’ll help you with it. I’m sure you’ll feel better when you look a bit more decent.” <em>I’m babbling,</em> he thought, <em>because the silence is making me anxious with this man. He’s looking at me in a particular way, and I don’t know what to make of it. </em>He somehow managed to cut the man’s hair in a somewhat proper trim. “Now the beard.” <em>I wonder what he looks like without it. </em>“Aren’t you cold?”</p>
<p>“No. Still warm from the bath,” the swamp man answered.</p>
<p>“Okay. Now hold still, I’m gonna cut your beard. Lift your chin.” He cut the beard with scissors first, then he switched to a razor. He lathered his chin with shaving foam.</p>
<p>“Nice smell.”</p>
<p>“You’re gonna smell and look nice again once we’re done with you,” Keith promised. He heard Lance rummaging in the kitchen, probably making some coffee for them. With careful strokes he removed the hairs from the man’s face. The skin of his neck and face were unscarred, he noticed. It was only his body and parts of his arms and legs. The man sat quiet, motionless, as Keith rounded the curve of his chin, his cheeks, his throat.</p>
<p>“Done,” he said contently, stepping back to watch the result.</p>
<p>And he wavered, and dropped the razor as he lost all strength in his limbs.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Shiro</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It's all coming together now guys.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Hey, Shiro,” Pidge phoned him every day at 6 p.m.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Shiro said.</p>
<p>“Do you want me to come over tonight?” She always asked.</p>
<p>“No, I’m good. But thanks.”</p>
<p>“You know it’s not good to be alone,” she insisted.</p>
<p>“I’m fine, Pidge. Hunk was here yesterday, and Matt the day before. I’ll manage.”</p>
<p>“Call me whenever something’s wrong, okay?”</p>
<p>“I will. Thanks again, Pidge.”</p>
<p>Daily check-ups disguised as casual conversations. He hadn’t appeared on work the day after, and when someone went to check on him, they found him in a catatonic state on the floor, between the counter and the fridge. A doctor was called, they kept him in a hospital overnight, and got him back on medication. He hadn’t returned to work since. <em>Three weeks already.</em> He hadn’t heard from Curtis either, which was good. He hadn’t told anyone what had happened though. Pidge had been the first one to suggest he’d call Keith, but he was too embarrassed to do so. Keith had warned him about Curtis from the beginning. “I don’t want to disturb him when he’s with Lance,” he’d told her. “Besides, I’ve got you guys, right?”</p>
<p>It was almost as good as, but not quite.</p>
<p>He spent his days watching TV, or napping on the sofa. At night, he lay awake.</p>
<p>The doorbell rang.</p>
<p>He looked through the spyhole – he’d gotten anxious to open the door, even during daytime, and never opened it unless he knew who was calling.</p>
<p>
  <em>Keith?</em>
</p>
<p>He immediately opened the door, and they fell into each other’s arms. “Shiro, what happened? I... Pidge told me you had another episode... why haven’t you called me?” He was equally worried and mad, and unable to hide his emotions. “Damn it, Shiro.” He squeezed him hard enough to make his bones crack.</p>
<p>He trembled, Shiro felt, and he looked pale too. “I’m alright now,” he said.</p>
<p>“It was Curtis, wasn’t it?”</p>
<p>Shiro looked away. “You were right about him.”</p>
<p>“That asshole,” Keith said.</p>
<p>“I broke up with him,” Shiro said as he sat down. “Obviously.”</p>
<p>“Good,” Keith said. He sat down on the coffee table, and took Shiro’s hands. “You really should have called me.”</p>
<p>“I...”</p>
<p>“You’re stupidly selfless,” Keith reprimanded. “I kind of understand your reasoning, but you’ve got little confidence in me if you thought you shouldn’t bother me with this. If this wasn’t an emergency, what is?”</p>
<p>“I was ashamed,” Shiro said. “Because you were right, and I never listened to you.”</p>
<p>“I’m not angry with you,” Keith said softly. “I’m never angry with you. I was... it was difficult to see you with him. You were obviously not happy, but you didn’t even notice it yourself.”</p>
<p>“I should have listened...”</p>
<p>“Yes, you should.”</p>
<p>“Nothing went natural. We... no, I was struggling all the time. I thought I expected too much of him.”</p>
<p>“You didn’t.”</p>
<p>“I know now.”</p>
<p>“What exactly caused your panic attack, Shiro? You said you broke up with him. What happened? Did he become violent?”</p>
<p>“No... he said...” He briefly closed his eyes and swallowed. “He said something extremely cruel about Adam and me.”</p>
<p>“What an absolute cunt,” Keith muttered as he got up. He strode to the dresser, rearranging the photos a bit, picking up Adam’s smiling photo. “You put it back. I bet that triggered him.”</p>
<p>“It did. I put it back because you told me to, even though I knew how he’d respond.”</p>
<p>“I wish I’d stayed that night,” Keith said.</p>
<p>“It would have happened one way or another,” Shiro said. He walked up to Keith. “Hey, aren’t you cold? You’re coming straight from Lance, aren’t you? Let me make you something to drink.”</p>
<p>“I haven’t eaten either,” Keith said.</p>
<p>“I have some burritos left from earlier,” Shiro said. “I could microwave them for you.”</p>
<p>“Thanks.”</p>
<p>Keith ate them on the couch, sitting close to him. Only now he was able to feel how much he’d missed him. “I’m so glad you’re here,” Shiro said.</p>
<p>“Anytime, Shiro,” Keith said. His hands still trembled, Shiro saw, and he was eating way too fast.</p>
<p>“Are you staying here?” he asked cautiously, because now that Keith finally showed up, he couldn’t bear the answer being no.</p>
<p>“No,” Keith said, and he looked aside when Shiro made a gasping noise. “We’re not staying here. We’re going back to Lance, you and I.”</p>
<p>“To– tonight?”</p>
<p>“Yes. As soon as I’m done eating. Put something warm on, it’s freezing cold where he lives.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They left half an hour later. Keith had called Pidge and Hunk while Shiro was changing clothes, so that they’d know he’d be in good hands the next couple of days. The trip took more than five hours. Keith never stopped along the way, and drove faster than Shiro thought necessary. He could hardly keep up on his own speeder. Nevertheless, being away from the Garrison for a couple of days was as much pleasant as necessary, and being able to meet Lance for the first time in years was a bonus he hadn’t counted on at all. <em>I’m proud of Keith, </em>he thought. Somehow, he’d managed to get through to Lance, and help him move on. <em>He’s endlessly patient,</em> he knew, <em>as he has always been with me.</em> He smiled, despite the freezing wind on his face. <em>No wonder Lance loves him.</em> He thought about earlier, their Voltron time, and had to admit, in hindsight, that behind the rivalry and bickering they’d shared a bond all along. <em>Who’d have seen that coming?</em></p>
<p>The full moon lit the road ahead of them, and he saw a land flat as a sheet, with leafless trees and shrubs and a river hemmed with rustling reed. Keith stopped at a hidden gate. “We’re here. We can park our bikes in the barn.”</p>
<p>It was probably the most remote place on earth, Shiro thought as he got off his bike and became aware of the silence. He followed Keith to a black mass and saw a faint light as he opened the stable door.</p>
<p>“He has no electricity,” Keith explained. “I’ll help you, I know the way, even in the dark.” He blew out the lantern as soon as the bikes were put away. A cow mooed.</p>
<p>“Is that Kaltenecker?”</p>
<p>“Probably. He has some more cows now.” Keith’s voice was tense.</p>
<p>He followed him to the house. He could see candle lights through the windows, and smelled the smoke from a fire. They rounded the house, and Keith opened the door. He led them into a dark hallway.</p>
<p>“Shiro...” His voice quivered. “I want you to be... prepared.”</p>
<p>“I’ll be careful,” Shiro said. “You’re more nervous than I am.”</p>
<p>“Just... be prepared, okay?”</p>
<p><em>Okay.</em> He followed Keith into the kitchen.</p>
<p>Lance was waiting on one of the chairs, and turned around. His smile brightened the room. “Shiro,” he said, and got up to hug him.</p>
<p>“Lance...” He almost teared up as he closed his arms around the paladins’ lost sheep. “Lance, I’m so glad... Let me look at you.” He looked fine. <em>Happy</em>. His Altean marks were glowing faintly.</p>
<p>“And I’m happy to see you,” Lance said. “I’m sorry I let you all wait so long... I wasn’t ready...”</p>
<p>“Hey, no one blames you. We understand.”</p>
<p>“You should thank Keith. If he hadn’t been so persistent...”</p>
<p>Shiro gestured to Keith to come closer, and made him join their hug. For a couple of moments the three men stood in a tight embrace, none of them speaking, but all of them quietly sobbing.</p>
<p>“Shiro,” Lance whispered. “Keith didn’t bring you here for nothing.” He cleared his throat, but his voice still trembled. “I think we should go to the living room.” He shared a glance with Keith. “Don’t you think, Keith? It’s much warmer in there.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Keith said, equally nervous.</p>
<p>Shiro had himself guided through the kitchen door into the other room. It was nice and warm. The curtains were closed. And on the couch was a man, who slowly looked up as he entered the room.</p>
<p>Shiro’s blood ran cold.</p>
<p>“No...” he whispered. “No...” he’d have collapsed if Keith hadn’t supported him. “No... that’s impossible.”</p>
<p>“I know you,” the man said. “But your hair was black.”</p>
<p>“...Adam?” Shiro whispered.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Keith</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The aftermath of the reunion. Lance is having a hard time, but Keith is there for him.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Shiro had spent the entire night and the following day in the room with Adam. Keith and Lance kept their distance, and only interrupted when bringing them something to eat or drink. None of them had been able to hold their tears at the reunion, when Shiro had taken Adam in his arms.</p>
<p>“You’re alive, you’re alive,” Shiro kept whispering. “My god, is this real?” He couldn’t stop touching Adam’s face, his hands.</p>
<p>But then the truth sank in. “I know you,” Adam repeated. He smiled, but his smile was weird and distant.</p>
<p>“He doesn’t remember,” Keith whispered.</p>
<p>“He does,” Shiro said. “You do remember, don’t you, Adam? You remember who I am.”</p>
<p>Adam frowned, and shook his head. “You’re Keith’s friend.”</p>
<p>“Yes, but you’re also my friend. And Keith is our friend.”</p>
<p>“Adam,” Keith said, “What do you remember? Tell us everything you know.”</p>
<p>“The fire,” Adam said. “I fell on the ground. Fire everywhere.” He closed his eyes, for it must have been a painful memory.</p>
<p>“You were flying your fighter,” Shiro said. “And then you got shot down by the Galra.”</p>
<p>“I saw this,” Adam said. “When I fell.” He smiled and touched Shiro’s face. “But your hair was black.”</p>
<p>Keith gently touched Lance’s arm, and they left the room. It was obvious what was going through Lance’s mind right now, and once they were in the kitchen, he embraced him and kissed the tears away.</p>
<p>“I’m so happy for them,” Lance sobbed.</p>
<p>Keith held him close. “I know,” he said, leaving room for interpretation. He felt strangely empty inside and not half as happy as he thought he would be. Adam’s return somehow caused more pain than joy. Not only had he lost most of his memories due to the crash, but it also emphasised the eternal void in Lance’s life.</p>
<p>“I’m so glad I’ve got you,” Lance said.</p>
<p>Keith put him on a chair and poured him something to drink. “You’ll never be alone again, Lance. I promise.” He sat down next to Lance and watched him carefully, wary for a breakdown of some kind.</p>
<p>“You’re going back into space eventually,” Lance said.</p>
<p>“I’m not.” He put his hand on Lance’s long, thin fingers. “I asked Kolivan for a transfer. We’re getting a permanent Blades of Marmora post on Earth, and I’m going to man it, together with Matt.”</p>
<p>Lance’s face showed a smile, a teary, snotty one, but a smile nonetheless. “Thank you,” he said.</p>
<p>“Anything for you, Lance.”</p>
<p>They sat in silence for a while, letting the emotions sink in. From the other room they heard Shiro’s soft voice, and Adam’s brief answers. “Do you think it’s coming back?” Lance asked. “The memories?”</p>
<p>“And what if they don’t?” Keith pondered.</p>
<p>“Shiro will feel like losing him again,” Lance said. He sighed deeply. “Let’s get to bed, Keith. I’m...”</p>
<p>“Yeah, me too.” They got up and left the kitchen. While Lance climbed the stairs, Keith briefly opened the door to the other room. “Shiro... do you have everything you need in there? We’re going to bed.”</p>
<p>Shiro briefly glanced at Adam, and smiled. “Thanks, Keith. I think I’ve got everything I need.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They didn’t break the news to the Garrison until two days later. As Adam spent more time with Shiro, more and more memories seemed to surface, but they were only fragmented, and shallow. Shiro expressed his concern, talking with Keith in the kitchen. “He doesn’t seem to remember... <em>us.</em>”</p>
<p>Keith thought for a long time before he answered. <em>There might be no “us” anymore, Shiro. You two sort of broke up and he’s been dating someone else for years – willingly or not. </em>He usually didn’t scare away from harsh truths, but this time he was more careful. Shiro was vulnerable; his last episode had been the heaviest in years. “He might if we get him back into his old environment.”</p>
<p>“The Galaxy Garrison.” Shiro exhaled. “You’re right, of course... but I’m not ready to share him with others. What if... it doesn’t come back? At all? Let me at least have these couple of days with him.”</p>
<p>“I told you to be prepared,” Keith gently reminded him. “Let’s call them tomorrow.” He hesitated to state the obvious. “He’s gonna need medical attention too. He’s malnourished, and his leg... have you seen his foot? His burns?”</p>
<p>“Of course I have,” Shiro sighed. “I can’t imagine what he’s been through...”</p>
<p><em>You seem to forget about yourself again,</em> Keith thought. “Do you want some news to cheer you up?”</p>
<p>Shiro showed him a sad smile. “More good news?”</p>
<p>“I’m setting up a Blades of Marmora post on Earth. I’ve already applied a request for housing at the Garrison.”</p>
<p>Now he genuinely smiled. “I hope you’re gonna be my neighbour.”</p>
<p>Keith smiled, but he felt a sudden heaviness and the corners of his mouth drooped. “So many empty apartments,” he said. “All those people who never came back...” He glanced at Shiro and could easily follow his trail of thought. <em>Yeah, I do hope Adam is gonna live with you again. But don’t let your hopes get up too high.</em></p>
<p> </p>
<p>The next day he made the call to the Galaxy Garrison. Early in the afternoon, an air ambulance landed in the meadow, and after a brief examination Adam was taken to the hospital.</p>
<p>“Aren’t you coming too, neighbour Lance?” he asked Lance as he was carried out of the house on a stretcher.</p>
<p>Lance shook his head. “Shiro will stay with you.”</p>
<p>Shiro joined him in the helicopter, leaving Keith and Lance behind.</p>
<p>“How do you feel?” Keith asked.</p>
<p>Lance shook his head.</p>
<p>“Come here.” He opened his arms and pressed Lance against his chest. “We haven’t had any privacy in days.”</p>
<p>Both of them knew this situation marked the end of Lance’s self-inflicted solitude. <em>We were gonna do groceries together,</em> he remembered. <em>That was the tiny step he agreed with.</em> “You’re not obliged to anything,” he reassured Lance. They were sitting on the couch, Lance’s head resting in Keith’s lap. “You can stay on the farm as long as you like, if you’re not ready to meet with the others.”</p>
<p>“It was good seeing Shiro again,” Lance pondered. “I might want to see the others too...”</p>
<p>“You don’t have to rush things,” Keith said. “One step at a time, remember?”</p>
<p>“I could ask them here.”</p>
<p>“Both?”</p>
<p>“No. Just one. Pidge first. Or Hunk. I don’t know.”</p>
<p>“You’ve got plenty of time to consider,” Keith said. He fondled Lance’s hair, as he always did when they were like this.</p>
<p>“We’re truly alone now,” Lance said. “Not even a chance of the swamp man coming by.” He glanced at Keith. “I never knew Adam,” he said. “I might have recognised him sooner if I did.”</p>
<p>“None of us recognised him because he looked... like he was ninety years old or something.”</p>
<p>“Until we washed and shaved him,” Lance complemented.</p>
<p>Keith leaned in to give him a kiss on his forehead. “I’m glad you didn’t scare him off because he was filthy.”</p>
<p>“I’d never do such a thing,” Lance replied.</p>
<p>“Most people would,” Keith said. His hands supported Lance’s back, while Lance cupped his face, ending up on his lap. He moaned softly as he pushed his hips against Keith, grinding while they kissed.</p>
<p>“We’re out of lube,” Keith flushed as Lance fumbled with the button of his jeans.</p>
<p>Lance uttered a disappointed sound and climbed off his lap. “Grocery time then.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. Shiro</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Is someone with amnesia really back? Or is it just a shell of who he was?</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The hospital was situated on a quiet corner of the Garrison grounds, far from the rumbling of landing and departing spacecrafts. Shiro was standing in front of the window, looking at the buildings in the distance. <em>Where Curtis is working, oblivious of everything.</em> He didn’t want to think about him, but he knew he’d have to face him eventually. Nothing as awkward as having to work with an ex. Even worse when the breakup had been this bad. Behind him, connected to tubes and infusions, Adam was asleep in a hospital bed. Shiro had refused to leave his side, even at night, and a friendly nurse had brought him a blanket. He’d been sleeping on a chair, resting his head on the bed, his hand touching Adam’s.</p>
<p>Adam’s return had been kept a secret from pretty much everyone, except for two or three higher-ups. One of them was Iverson, and he and Shiro had had a brief conversation in front of Adam’s room. He’d looked pale, Shiro remembered, almost guilty.</p>
<p>Adam stirred in his sleep. He too looked pale, but that was only due to malnutrition, they’d told him. As far as Adam had been able to remember, he’d been feeding on fish almost exclusively. It had left him no more than skin and bones. <em>Burned skin and broken bones.</em> The operation for his foot was scheduled for after the weekend. X-rays showed a poorly healed fracture that must have caused him an enormous amount of pain, but they were positive it could be more or less fixed. His burn scars were of a different league.</p>
<p>Shiro was still unable to grasp the odds of Adam being alive and found again. Most of the time he was just sitting next to him, watching him, stroking his fingers. Adam slept through most of it, exhausted from years of being homeless, living like an animal. The infusion slowly dripped nutrients and a sodium solution into his veins.</p>
<p>Someone knocked.</p>
<p>Shiro got up and opened the door, and stood eye to eye with Sam Holt.</p>
<p>“He’s asleep,” Shiro whispered.</p>
<p>“I just heard it from Iverson,” Sam said. “It’s unbelievable.”</p>
<p>“Yes... did he only tell you? We agreed not to break the news to the rest of the world yet.”</p>
<p>“Just me and the base commander. I won’t even tell Colleen and Pidge.”</p>
<p>“Okay. Thanks.”</p>
<p>“How are you?” he still spoke softly, not to wake Adam.</p>
<p>Shiro stepped out of the room and closed the door. “I feel like I could wake up from this dream any minute.”</p>
<p>“You’ve been through so much already,” Sam Holt said.</p>
<p>“It’s been a rollercoaster,” Shiro said.</p>
<p>“Just tell me, Shiro, where did you find him? Who found him?”</p>
<p>“Keith... and Lance.”</p>
<p>“But – what... how?”</p>
<p>“Keith has been with Lance lately. Didn’t Pidge tell you?”</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p><em>So she can keep a secret all right. That’s good. </em>“Keith found out where he lived a while ago,” Shiro said. “He’s been visiting Lance since, every time he was back on Earth.”</p>
<p>“But... how does Adam fit in?”</p>
<p>“Apparently his jet had crashed not far from where Lance eventually settled. Adam had managed to stay alive in the swamps, and somehow those two found each other.”</p>
<p>“Two broken souls,” Sam contemplated.</p>
<p>“They didn’t know each other before,” Shiro said. “So there was no chance they’d ever recognise the other. I think Lance needed someone who didn’t ask questions about his past.”</p>
<p>“Both lost sheep suddenly emerged,” Sam said. “I can’t express how happy this makes me.”</p>
<p>Shiro nodded and smiled. “Me too.”</p>
<p>“You look a bit feeble though. Are you sure you’ll manage? It’s a bit much, after... everything?” He was referring to Shiro taken to hospital himself, a couple of weeks earlier.</p>
<p>“I’ll be fine,” Shiro said.</p>
<p>“And Adam? What is the prognosis?”</p>
<p>“The physical damage isn’t alarming,” Shiro said cautiously. “But his amnesia... He barely remembered his own name.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He sat down by the bed again, caressing Adam’s hand. He had no idea how much of Adam was left in that broken body, and even less what the future would look like. <em>If you’d ask me... </em>He swallowed. <em>But it’s not just my decision. I’ll have to atone for everything I did to you. First of all, for insisting on going on that cursed mission to Kerberos.</em> He sniffled, and wiped his eyes. <em>I’m so sorry, Adam. All of this is my fault. I’d understand if there’s no future for us.</em></p>
<p>Adam stirred, and Shiro looked up, hoping he was waking up, to be able see those beloved eyes again.</p>
<p>“Takashi? Why are you crying?”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0028"><h2>28. Keith</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>For the first time in years, Lance is on his way to the Garrison. Of course Keith is with him to support him.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Are you sure you’re up to it?”</p>
<p>“No.”</p>
<p>Lance’s parents were on their way to the farm. Keith hadn’t seen them since that one visit, close to a year ago.</p>
<p>“I’m with you,” Keith said, hugging him from behind.</p>
<p>“I know,” Lance sighed. He knew there were no valid reasons left to hide behind, and had agreed to do it today. “I’ve hardly slept last night.”</p>
<p>“You should have woken me,” Keith said.</p>
<p>“Didn’t want to bother you.” Lance fidgeted on his chair. “I’m gonna put the kettle on. They’ll be here any second now.”</p>
<p>Keith wanted to do it for him, but decided not to, so that Lance had something to do to ease his nerves.</p>
<p>The sound of tyres on gravel marked their arrival, and soon after the quiet winter air was filled with voices.</p>
<p>Keith left the house to welcome them, and received a long, warm embrace from Lance’s mother. “Keith,” She took his face in her hands and studied him carefully. “Thank you.”</p>
<p>He didn’t know what to answer.</p>
<p>Mr. McClain hugged him too, and the three of them went inside. Keith kept his distance as Lance reunited with his parents. Lance clung to them and asked for his siblings. So far everything seemed normal. They hadn’t <em>told</em> them yet. They might suspect what was going on, but they’d agreed to wait just a little longer.</p>
<p>He stepped into the kitchen as soon as the water boiled, and made them all a drink.</p>
<p>“Keith, sit down with us,” Mrs. McClain said. “I can’t express how happy I am... you made this possible.”</p>
<p>“Lance deserves most of the credit,” Keith said, blushing from the compliment he thought was undeserved.</p>
<p>“He couldn’t have done it without you,” she said. “You’re very determined, Keith.” She took his hand and squeezed it. As if she knew. “You never gave up on him.”</p>
<p><em>I’m glad she has no idea where these fingers have been last night. </em>“Of course not,” Keith said. <em>I love him.</em> He hid his face behind his mug.</p>
<p>Keith and Lance left half an hour later. It was a bright and sunny day. He felt Lance’s grip around his hips tighten as they got off the road and took the shortest route. Halfway, they paused briefly.</p>
<p>“Do you want to ride the rest of the way?” Keith said.</p>
<p>“Haven’t driven anything for years,” Lance said hesitantly.</p>
<p>“You used to be a pilot, remember? Or are you getting old?”</p>
<p>“I am <em>not</em>!” Lance stated, and he jumped on the bike, testing the throttle and pedals. “I can still do it. Just wait and see.”</p>
<p>Keith felt happy as he got on the bike behind him. It was good to see a glimpse of the old Lance again.</p>
<p>“Are you sure you trust me to ride?” Lance said.</p>
<p>“I trust you,” Keith said, and he kissed him on the lips.</p>
<p>Lance did remember how to ride, and he still wasn’t afraid to go fast either. It was Keith’s favourite ride ever.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Approaching the Garrison grounds, the outlines of the buildings became visible at the horizon, and Keith noticed the change in Lance as he slowed down. “Do you want me to ride the last part?”</p>
<p>“Please.” He got off, and Keith took his hands between his own, to stop the shaking. “They do know we’re coming today, don’t they?”</p>
<p>“Yes, but first we’re going to the hospital, remember? Adam.” <em>Tiny steps at a time.</em></p>
<p>“Yeah.” Lance seemed somewhat relieved not having to meet the others right away, and to get used to being back on Garrison grounds first.</p>
<p>The hospital was situated far from the rest of the buildings. Keith parked his speeder, and took Lance’s hand. “I’m with you, okay?” He led Lance into the building, to the elevator, and pressed the button for the 3<sup>rd</sup> floor. Adam had a room of his own. He’d had surgery on his foot a couple of days ago, the first of many, or so Shiro had told him. In time he might be able to walk again.</p>
<p>Shiro waited in front of the door. “Hey,” he said, and walked up to Lance to hug him. “I’m so happy to see you here.”</p>
<p>“How’s Adam?” Keith asked, leaving the real question lingering in the air. When he’d phoned him to tell him they were coming over, Shiro had told him he remembered his name. <em>“He called me Takashi, Keith.” </em>Keith hoped that was a good thing. Apart from his name, there still wasn’t much else he seemed to remember.</p>
<p>“You’ll see,” Shiro said vaguely, and he opened the door.</p>
<p>“My neighbour Lance,” Adam said, smiling as he saw him. He tried to get up a little. “And Keith. Now everyone is here again.”</p>
<p>“How are you?” Lance asked.</p>
<p>“My leg hurts,” Adam said. “But that’s good. They’re gonna fix it.”</p>
<p>“You’re gonna walk again,” Shiro said. He sounded a bit wary, and Keith knew he still wasn’t sure whether Adam recalled anything about their relationship.</p>
<p>“It’s good to see a little bit of colour on your cheeks again,” Keith said. “And they’ve been feeding you too, I reckon.” He seemed a bit less skinny already.</p>
<p>“They’re giving me three meals a day,” Adam said. “No fish though.”</p>
<p>“Would you want that?” Lance said.</p>
<p>“No.” He chuckled. “I’ve had enough fish for a lifetime.”</p>
<p>They sat and talked for a while. Keith found it hard to watch. Adam was back, but at the same time he wasn’t, and it hurt him to see how that hurt Shiro. <em>He should kiss him, </em>he thought. <em>To see how he responds.</em> But Shiro wouldn’t be able to cope with rejection, not now. He was still in a state of disbelief that Adam had been alive all those years.</p>
<p>“I’ve been riding the speeder again,” Lance said, answering a question Shiro asked.</p>
<p>“That’s great to hear,” Shiro smiled. “After all, you used to be a pilot.”</p>
<p>“I used to be a pilot too,” Adam said.</p>
<p>“You aren’t able to ride a speeder yet,” Shiro said cautiously. “Your foot.”</p>
<p>“I didn’t say I wanted to,” Adam replied. “But I was thinking... I don’t remember Lance. I know he’s a farmer. I didn’t know he was a pilot too.”</p>
<p>“I was still in training,” Lance said. “Keith and I were in the same class.”</p>
<p>“Good,” Adam said, relieved. “I thought I forgot that too.”</p>
<p>“No, you didn’t,” Shiro said. “You never knew.” He briefly touched Adam’s arm, and Keith and Lance witnessed a tiny miracle as Adam looked at his arm, then raised his head to look into Shiro’s eyes, slightly frowning.</p>
<p>
  <em>He remembers.</em>
</p>
<p>He got up and stood behind Lance’s chair. “Shall we go see the others now, Lance? They’re waiting for us at Hunk’s place.”</p>
<p>“Yeah,” Lance said, his voice thin.</p>
<p><em>He saw it too. </em>He leaned in and kissed Lance. “Let’s go then.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0029"><h2>29. Shiro</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A very short, but sweet Shiro chapter</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Adam was watching them as they left, and then turned to Shiro. “Didn’t we kiss too, long ago?”</p>
<p>“Would you want to?” Shiro asked, his heart pounding against his ribs.</p>
<p>“Maybe,” Adam smiled. “But not with them around.”</p>
<p>The door closed shut.</p>
<p>Adam’s eyes were still focused on Shiro, waiting, <em>expecting?</em> His lips parted, as if he were going to say something.</p>
<p>“They’re gone now.” Shiro’s whisper trembled.</p>
<p>Adam smiled, reaching out, pulling Shiro in.</p>
<p>“I’ve missed you,” Shiro whispered against his lips. <em>You have no idea how much I’ve missed you. </em>Their first kiss in years was the sweetest thing he’d ever tasted.</p>
<p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0030"><h2>30. Keith</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The long-awaited reunion between the paladins, and a final surprise!</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry I didn't update this weekend, guys.<br/>I visited my family for the first time since the start of the lockdown, so I was unable to post!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p><p>“I’m not gonna hold your hand when we walk in,” Lance growled, unable to hide his nerves.</p><p>Keith didn’t reply. “Shall I go first?”</p><p>“Yeah.”</p><p>“Okay.” He opened the door. The sign said “closed”; Hunk wanted to make sure there was no one else. <em>Just us. The paladins. </em>It was quiet, he didn’t see the others as they went in.</p><p>“Where are they?”</p><p><em>I hope they’re not jumping from behind the bar all of a sudden,</em> Keith thought, but they weren’t. As he peeked into the kitchen, he saw Pidge and Hunk talking, leaning against the counter. Pidge saw him as he waved, and waved back.</p><p>“Oh,” Hunk said, and they got up. Pidge followed. Both were nervous, but not as much as Lance. But there was no need for that. As soon as they saw him, half hidden behind Keith, they walked up to him and embraced him. “Lance,” Hunk said softly, and Pidge said, “Come here you,” before opening her arms for him. Keith joined in, and everyone was there, protectively surrounding him as he sobbed for the reunion, which was never going to be complete. Keith got tears in his eyes too, and both Hunk and Pidge sniffled. It was good to be back together. Lance never deserved those years of solitude, and now he felt how much they’d missed him, and how much he was still one of them.</p><p>“Are you okay?” Keith asked as they finally let each other go. He studied Lance’s face, and took a napkin from one of the tables to wipe his face.</p><p>Lance nodded, unable to speak yet. He wasn’t aware he was still holding Keith’s hand, but Keith knew, and he also knew the others were watching. His movements were very gentle, and as he was done, he briefly touched Lance’s lips. “Smile,” he whispered.</p><p>Lance tried. He really did. And he failed, and burst into tears again. This time it was Keith who caught him, and he consoled him while Pidge and Hunk quietly retreated to the kitchen again.</p><p>“Hey,” Keith said. “Why don’t you sit down for a minute.”</p><p>“No,” Lance said, inhaling deeply. “I’m fine... here in your arms.”</p><p>“Are you sure? They don’t know yet.”</p><p>“I don’t care,” Lance said. “Keith, hold me. I need you.”</p><p>Pidge and Hunk returned from the kitchen with the food, and put it on one of the tables. He heard their soft voices, and as they were back in the kitchen again, Lance looked up. “I love you.”</p><p>“I know. And I love you.” He cupped Lance’s face and kissed him. “Promise me one thing, Lance.”</p><p>“Anything,” Lance said.</p><p>“Don’t ever try to carry a burden like this on your own again. I’m here for you, always.” He didn’t say: <em>I blame myself too, for leaving you alone for so long</em>, and kissed him instead.</p><p>Hunk returned from the kitchen, and cleared his throat. “Dinner is ready.”</p><p>Keith flushed, realising how obvious and undeniable they were now, caught in the middle of a kiss. “Yeah... we’re coming.”</p><p> </p><p>After dinner, Shiro joined them, and again there were tears and embraces. <em>We’re never going to be more complete than this,</em> Keith thought, but he was wrong. While they were having dinner, a space craft had landed on one of the platforms, and a shortly after Shiro, someone knocked on the door.</p><p>“Who could that be?”</p><p>“I’ll open it,” Pidge said, smiling.</p><p><em>Oh.</em> Keith smiled too, but wary. He wasn't sure how Lance was going to feel about it.</p><p>Lance turned on his chair and got up as he recognised the distinctive voice. “Coran?” His chair fell as he ran to the man, and they embraced each other in tears.</p><p>“You did a wonderful job,” Hunk said, as he put his arm around Keith’s shoulder. “Look at us. All of us. You brought us back together. The paladins, Coran...”</p><p>“Even Adam,” Shiro added with a smile.</p><p>“I...”</p><p>“We’re all grateful,” Pidge said. “<em>You</em> did this, Keith. Don’t say you didn’t. It was your determination that made this happen.” She kissed him on the cheek. “You’re good at this, you know. Making people happy.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0031"><h2>31. Epilogue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The conclusion of the story!</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“We’re going to have to perform surgery at least two more times,” the surgeon explained. “But after that, you may be able to walk again like you used to, Mr. Wright.”</p>
<p>“I’m glad to hear that,” Adam said.</p>
<p>“Also, you’re dismissed from hospital.”</p>
<p>“Oh...” He glanced at Shiro.</p>
<p>“You do have somewhere to go, don’t you?”</p>
<p>“I...”</p>
<p>Shiro briefly touched his arm. <em>You don’t have to explain. This doctor doesn’t know. He only performs surgery.</em> “It’s been rather traumatic,” he said. “We’ll find a place for you to stay, Adam.”</p>
<p>“We will?”</p>
<p>That’s how Adam ended up in his old apartment.</p>
<p>“You didn’t change a thing,” he said, and went straight for the dresser. “Look! My picture.” He turned around, his eyes soft. “You kept it.”</p>
<p>“Of course,” Shiro said, pursing his lips. There was too much he wanted to say, and too much he’d probably ruin with words. It would be best to just accept things the way they came, like this; Adam staying at his place for a while. He’d sleep on the sofa, Adam in the bed. <em>Our bed</em>.</p>
<p>“What were you thinking?” Adam said. “You were spacing out.”</p>
<p>“Nothing.” He tried to smile. “I’m glad you’re alive.”</p>
<p>“So am I.” He leaned heavily on his crutches. “Takashi... There are still massive voids in my memory. I’m sure it’ll come back eventually, but I need you to help me.”</p>
<p>“I will,” Shiro said.</p>
<p>“But?”</p>
<p><em>I have to say it. I can’t keep the truth from him. </em>“It will hurt.”</p>
<p>“For you or for me?”</p>
<p>“Both of us. I... I’m not sure I’m ready for this.”</p>
<p>“Me neither.” He stepped closer. “I need to know, Takashi. I need to fill in the gaps before I can...” He frowned. “...make decisions about the future.”</p>
<p>Shiro closed his eyes, as he felt his hart sink. <em>Please, don’t even think about a future without me. I just found you back.</em> <em>I can’t... </em>It was an old habit to walk up to the window, and stare at the buildings, and the hills in the distance.</p>
<p>“You used to do that when you were worried,” he said, pondering, and with a few stumbling steps he was behind Shiro, and embraced his waist, leaning his chin on Shiro’s shoulder – that was also an old habit.</p>
<p>Shiro took a deep, shivering breath. “I’m so sorry for everything.” He placed his hands on Adam’s. “You were right. I never should have gone on that mission.”</p>
<p>Adam didn’t answer.</p>
<p>“You do remember the mission, don’t you?”</p>
<p>Adam’s breath was warm against his neck, his ear. When was the last time they’d been standing this close?</p>
<p>“You didn’t want me to go... but I went anyway.”</p>
<p>“Your arm,” Adam recalled. “It was because of your arm.”</p>
<p>“It was probably going to be my final mission.” There weren’t many people who knew the severity of his disease, back then. Kerberos would have been his last mission, and possibly the last thing he’d ever been able to do for the Garrison. The disease was progressive; he hadn’t even shared the full prognosis with Adam. Four, five years, they’d told him. In that aspect, the Galra had ironically saved his life. Saved him, broke him, killed him, brought him back to life. He didn’t feel the tears running down his cheeks until Adam pointed them out.</p>
<p>“Maybe we should sit down,” he said gently.</p>
<p>“Adam... I don’t know where to start,” he said as they’d taken a seat on the sofa. “Everything is my fault. If I hadn’t gone on that mission... I’d never have been taken prisoner by the Galra, and I wouldn’t have brought their war to this corner of the universe... to Earth. You wouldn’t have been shot down...”</p>
<p>“But you’d have died, wouldn’t you, Takashi.” He spoke without looking at him. “I asked Sam Holt about your artificial arm when he visited me the other day.”</p>
<p>“Yes, I would have been dead by now, probably.” <em>And</em> <em>I have been dead already. Every day since Keith and Allura helped me return, has been extra time. I shouldn’t be around anymore, one way or another.</em></p>
<p>“I’m glad you’re not,” Adam said. “And it’s not your fault the Galra came to Earth, and shot me down. It was a stupid decision to have us attack their highly sophisticated ships with our fighters anyway.”</p>
<p>“I wept at your grave,” Shiro said. “I still feel that pain inside.” <em>And</em> <em>I’ll probably never get rid of it.</em></p>
<p>“Tell me everything, Takashi,” Adam said. “<em>Everything.</em>”</p>
<p><em>Everything. </em>“You left me,” Shiro said after a long silence. “Because I was determined to go on that mission. I somehow valued that over our relationship.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Adam said. “And then you didn’t return, and I hated myself more than you can imagine. They said you were dead, you and Sam Holt and Matt. And all I felt was emptiness, and a dark void where our future had once been.”</p>
<p>“You <em>remember</em>?” It had been so natural for him that Adam could impossibly have known that – would he have been this kind to him if he did? “I let you down, Adam! You have every right to hate me.”</p>
<p>“But I don’t.” He lowered his voice. “Because I understand now.”</p>
<p>Shiro couldn’t tell his story without tearing up, but he wasn’t afraid to show Adam his pain. He told him about the failed Kerberos mission, about the Galra, his year as a gladiator, his return to Earth and becoming a paladin of Voltron.</p>
<p>“Didn’t Keith ever tell you?” Adam asked.</p>
<p>“Tell me what?”</p>
<p>“What he did after the news broke about the Kerberos mission... after you were confirmed dead.”</p>
<p>“Not in so many words...”</p>
<p>“He came to me,” Adam said. “He came to my place every night, because he knew I was devastated.”</p>
<p>“As was he.”</p>
<p>“Yes, but he came to console me. He didn’t care what had happened between you and me, and he told me – no, he <em>insisted</em> you could impossibly be dead. He convinced me it could not have been a “pilot error”, as they publicly stated, because <em>you</em> were the pilot. Because of that lie he started doubting everything the Garrison represented, and even I couldn’t stop him from dropping out.”</p>
<p>“But you...”</p>
<p>“I... had to find my way around it.”</p>
<p>“Shit, Adam.” Shiro was no longer able to hold it in. “It’s too much. All of it. I don’t even know where to begin...”</p>
<p>“You already started. Go on. You were a paladin.”</p>
<p>“We fought the Galra,” Shiro said. “Multiple times, on various locations. The fights became bigger, more brutal, but Voltron... it was almost a living being. It learned. We unlocked its potential. And then...” He looked up, distraught. “How much has Keith told you?”</p>
<p>“He wanted you to be the one to tell me,” Adam said.</p>
<p>“I died.” <em>I have to tell him. I’m not the Shiro he left behind. </em>“I died, and this body you’re now looking at is a clone.”</p>
<p>Adam sat in silence for a long time, before getting up from the sofa, leaning on his crutches. He left the room.</p>
<p>Shiro stayed behind, face in his hands. <em>I’m not the person he once loved. I’m someone else. </em>His chest clenched. Losing Adam – again, for good this time – seemed inevitable. <em>At least let me talk it out with you. Give me a chance to explain everything, before jumping to conclusions. </em></p>
<p>The clicking sound of crutches indicated Adam’s return. For an instant, his hand rested on Shiro’s shoulder. “Feels like it’s still you,” Adam said. His voice sounded different, thicker.</p>
<p>“But I’m not.” He inhaled deeply. “I can’t explain how it happened... Somehow my consciousness survived in the black lion... I owe everything to Keith. He never stopped believing. Even when I...” <em>Oh, crap. </em>This was the worst. The guilt weighed so heavy on him, he felt like throwing up. He put his hand over his mouth, and shook his head. “I tried to kill him.”</p>
<p>“But he never gave up on you anyway,” Adam said, stroking his back. “He never has. I had forgotten... until he reminded me. He hasn’t told me much, but it’s also thanks to him that my memories are coming back.” He leaned in, studying Shiro’s wry expression. “He taught me to never give up on you either.”</p>
<p>“You will, once you learn the entire truth,” Shiro said, his voice grave. “You’ll have every reason to hate me.”</p>
<p>“So did Keith, apparently. But he never did.”</p>
<p>“I hate myself,” Shiro said.</p>
<p>“Don’t,” Adam said. “You saved the universe and rescued me from those years in a swamp. Don’t hate yourself.”</p>
<p><em>I have to tell him.</em> “Do you remember Curtis?”</p>
<p>“...no?” His entire attitude immediately became distant.</p>
<p>“You should know him. He was... one of the ground crew. When you were sent on that mission during the Galra invasion.”</p>
<p>“I’m sorry, I don’t know who you’re talking about,” Adam said, still wary.</p>
<p>When Shiro peeked into his direction, he saw how pale he looked. <em>He thinks I’m with someone else. </em>“I’ve been dating Curtis for a while,” he said softly.</p>
<p>“But?” there was fear in Adam’s tone, not hope.</p>
<p>“Not anymore,” Shiro said.</p>
<p>Adam exhaled. “Is that a good thing?”</p>
<p>Shiro didn’t answer right away. “It’s more complicated than that,” he said eventually. He took a deep breath. “You’ve been dating him too, apparently.”</p>
<p>“Wha- me? Curtis? I don’t even know him. Who told you that nonsense?”</p>
<p>“Keith. He heard it from Matt Holt. You might not remember now, but...”</p>
<p>“You dated someone who’s been with me first... isn’t that gross, Shiro?” He was upset, not because of them both dating Curtis, but because he couldn’t even remember it.</p>
<p>“I didn’t know. He never told me. It was one of the reasons why I broke up...”</p>
<p>“After you found me,” Adam concluded.</p>
<p>“No. Before. ”</p>
<p>“Well, that’s something,” Adam murmured. He sounded confused.</p>
<p>“I don’t want to talk about him,” Shiro said. “Not now. There are things you should know... but those can wait. The sole reason why I was looking for another relationship was loneliness. After Voltron, we all went our own ways. Except me. I was unable to move on. Keith could only do so much for me, since he spent most of his time in outer space. The truth is... I missed you, Adam. I knew I’d never find someone like you again, so I settled for less.”</p>
<p>“I have to process this,” Adam said. “Takashi, could you leave me alone for a while?”</p>
<p>It hurt Shiro to leave him behind, on the brink of tears on his sofa, but he got up and quietly left the apartment.</p>
<p>He was happy to run into Keith when aimlessly strolling around on the Garrison grounds, and Keith’s arms around him when he saw his face were almost as good as Adam’s. <em>You’re my family, no matter what Adam decides. </em></p>
<p>“Of course he’s upset,” Keith said. “Wouldn’t you, if the only memories you have, came from what others tell you about yourself?”</p>
<p>“He’s recalling things himself too,” Shiro said. “The more I tell him, the more he’s able to recollect.”</p>
<p>“In that case he should meet with as many people as possible,” Keith said. He hesitated, and spoke softly as he continued. “Even with Curtis.”</p>
<p>Shiro cringed.</p>
<p>“Shiro?” A familiar voice made them look over their shoulders. “Ah, I thought it was you. I heard Adam is dismissed from hospital?” It was Sam Holt.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Shiro said. “He’s staying with me for the time being.”</p>
<p>“Does anyone know yet? Apart from us?”</p>
<p>“No... and I’d like to keep it that way.”</p>
<p>“Good, because we have a situation. You might want to sit down.”</p>
<p><em>Oh no.</em> Shiro and Keith followed him to his office, since they had been talking in the middle of a large hangar. Sam obviously didn’t want anyone eavesdropping.</p>
<p>“I’ve been checking the records,” Sam said, showing them his screen. “From the Galra attacks. Look, this is Adam’s squad.”</p>
<p>The records showed the order in which the pilots had been killed.</p>
<p>“We found the transmitter in Adam’s fighter still intact,” Sam explained. “He’d managed to land it rather smoothly, despite heavy damage, albeit hundreds of miles from the base. As far as Adam’s memories are correct, his fighter only caught fire after crashing. In short, there’s no way this record could have reported him killed. His transmitter has been sending signals for more than a month after the crash.”</p>
<p>“But how...”</p>
<p>“The only possibility is that someone altered his record manually.”</p>
<p>Keith and Shiro looked at each other, and Shiro knew he was thinking the same thing. “I have to go home,” Shiro said. “Keith, come with me.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They were too late. The door was ajar, and from inside they heard voices.</p>
<p>One curse, and the voices fell quiet.</p>
<p>“Curtis,” Shiro said as he entered the room. The scar in his face was red with anger.</p>
<p>“I thought it was you,” Adam said. “I opened the door without thinking.” He looked just as frail as he’d been on the day they retrieved him from the swamp. Keith gently helped him sit down.</p>
<p>“It’s okay, Adam. I just want to ask Curtis a couple of questions before he leaves.”</p>
<p>“I wanted to know if it was true,” Curtis said. “That Adam was alive.”</p>
<p>“You should know,” Keith said. “You’ve always known.”</p>
<p>“Why, Curtis?” Shiro perfectly knew why, but craved to hear it from Curtis’ mouth.</p>
<p>“It was the only way,” Curtis said. “We all knew you were coming back to Earth when the Galra attacked...”</p>
<p>“So you reported Adam killed in action,” Shiro said, his voice trembling with suppressed anger. “He lived in a swamp for <em>years</em> because you reported him dead.”</p>
<p>“I thought no one would find out,” Curtis said. “Because his jet was never found.”</p>
<p>“You sound like you still don’t realise what you’ve done,” Keith said. He’d gotten up from the sofa, leaving an intensely pale Adam behind.</p>
<p>“He does realise,” Shiro said. “He just doesn’t care. With Adam presumed dead, all he had to do was wait for me to come home. And if I didn’t, he’d be the hero who’d found a missing pilot.”</p>
<p>“You were after us both,” Adam said, voice like a grave.</p>
<p>“No, Adam,” Curtis scoffed. “I was after Shiro all along.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Within a couple of days, Curtis was transferred to a different location. He wasn’t court-martialled, but the remote station he’d probably be spending the next decade would feel like a punishment anyway. Not entirely surprising, James asked for a transfer to the same station a couple of weeks later.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Meanwhile, Adam and Shiro had to find their way around the situation. Adam was shocked to find out the truth about him and Curtis, and Shiro and Curtis, and needed time to process the new info. Shiro granted him all the time and space he needed. He found it hard, leaving Adam in that state, unable to help him sort out the things he could only sort out on his own, and not knowing what the outcome would be. He visited Keith and Lance on the farm, he even went to Altea for a couple of days, but overall he was restless – and terrified.</p>
<p><em>I can’t lose him again.</em> He knew nothing could be done about it. He had to face the facts: he’d gone on the mission without consulting Adam, resulting in their breakup, and Adam was the only one who... His phone vibrated in his pocket.</p>
<p>“S-Shiro,” he said, as he didn’t recognise the number.</p>
<p>“It’s Adam.” The voice he’d been wanting to hear the most, and at the same time, not at all. The verdict was now. He almost dropped his phone.</p>
<p>“Takashi, are you okay? Say something.”</p>
<p>“I didn’t expect you to call me,” Shiro managed to utter.</p>
<p>“Oh?” Adam said, a bit surprised. “Takashi, what’s the matter?”</p>
<p>“I didn’t recognise your number,” Shiro said, his voice quivering.</p>
<p>“They’ve given me a new phone a couple of days ago,” Adam said. “I should have told you...” He cleared his throat. “Takashi, I want you to come home. I’m done thinking.”</p>
<p><em>To tell me there’s no future between us. Like there hasn’t been since I decided to go on that mission. </em>“Okay.”</p>
<p>He arrived in the evening, a little suitcase in his hand, like a salaryman returning from work. No matter how hard he tried, he wasn’t prepared for this. <em>I can’t keep losing you. </em>He put his bag on the hallway floor, and entered the living room. <em>And it’s all me to blame. </em>Adam was busy in the kitchen, cooking dinner, and apparently hadn’t heard him coming in. Shiro just stood there, struck by the familiarity of that image; how many times in the past had he come home to Adam cooking? He must have made a sound as he teared up, and Adam turned around, only to find him slumped and motionless, his hand covering his mouth.</p>
<p>“Takashi!”</p>
<p>He hobbled around the sideboard and caught Shiro in his arms. ‘Hey, easy now... what’s going on?’ He guided Shiro to the nearest chair and sat him down.</p>
<p>Shiro was unable to speak. Had he ever been this scared before? During his time as a Galra prisoner, a gladiator, even when he died? He was on the verge of a panic attack – but Adam was here now. He saw what happened, and held him, catching him in his embrace. As Shiro’s breaths slowly calmed down, Adam cupped his face in his hands, forcing him to look into his eyes. “You’re gonna have to tell me what’s going on.”</p>
<p>Shiro shook his head.</p>
<p>“Why not?” Adam pressed him against his chest. Another familiar gesture. Nothing had changed, but everything was different.</p>
<p>Shiro heard his heartbeat, strong and alive. <em>Don’t say it,</em> he thought.</p>
<p>“You still think you have to suffer all your hardships alone, don’t you?” Adam sighed. “You haven’t learned a thing.”</p>
<p>
  <em>Haven’t I? </em>
</p>
<p>“You forgot we’re in this together,” Adam continued, his voice lowered. “You helped me carry my burden and I’ll help you carry yours.”</p>
<p><em>But that means...</em> He tilted his head, looking up into Adam’s eyes. <em>Is it true?</em></p>
<p>“We need to talk,” Adam said as their eyes met. “About everything. Let’s not make the same mistakes. Don’t ever hide anything from me again, Takashi.”</p>
<p>“Not even the bad things?”</p>
<p>“Not even the bad things.” He leaned in to kiss Shiro, a long, lingering kiss, melting away all Shiro’s doubts. “And I don’t want you to sleep on the sofa anymore,” he said as they paused for breath. “Ever again. You belong in our bed. You belong with me.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope you all enjoyed my version of how Voltron should have ended!</p>
<p>Thank you all so much for reading until the end! And for the kudos and the comments! I love you all &lt;3</p>
<p>~Hollow~</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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